Meet-n-Greet

 I had to take the three year old to her first dentist appointment this morning. It was an event (I ended up holding her in the chair) but not as bad as the fiasco with older child I had over the summer! What a nightmare that was! After the dentist we went to Kmart to exchange the baby's Easter outfit since it didn't fit him properly. Then, we went to visit the two boys. The foster mom had a migraine so everyone was still in their pj's. The boys were not really interested in talking to me (they had no clue as to the magnitude of our meeting) because they were playing with one another and the foster parent's grandson (they are raising him and adopted him when he was only 2). They very energetic young boys, as one might expect for their ages. They talked to me a little bit and the foster mom reiterated the case worker's assessment that they are "very good boys." And they are cute and did seem well behaved. But........ They are not babies! I think we would have a lot of fun getting into trouble on the farm and I think they would really like that, but I don't know if I could see myself as their mother...... Although, despite the baby calling me "mama," I don't feel like a mother now so what's the difference? I think it would take me awhile to actually feel like a mother because I get kids, I fall in love with kids and then the kids are moved away - that makes it hard to feel like much of anything. I don't know. I just do not know. The case worker was supposed to stop by for a visit today but she emailed me yesterday and told me it would need to be later and the kids are being picked up around 5:45 for respite tonight so I can go to a Bible study. I have no idea if she still plans on coming over.

Yesterday I noticed two precious little babies on the S.W.A.N. website - a boy and a girl, the girl was 2 1/2 and the boy was a year old. I emailed my family worker about them and she called me and wanted to know if she should wait to see what happens with the two boys I met this morning. I told her I was "conflicted" and "confused" about this potential placement. She talked to me about another placement - a boy age 5 and a girl age 3 - that would not work out because they need to be in separate rooms. But, she thinks they would be just perfect for me. I know the kids, I used to take my foster kids to their home for baby-sitting. They are cute kids, but they are not babies either. Part of me wishes I had never had the baby in foster care because she is exactly what I wanted - all I ever really wanted. And now, I can't seem to get over the fact that, unless I am willing to wait years, it isn't going to happen. And it might not even happen waiting years because I am single and the priority is given to couples. I need to either become ok with waiting or ok with an older child. So, where do things go from here? I guess I'll find out......