When I was a child I wanted a big family when I grew up. If you had asked me, when I was about 10-11 years old, I would have told you I wanted 10 kids. I wasn’t kidding. I thought it would be neat to have a big family with lots of stuff going on. The kids would always have a friend to play with or a confidant to talk to and my house would be a home of controlled chaos. Of course, at age 10 I had no concept of living expenses or just how big a house would need to be to house 12 people, so as reality set in I down-sized. But, I think if money were not an issue, I would still lean towards a large family. Isn’t it funny how life works out? Maybe God doesn’t think I am organized enough to be the mother of a large household. Or perhaps the idyllic vision I have in my head is just a farce. But, the simple fact of the matter is, a large family is not in the cards for me. At this point, I will be lucky to have one child. I guess I was thinking about this because I saw in the news that the Duggar family, already incredibly large, is going to increase by one more in June. Such an imbalance in the world! One family gets 19 children (the Duggars) and another family gets none (me).
I have an aunt (she is really my mom’s best friend and I’ve called her Aunt all my life but she became an aunt by marriage as well when her mother married my mother’s father) who never had children. When I first revealed to my mother that I had been trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully (we tried for a year and a half before I confessed to my mother that we were trying to start a family – I guess I wanted it to be a surprise – we really didn’t tell too many people and even less once we realized we were having a hard time with it) she mentioned that as hard as it was for her to deal with infertility for 5 years before getting pregnant, it was even harder each time she had to tell my aunt she was expecting. My aunt worked in the maternity ward as a nurse for nearly 30 years. I don’t know how she endured seeing so many many babies being born and yet never having one of her own! She would have been a good mother, she is very kind and caring. I think she wanted to adopt or would have been willing to give it a try but her husband was not. He would not have been a very good father. He was un-reachable to a child, he just never connected with us. Now, they are is the midst of a very messy divorce and my mom told me she thinks my aunt resents him for never considering adoption. About 2-3 years ago my aunt had a hysterectomy and I wonder if that last tiny residual thought of a child left her then? It breaks my heart to think about it, quite honestly……
When I was 16 I worked in an OB-GYN office. My mom was a nurse there and the doctor hired me to file patient folders, wash the speculums and other equipment, wash the gowns and generally clean up after the office closed. I liked the job and I learned a lot working there (have you ever seen crabs under a microscope? Gross!). I remember a very kind nurse mid-wife who worked there. She was maybe in her late 30’s and she was not married and didn’t have any kids. I remember a conversation I had with her in which she confessed that she had truly wanted to be married and have children but a previous relationship didn’t work out and she was unable to find someone she would like to marry and so she would remain unmarried and childless despite her desire for the opposite. I distinctly remember feeling a great sorrow for her and I think she too felt this sorrow, despite her bravado about the topic. Because of my aunt and this woman, I vowed that if I were unable to have biological children, I would adopt. It was a decision I had made in my heart a long time ago. I just never thought I would “need” to follow through on this personal promise. No one grows up thinking they will have to deal with infertility, I suppose.
A college roommate was visiting this past weekend and she lamented on how hard it is to find a nice guy in his 30’s who is not broken or severely damaged. I agreed and we swapped “worst date” stories. And, despite the belief of the faithful expressed at church a few weeks ago, I truly believe that a biological child is not something that will be a reality for me. I won’t say it is impossible because anything is possible with God, but the likelihood of me getting pregnant seems slim to none. I think this is mostly due to the grim prospects of me finding Mr. Right for me. I’m not actively looking to date and every time I think I want to try to date I quickly discover how much I despise it. I used to think I didn’t date in high school or college because no one was ever interested in me, but now I think it’s just not something I enjoy doing. And at 31, I know my prime reproductive years are quickly ebbing away. I really have no desire to get pregnant in my 40’s. So, even if I do find someone I would like to be with and have a family with, it would take time for us to meet, get to know one another, and settle down and then to go through the rigmarole of infertility treatments to have a baby…... Sometimes it still stings a little, but I’ve made my peace with it. And, I think at this point, I’m trying to make my peace with being single for a very extended time, perhaps the rest of my life. I don’t mean this to sound pessimistic or like I’m throwing in the towel. I’m certainly open to meeting someone. But, I’m not interested in meeting a hundred someones just to find “the one.” I can’t stomach all the riff-raff one has to wade through to find the diamond in the rough. I still feel a little bad for the child I will eventually adopt because their chance of having a father seems very limited, but I can only hope that I will be enough for them. Who knows, maybe a year from now I will be writing about my new love and impending pregnancy. One never knows where life will take us from one point in time to another. But this is how I see things right now; reality as I know it.
I have been feeling rather frustrated with a few things regarding the children in my care – issues with their mother and the lack of communication I have with any caseworker, both CHOR and the county. I feel very much left out on my own, to fend for myself and these two kids. They have a court date on Monday and nothing has been mentioned to me about what the county will be presenting or what a potential outcome might be. No mention has been made about when the children will be scheduled to move back home. I got a letter from the county children and youth services inviting me to the court session or to send in a letter detailing whatever I would like to add to the proceedings and that is all (I’m not attending, btw). I wonder if anyone will even bother to tell me the outcome afterwards? I’m getting a little antsy. I like these kids and I would never ask for them to be removed from my home, but at the same time, I was told when I took them in it would be for 6-8 weeks. Is it wrong for me to think it would be nice for someone to ask me if I’m ok with an extension on this timetable? I made my decision to adopt known before I took in these two kids and it seems like this has been brushed aside. There has been some turn-over issues in the agency and I can be patient with this but my frustration is growing and my patience is not boundless. We are already into our 9th week together. And even if they came to me and said, “Gee Ashley, we are sorry this is taking longer than we thought, are you ok with the kids sticking around a bit longer?” I would not take issue with it. What bugs the pants off of me is that there is NO communication at all. If I hadn’t gotten the letter, I doubt I would even know there is an impending court date. I’m not asking for them to tell me the whole sordid tale, I just want to get some little updates on what is happening with this case. Should I start packing or should I expect them to be with me a bit longer? Should I consider picking up spring and summer clothes for them or let that be something their mother does? Deep cleansing breaths…… I will keep doing what I’m doing until I’m told to do something else. I bought their Easter outfits because I’m assuming they will be with me through Easter. I put the outfits on them to show my parents on Sunday and took pictures. They look pretty darn cute! But, I am anxious to get back to waiting for a legal risk placement, to take in a child with the potential to be mine. It’s not like I want the kids to leave, per se, it’s just that my heart is aching for my child. Not being able to envision the future and know if I will be with or without a child is trying. Not that I’m a huge planner or anything, but I’ve been looking into getting bus tickets for me and a friend to go down the shore this summer and I’ve been thinking that it would be fun to go see my sister in DC while the weather is nice. I have never taken a child to the beach and I think that would be pretty cool. But, since PA has no ocean beaches (there is a “beach” near me along Blue Marsh Lake but it’s not the same thing) it would require special permission to take the child from this state into a neighboring state. I guess I am making too much of it. Being a foster parent requires a person to be content with the unknown and sudden disruption to their life. More deep cleansing breaths…….
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