Weary

I want so badly to believe that good things are just around the corner, that my time in the valley has finally come to an end. But, honestly, every single time I think I'm just about there and I start to feel the weight lifting, more is piled back on. And I am so, so, so, so weary. I don't even think I want to talk about it. I cried so hard last night my eyes were still swollen for most of the day today. I tired to keep quiet, but the gut-wrenching, send-you-to-your-knees sobs could not be held in as I showered last night. The pain in my heart was so physical. My chest actually hurt and my body felt like it was so tight it was ready to snap under the kinetic power.

My cat is sick and has been at the vet's since I took him there Thursday morning. He was blocked and about to go into liver failure. I only noticed he was acting weird Wednesday night after putting the kids to bed. Friday I had a message from my case worker stating I was one of two families being considered for two boys, which should be a joyful thing but it is not. I wrote about these boys a few times before; they are 4 and 6 and I have never met them but somehow I am in the running to become their adoptive mother. When I spoke with the previous case worker about them I thought I had only agreed to meet them at the CHOR Christmas party and now this. I listened to the voicemail Friday at work and immediately ran to the bathroom to cry. I cried because I felt awful for being selfish, I felt awful for these boys, and I felt awful for my lost dream of a baby. I reached out to a fellow infertile friend, seeking solace in some kinds words and instead got, "This is good, they will be in school while you are working (which presents it's own set up problems because school does not last the duration of my work day)" and "This is God's will for you (to have these boys and not have a baby)." And that if I said "no" to these boys I was "passing up on great kids." So, rather than feeling understood I felt worse, far worse. Could this be God's will, despite my burning desire for an infant? It only makes me want to cry all over again, thinking that God's will would be something that breaks my heart. That God's will would be for me to have nothing close to what I have been dreaming about since I was a little girl; no pregnancy and feeling my baby grow inside of me, no baby shower and the joy of announcing the impending bundle of joy, no worry about breast-feeding or using formula, no birth story and seeing my baby for the very first time all wrinkly and tiny, celebrating all the firsts together. So, not only is God's will for me to miss out on all of that but also to miss out on all the baby "things" as well, barring the few infants and toddlers I have had in care. And I feel like a horrid, disgusting piece of trash for even thinking this way. I should just be happy to have any kids, right?

My sister called me last night to first tell me that she was backing out on our trip to New Mexico to the balloon festival in October and then to launch into lamenting that our relationship has changed and feels strained and am I really happy with me life? I have been planning and saving for this trip for over a year now and have been so looking forward to it. She knew when she agreed to go (which is only after another friend backed out) that her friend from college (with whom she has also expressed having a strained relationship) is getting married that same time but now decided that it would be too much stress for her to do both. But, as a consolation, we could go to Cape May with my mom and her best friend for a weekend. Because that would be exactly like the Balloon Festival in New Mexico (sense the sarcasm). As far as our less-than-perfect sister relationship this is due in part to the fact that she has declared she most likely does not want kids and cannot understand my angst about not being able to have kids. She is a workaholic and I am not. My job is my job not my life. I guess I have never loved a job enough to make it my life. So, it just makes it hard to relate to one another because we have chosen different paths for our lives. But, this whole "are you happy with your life" shit just broke me. Am I happy with my life? Things have been so hard for me for over a year now and just when I think all that could go wrong has, something more goes wrong (my hot water heater is leaking - huge freaking puddle in my basement). And, she just took from me the one thing I had to look forward to - our trip. Am I happy with being infertile and waiting for a baby for over 4 years? Am I happy that my husband left me? Am I happy that I live pay-check to pay-check and don't have much breathing room because my husband left me with all our debt? That my refrigerator broke and my cat got sick? That my car was paid off for two months before it was smashed and that my new car makes worrisome sounds? None of these things make me happy. Yet, barring the past few days, I am not miserable. I wish things could be easier and different and things certainly did not go as planned but I am not slit-my-wrist depressed about it - most days. Seeing the baby reach for me or watching the three year old laugh makes me happy. I'm thankful I have a job and I'm glad I don't hate my job (because I really hated my last job). So, am I happy with how things are? Maybe not. But, am I able to see some good in my life? Yes, yes I am. Well, except right now.

 So, after last night's disappointment I'm feeling a little raw. Today I was supposed to go to a pet expo with the kids and a friend from work. I text her when the baby woke up from his nap. I text her when we left the house. I text her when we were outside her house. Then I called her. And I sat outside her house for 15 minutes. She text me nearly two hours later saying she had been doing wash and cleaning and forgot about our plans - the plans we made over a week ago and talked about periodically during the week including FRIDAY when she confirmed that she would be going with her younger daughter. It's just too much. Too, too much. How much is a person expected to take? My sister suggested I needed to take a break. Take a break from what? Life? Like get a nice padded room with a coat that ties in the back? That kind of break?

If last year, when Flaco left and they took the baby, was the most emotional anguish I have ever felt - a perfect 10 on a scale of 1-10, then right now is creeping up to a 9. My emotional torment is now causing me neck and shoulder pain and a throbbing, pounding headache. I have never had a drink while having a child with me in foster care, but I needed a little something to take the edge off tonight, so I am sipping a very small glass of Arbor Mist Sangria. I don't think it's helping.

So, a case worker from the county will be calling me about these two boys. My case worker mentioned that she really talked me up to her, telling her how great she thought I would be for the boys and they would be equally great for me. The case worker wants to come see my house and then I guess they will make their decision. What about the kids already living with me? Who knows. No one, apparently. I don't know what to do. Back out and feel awful or just pray like mad that they choose the other family? How can my body possibly be producing more tears?