Conflicted. Confused.

I was finally able to speak with the county case worker regarding the boys and we set up a time for her to come visit next Friday. The CHOR case worker for the two kids I have (who also happens to be the case worker for the two boys) came over on Monday and asked what I thought of the boys. I said they were cute and she mentioned that they had a lot of energy. I told her for boys their ages I would hope they had a lot of energy because it means they are healthy. They didn’t appear to be hyper-active and were able to calm down at the instruction of their foster mother. I didn’t ask any questions about my two kids’ up-coming court date, I didn’t ask what would happen to this placement if the county chose me for the boys (would they move these two kids again, just to put the boys in my home or would they wait until these two go home?). I just supplied up-dates on medical and dental appointments, recent behavioral issues, and handed in clothing receipts. “Ours is not to reason why, ours is but to do or die.” The case worker thinks we have “good communication” but I feel otherwise. I know nothing, absolutely nothing. I know nothing about how this current placement is progressing or not progressing; are they still going home, if so how soon? Is the older child going to live with a relative, has paternity been determined for the baby and would he be going to relatives? Are the over-night visits going to resume? Will all of this be decided at the court date or will things just get pushed forward to another future date? What if these kids don’t go home – is this a possibility? As for the boys, I know equally little information, other than their ages and how long they have been in care, I know next to nothing. What mother knows next to nothing about her children? I do the only thing I can do; I just take a few deep breaths and march onward.

Last week I found two beautiful children on the S.W.A.N. website and emailed my family worker about them. It was a little girl age 2 ½ and a little boy 1 year old. I fell in love with their picture. It is so rare to find healthy young children on this website, I felt compelled to notify my family worker that I was interested. Their information was almost immediately removed, signaling a potential home had been found for them, before my family worker even called me back. When she did call me back she didn’t know if I wanted to wait to see what would be the outcome of the two boys before she called. I told her I was “confused” and “conflicted” about the potential pre-adoptive placement for the boys. She proceeded to tell me about another placement for a boy and a girl (ages 5 and 3) that would be “just perfect” for me, but because the boy is 5 they cannot be in the same bedroom. Unless I am willing to move into the unfinished basement, that simply would not work in my house. My family worker suggested I move back home with my parents (this was not a random suggestion – back when things fell apart last year and Flaco left, I assumed I would not be able to hack it on my own financially and would move back home with my parents and their house has 4 bedrooms versus my 2 – but, I have been able to make it on my own and selling the house is impossible due to the mortgage being so much greater than the market value of the house). Despite the file being removed from the website, my family worker vowed to get in touch with the county listed in the file. This was Thursday afternoon and I have not heard anything, so I’m working on my assumption being correct – a home has been found.

What I told my family worker last week is still true today; I am still feeling a little confused and conflicted about this potential placement. I don’t understand why I feel like it might be some kind of test from God or perhaps a blessing I cannot recognize right now. Part of me thinks of the positive things that would be a result of this placement – all of the fun activities we could do together, like going places like The Franklin Institute, the Crayola Factory, The Strasburg Railroad or visiting my sister in DC – things I would not necessarily be doing with an infant. We would have a lot of fun on the farm, riding the tractors, baling hay, slopping around in the crick, swimming in the pool – again, activities not as easily done with a baby in tow. I can take them berry picking (strawberry, raspberry, and blueberry) alone and we can join the local pool for afternoon/weekend swims. They can play in the backyard with moderate supervision and learn to ride bikes in front of the house. They can help me weed the flower gardens, water the plants, and keep up with the housework – all things an infant cannot do. We can visit my friend and her little boy in New York and maybe even traipse around the city or go to the zoo with my parents. We could go to the local baseball games (which I truly love doing) and maybe even enroll them in t-ball (I’m not sure of the ages, but I think the older one would be old enough at least). Could I be the mother to two boys? Would all these fun things make up for not being there when they were infants, for missing all the firsts and for not getting the opportunity to ensure their most formidable developmental years were positive and healthy? And of course, my mind is jumping to the future thinking – if I do adopt these boys then maybe in a few years I can move to a bigger place and adopt an infant girl. Confused. Conflicted. Deep breath. Onward...........