Lost to the Whims

Tomorrow the county worker for the two boys is coming to my house along with my family worker from CHOR. My family worker called to confirm the time this afternoon and I asked her what the game plan would be, if the county chose me, for the two kids I have with me now. She said there isn’t a game plan, but that the kids will be going home, their mom is doing “well” and that most likely they would wait for the boys to finish school and transition them to me slowly. And all of a sudden I feel like vomiting. Did I just imagine hearing something different from the county case worker last week about the two that I have? Did my over-active imagination take over and lead me to believe what I wanted to believe, rather than what is the reality of the situation? Perhaps. I can’t help but feel a little resentful towards the CHOR case worker because I feel like if she hadn’t let me hanging with no information then perhaps this would not have happened. I guess I just need someone to blame. I want this to be over. And a teeny-tiny part of me wants to give up being involved in fostering and adopting all-together. I’m tired of the anguish of it all; my heart is so fragile I don’t think it could take another break. I’m tired of the ups and downs and the coulda beens and the would-have-been-perfect and all that jazz. But, when I think of the county choosing me for the boys, I cannot breathe. My throat goes numb and my tongue refuses to swallow when I think of the enormity of these dual decisions with so many lives in the balance. My world feels out of control, lost to the whims of unknown, no-named people with little at stake in the monumental decision that is to be made. I am fearful for so many reasons. For so long I have wanted to be a mother and now I am afraid of my dreams coming to fruition! Right now, I feel a connection to the kids living with me and none for the two who could become mine. How do I find the strength to say good-bye and simultaneously heal and love again? I wish the events for Friday and Monday were reversed because they feel so out of order right now. If I pinch myself will this all be just a crazy dream? I feel lost and so alone. And I worry that I am beginning to hate this whole adoption process and that I just want out. What other mother had to wait for her children to “transition” to her over the course of several months? (I ask this question and then think – well, mother’s who have premature babies need to wait for them to come home, so you could call that a transition…..) Maybe I should take myself away for awhile (probably not possible with the mounting vet bill from my sick cat…..). I’ve never wanted to travel by myself (I think it’s boring if there is no one to share the experience with), but maybe I should just take a weekend and go somewhere out of town to be alone and just re-group. I hate the term “find myself” because it’s not me who is lost; more or less I mean find my dreams, my hopes for a good and happy future because this is what has been lost to me – taken from me, really. With faith not much larger than a mustard seed, I believe and trust that God has this whole messy ordeal already worked out, that it will all be good in the end. I have been and continue to pray for wisdom. Now, I think I need a miracle.