First do no Harm

I think being a foster parent as an infertile makes the daunting task of emotionally separating from the situation at hand nearly impossible. Seeing the world through the despair of a person unable to have a baby at the drop of a hat discolors one’s vision. I have come to the conclusion, in my short time being a foster parent, that “the system” is not designed to give three shits about the children. “The system” is designed to be cost-effective (which is an oxymoron if you consider this is a program run by the government) and to follow the law, regardless of the turmoil it inflicts upon the innocent lives caught in its web of despair. I learned my lesson the hard way with my first placement – don’t dare voice a contradictory opinion or suggest that “they” are not making the best decision for the child(ren). I’m still blacklisted from receiving placements from my own county for daring to protest their determination and suggesting their decision was detrimental to the life of that child (the first rule of foster parenting is “the system” does no wrong). There is a potential circumstance that seems to be on the path to occurring for the older child in my care that causes me great despair and extreme distrust in the validity of foster care in general. Ever since the proclamation from court yesterday, I have been thinking that perhaps social workers, judges, case workers, et al should take the same oath that doctor’s take – the Hippocratic oath to “first do no harm.” First do no harm to the children and then proceed with other decisions. But, everything is ass backwards and the first priority is to not impugn the rights of the “parents.” Parents have rights and other relatives have rights (although, I wonder if sperm donors have rights or if this changes depending upon “how” the sperm is donated?); what about the right of the child, their right by the Declaration of Independence, their right to the “pursuit of happiness.” In “the system” children have no rights and certainly, they have no right to a happy childhood nor do they have the right to reach their full potential in the future. Decisions must be made to follow “the law” no matter if this is right or wrong; whether it is detrimental to the child or traumatic to the child, the parental rights (until they are terminated) play the trump card every time. Period. And certainly, the lowly foster parent dare not have a say or permission to voice a dissenting opinion – at least not in any way that matters. A foster parent can talk to their case workers until they are blue in the face and will only be reminded of *the law*. So perhaps the system is broken because the laws are shoddy. Are children property of their parents or “the system” or anyone else? What an archaic supposition! Surely I am not the first person to question the validity of it all? And, of course, this whole diatribe is one-sided and, as I already mentioned, discolored by a world-view in which getting pregnant is the elusive gold at the end of the fabled rainbow. Certainly there are “good” parents mixed up in “the system” in need of a redeeming second chance – I just can’t see them because my view is tainted, my glasses are not rose-colored. Thankfully, it is someone else’s job to advocate for the parents because it is not something I can do anymore than I can turn water into wine or coal into diamonds; my dysfunctional reproductive system precludes me from the ability to sympathize with the plight of someone who can so effortlessly have that which I cannot and yet treats this precious life as worthless trash. I sound bitter, but I am not. No, not bitter, just at a loss – I cannot align my personal moral beliefs with that that is occurring around me. When I heard this piece of news yesterday my stomach churned, bile rose into my throat and I wanted to scream, “NO!” The worst part? I heard this news relayed to me by the relative who saw it as a “win” for her and her family. Their possession – the child – would be theirs to do with what they will. She seemed to think I was on her “team,” cheering on this great triumph. I am not. It is an immense blessing that I did not attend the court proceedings yesterday. Hearing all of this live and in person, I would not have been able to keep my mouth shut and would surely have been held in contempt of court. I’m sure shouting, “Are you f-ing serious?!” at a judge is frowned upon.

So, other than railing against “the system” and the decision that was made, I have also been thinking about where to go from here. I emailed my family worker to express my disgust at the issue that bothers me to the point of revulsion and also to let her know I wanted to be heard regarding my frustrations about this placement. I told her I am not asking for the children to be removed from my home because that would be incredibly selfish of me, but it’s kind of sucky that I asked to be considered as a pre-adoptive home and now I’m stuck with a never-ending case that seems to only have the potential to end in heartache. When I agreed to take on this case I was under the understanding that it was for 6-8 weeks. Period. Now, it is 13 weeks going on 7 months – question mark. I told her I didn’t expect any answers and I don’t, but I just want *someone* to recognize that this whole fiasco is not the goal I had hoped to achieve. I know I agreed to take on this placement as just a foster placement and I understand that “things” happen that are out of everyone’s control, but that doesn’t make it less of a hot mess. And sure, after 4 years, I’ve gotten pretty good at waiting but I’ve also burned through a great deal of my patience – at what point do I say, “Enough is enough!” and wave my white flag to surrender? When do I look at all that has occurred on my path to motherhood and say, “it’s just not going to happen for me.” I think I might almost be there…..

I did not mention the case of the other two boys to my family worker because I still don’t know how I feel about it (although, I’m beginning to feel like it would be much easier than what I am dealing with right now), but I am sure it is something she is considering. What if the other county chooses me for these boys? Are they willing to wait the 3+ months for this placement to play out or will they move on? In all honesty, neither decision is fair – if I am the first choice for the boys and they have reconsider that decision, it isn’t fair. If they proceed with placement and make the boys wait in limbo with the rest of us, it isn’t fair. If they move the boys with me and kick the other two kids onto their 5^th foster home, it isn’t fair. The best possible outcome is that I am not chosen for the boys and their story can have a simple and happy ending, meaning adoption by a different family. Perhaps CHOR will apprise the county of the latest developments with my current placement. If I had known all that I would need to endure to become a mother, I wonder if I still would have gone through with it? That’s not a question I can answer today. Today is just about surviving today. And then there is tomorrow…….