Who am I?

Today was the first time I met the relative who wants to take the older child because "she is ours and we want her." I am struggling so much with this and I thought having met her I would feel better about it all, but I do not. This relative has three young children as well as an older child or two. When we first arrived at the rendezvous spot the older foster child clung to my leg and said, "I want to stay with you." There I was sending her off with near strangers again. But, she settled in and I was left with the baby. I had already planned for the kids to be in respite care today so I could have some down time, so I took the baby to the other foster family's home and went about my day. I picked the baby up at the planned hour and we were driving to meet the other child and her relative. Usually the older child chatters the whole time we are driving anywhere, so it was odd to have just the baby babbling to himself. At one point he said his name and I said "That's right! Who are you?" He answered with his name, such a smart little boy! Then I said, "And who am I?" expecting him to say my name. Instead he said, "Momma!" It's times like these that take my breath away and I need to fight back tears and a whole host of emotions that threaten to over-take me. It makes sense - who changes his diaper, kisses his boo-boos, and puts him in time out while he's having a temper tantrum? I do. I fulfill the role of mother to him, so why should I not be "momma?" But, it hurts to hear him say it, when I know I am not his mother and I might never be his mother and that at some point in his life I might have to let him down because he will no longer be with me. It just plain sucks. Most of the rest of our conversation on our short drive was him saying, "No!" emphatically to whatever I was saying. As it turned out the relative got stuck in traffic due to road construction and it is almost 9:30 pm and she is still not home. The relative was mentioning about next weekend how her mother will be visiting from Florida and is so excited to meet the child and how she is going to be sure to have the child in her pj's when she brings her back to me..... I think this is going to be grueling. I want to have a better attitude about it, I need to have a better attitude about it - it's the only thing I can do. I have no control over anything that is happening or might happen. No matter how I see the situation, things will be done regardless of what I think, feel or decide. So, it is best for me to just take it in stride and let it all go. I can do nothing more. After all, who am I in this whole scenario? No one.