Baby Shower Blues

I hate baby showers. Hate them. Seriously. But, Saturday afternoon two weeks ago, I found myself attending a baby shower. A friend of mine (former co-worker) was going to be a grandmother again – her son and his wife are expecting. She called me about a month ago to get  my email address to send me the official e-vite with all the pertinent details. Not having any readily available excuses, I RSVP’d I would attend. And then I began dreading the day. I waited until the absolute last minute to go shopping for the event. The party was at noon and I was in Baby’s-R-Us around 11 that same day. I found some small odds and ends, like soap and wash cloths, that would not take me into the world of baby clothes, and bought them quickly. I left the store in a rush, my chest tight and luckily I made it to the car before the tears began to fall. I was mad at myself – this isn’t about me! It’s about the happy expectant couple and the precious little girl they are having. Don’t make it about you. I didn’t really listen to myself. I bundled the items in tissue paper and plopped them in the gift bag, signed the card and cried on my way to the baby shower. I managed to compose myself in the car and walk into the restaurant where the shower was held with dry eyes. I didn’t know anyone, just my friend and her daughter and little granddaughter. I ended up sitting with some cousins and we had a great time joking and carrying on. I left just as the radiant couple began opening gifts. The tightness in my chest had returned and I needed to flee. I cried all the way home and hated myself for it. It’s stupid, it really is. There’s no reason to get so worked up about something that has nothing to do with you. But, it’s just a reminder that there is no need for me to have a baby shower. Yes, I know that some people who adopt have a modified baby shower, but I don’t want that. I don’t. I’m fine if people want to celebrate with me and give gifts for me or the baby, but I don’t want some pathetic excuse for a baby shower – surprise! There’s a kid living with you! Um, no. No thank you. So, on the list of things I won’t ever experience in life, add recipient of a baby shower.

 

The Sunday after the baby shower I was at Walmart getting some Ziploc containers for homemade applesauce that my parents and I were planning to make. I wanted some bubble bath because I like soaking in the warm suds when it is cold outside. Above the grown-up bubble bath was a shelf full of kiddie bubble bath and before I could decide between warm vanilla or soothing lavender, I found myself looking at the fizzy bubble bath and the various shades of crayons to use in the bathtub. The two little kids that left last month were on my mind. They loved the colored soap my mom got them and I thought about how much they would like these crayons to use when taking a bath. I resolved to buy them some and send it to their mom for Christmas. I guess that is silly but I want to do it nonetheless. Facing another childless Christmas, I need to do something to find some holiday cheer. Last year I just wanted to skip the holiday season. I was so miserable and  hurting and I just wanted it to be all over with – I wanted to wake up in the new year. It was salt in the wounds of an unbearable year full of melancholy and injustice. I want this year to be much nicer, in fact I think I will even get a tree this year (assuming I can put it up by myself!). And perhaps I will put up lights and other trappings of joyfulness and cheer. If I have to live a childless life, I need to find a way to live that life to the fullest. I can’t ignore the holidays or any other events in life just because I was hoping to finally  celebrate that event as a mother. And, just like the baby shower, the holidays aren’t about me.