Would you be a resource?

I feel like history is re-writing itself. Or maybe I'm just on a carousel ride I simply can't get off. I was called for a respite placement this weekend. A 13 year old boy. Forgetting I have my Bible study tomorrow night, I said yes. But, that's not the problem. The problem is that the social worker from CHOR who called me asked me if I would consider being a resource for this kid. That's foster care speak for taking him as a foster care placement. Um, what? Seriously? I mean, did you really just ask me that - to take in a foster care placement when I am finally, finally, finally waiting for my own child with an empty house? When I have two potential placements hanging out, awaiting notice on what has been decided, you ask me to take in a foster care placement? It actually makes me angry. Did I not just get out of a situation where I, through the kindness of my heart, took in two kids for what was supposed to be 6-8 weeks and turned into 9 + months? And, now you ask me to do it again? Do you even give a damn what I want? Or am I just a pawn that you need to slip into place to suit your current needs? When I called back to speak to the case worker, I told her I was totally fine with taking the placement for respite this weekend but I WANT TO ADOPT!!!! Taking in another foster care placement would not allow me to do that. I have one extra bedroom and I am a single person. So, that means once I get a placement I'm not going to be getting calls about other legal risk or adoption placements. Why is this so hard to understand? Right after the last two left I was asked by one of the supervisors if I wanted to get calls for foster placement or just legal risk/adoption. I said I only wanted contact about legal risk or adoption cases. That is it. My wish was granted for roughly 7 weeks and now I'm being asked to take in a child. After I told her that I was waiting for an adoption placement, the case worker told me to see how this weekend goes and to let her know on Monday. As if I had never spoken about not wanting a foster care case. I don't want to get frustrated, but I'm feeling rather like this will just never happen. I will never be able to adopt because I keep getting ensnared in something else. It's like the second I said I would be willing to take in foster care I was stuck with it and not able to escape. Sure, everyone went through the motions of preparing me for adoption, but now that it is the time for an actual placement to become my child, the adoption placement eludes me, it's held just out of my grasp and instead foster care placements are tossed at me like scraps to a whiny dog. Maybe becoming a mother is just futile. Maybe I should just realize it is just never gonna happen for me. What would it take for me to just stop, to give up and just live my solitary life? I mean, I guess I could be a foster mother forever, if I wanted.......