Matching

I went to a matching event this afternoon. As a matter of course, I don't particularly enjoy matching events. This was the third one I've been to and I have felt equally as awkward and hopeless at each one. Matching events are more directed towards finding homes for older children. And sometimes, like today, the children are there to meet people who are hoping to adopt. Today I noticed some children that I have seen on the PA SWAN website for children needing homes. That was odd and disconcerting - seeing them as real, living, breathing children in the flesh. They were mostly teenagers. As much as it breaks my heart to think how much they just want a family to pick them, to love them, I cannot consider adopting and older child. I would never feel like a mother, just a big sister. I guess I'm just justifying my feelings of inadequacies. More than anything I desperately want to adopt a baby, an infant. I feel like it is a futile wish, a pipe dream, something I don't deserve because I'm not good enough to have working lady parts so why should I get a baby.... Yeah, that's how it feels.....

So, I did find a few potential little ones that I brought to the attention of the CHOR representatives that were at the matching event. They will follow up on my behalf and let me know where things stand later this week. I'm not holding my breath. Both are little boys and both have moderate health issues that will most likely require continued support services. I'm just anxious to get my baby! At least going to the matching event made me feel like I was doing something. I would hate to say that it was a waste, but I certainly didn't feel like I achieved anything..... Hopefully that call will come soon!