It’s the not knowing that kills me. Not knowing the end results just prolongs the suffering because your brain latches onto the possibility that “it” could still happen – maybe the baby wasn’t taken yesterday but the county is still working on it and they might call me today. Maybe they are monitoring the parents and it could take several days before they are able to convince the judge to see things their way. If I only knew what happened yesterday afternoon, I could mourn the loss and move on. But, not knowing makes me crazy. So, of course the baby was the last thought I had as I drifted off to sleep last night and the first thought I had this morning. I told Primero the county had called me about him but I never heard back. Primero confidently assured me the baby would have to come back to us, I was his foster mother after all. He suggested I call the county to see what was going on. I demurred, telling him I didn’t want to poke the hornets’ nest and risk losing him just because I wanted to know what was happening with the baby. I am forever fearful of the wrath of BCCYS, having been on the wrong end of their displeasure until recently. No sir, I don’t want to piss them off over this and cause them to question my ability to care for Primero. In bitter moments I tell myself that the county most likely wants a two-parent household for the baby, one of “their” families not a CHOR family. I’m good enough for an emergency placement, but not for a long-term foster care placement. Would it not make sense to give the child back to the home he just left, where there is some understanding of his feeding schedule, his medical condition and his temperament? I think to the rest of the mortal world it would make sense, but BCCYS does not operate in the same capacity as the rest of the world and could have a million reasons why they would give the baby to someone else. Maybe I’ve been accused of not divulging all the imperative information to the parents, which is a load of bull – there were two BCCYS workers there to witness how thoroughly I explained things to the family. I did not rush, I showed them what the doctor drew for me, I explained the next steps to take, I gave them the business card the doctor gave me, I answered the questions I could and when the doctor’s office called me twice Tuesday morning I directed them to call BCCYS (and I called and left a message for the case worker myself) to get in touch with the parents – what more could I do?
To force myself to get over this all, I finished putting away the detritus from the baby – I tucked the bottles back in the cabinet, washed the cloth diapers (astounded at just how many I used in the short time he was with me!), put the last bits of baby clothing away, put the car seat back in the basement; short of memories it was like he was never there. I cried a little when I laid down to sleep last night, but really, there’s no point. A friend of mine messaged me on Facebook after I posted I was drained from the chaotic messy life I have been living right now. She wanted to know what was wrong (and then afterwards disclosed that she was newly pregnant, ugh!). Well, on Saturday I took in an emergency foster care placement for a 2 month old baby boy. Monday I took him to Hershey Med for testing then took him home to his parents. Tuesday I had court with Primero, moving things in the direction of permanency for him. Wednesday I got a call asking questions about the doctor’s visit with the baby and what I had explained to the parents and telling me the baby might come back into placement. And, as if this was not enough, on Friday I will accompany my mother to her third round of chemo after getting my FMLA approval from work. I know the Bible tells us that God will never give us more than we can handle, but He is certainly pushing me very close to that point. I am feeling emotionally drained. I feel like I am all over the place – ecstatic that I get to adopt Primero, devastated that the baby left so quickly, worried about my mom, concerned about the time I’ve taken off of work this week when I have recently applied for a promotion. Chaotic. Messy. Discombobulated. In reality, I don’t know how I manage to hold it all together, it’s a lot for one person to handle! Certainly my faith helps me to keep things in perspective. I don’t know why things happen the way they do, why the baby had to come and go so quickly – or come at all. I have to latch onto the idea that God does have a plan for my life and while I cannot understand how all these steps (or missteps) fit into the grand scheme, I just have to trust it is in His control and things will happen as they are supposed to happen. I have control over nothing other than my own emotional responses to the things that occur in my life. I hope I’m handling this the way God wants me to, with the grace He has given me. What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. God must be trying to make me into a diamond…….
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