The Next Chapter

I woke up at 4:19 this morning and could not fall back asleep. I think it’s all the emotions churning through my mind that kept me awake…..

 

After his track meet last night, I had the displeasure of telling the kid we couldn’t take his mother out for breakfast on Mother’s Day. The county didn’t think it would be a good idea. I refuse to lie to the kid but I do try to find the least offensive way to tell him bad news. This latest development really got him upset. He was hurt and angry because his mother lied to him, she told him she was clean and doing what she needed to do to get him back. I think he is scared for her too because he told me that twice he thwarted her attempts to commit suicide. We were in the car when I told him the latest development and rode silently for a few minutes while he processed this news. After a while he asked me for the good news I had to give him. In light of the bad news, I worried the good news would not be good enough. I told him his case worker had asked me I if I would take custody of him since it seemed like he wouldn’t be going home and I told her I would. I told him I didn’t know if this would mean adoption or legal guardianship but I did know he could not be adopted if he did not want that. We talked about the differences and he asked questions about it. I told him I wanted to help him make an informed decision and I would support either option he chose (adoption or legal custodianship). He was, deservedly so, moody and upset all night. We went to the farm after his track meet so I could feed and check on my honeybees. While the kid was out in the car I quickly announced to my parents he was not going home and I had been asked to keep him. It was a little shock to them that I agreed to take custody, I think because I had been so adamant about adopting a little child, but my dad did say they would support my decision. I knew they would. My parents are not the type of people to throw a kid to the wolves, no matter how old he is. My mom asked if this meant I would never get a baby and I told her it did not. She worried about me having space and I assured her I had a plan for that – moving my bedroom to the basement, thus creating a second bedroom upstairs. I’m sure they will grow to love him as much as I do because he is a good kid and has a lot of wonderful qualities, they just need time to adjust to this new idea - becoming grandparents to a teenager is not the same thing a welcoming a new baby to the family. It took time for me to come to this reality and I know it will take them some time too, but they will not deny this kid their love and support as adoptive/guardian grandparents.  

 

My heart breaks for him right now. Just like I wish I could take away the pain my mom is experiencing from her chemo, I wish I could take some of this heartache from him. Last night he vacillated between anger and contempt for his mother to sadness and disappointment at never living with her again. I told him this time right now was going to suck but that he will get through it and things will get better. I told him he has people he can talk to whenever he wants and that it is ok for him to feel the way he is feeling. He talked the whole way home last night, telling me things that happened between his mother and eldest brother and himself. He told me he is glad that he will get to stay with someone he trusts to be there for him and to provide a safe home for him. I told him I was so happy and excited but that I understood a lot of heartache was occurring for my happiness. He needed a lot of hugs last night, a lot of reassurance that things will be ok eventually. We talked about maintaining contact with his family in any capacity we could. This morning he hugged me before getting on his school bus, something he has never done before. Every day with him I am reminded how lucky I was to have such great parents when I was growing up. Sure my parents were not perfect and they let me down in little ways but I knew they would move heaven and earth to get to me, to help me if I truly needed it – in fact they still would to this day. They are my rocks and I could not imagine my life without them “having my back.” I cannot imagine the huge hole that is in this kid’s heart right now, knowing how catastrophically his mother let him down. I’m glad he has people around him to help get him through this right now. I’m glad he likes his case worker and feels comfortable talking to her. I’m glad he feels like he can talk to me to let it out. I’m glad he has a therapist to help him mentally and emotionally work through this painful time. I know he will pull through it because he wants to, he wants a better life for himself. He posted a quote on Facebook stating, “You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.” I’m honored and privileged to be a part of his next chapter. I know love cannot always “fix” things but it can go a long way. I love this kid in a profound way I cannot put into words. I can only assume it is the same way a mother feels after umpteen hours of labor, holding her new little one and peering into his perfect little face. It is a fierce, whole body feeling that seems totally irrational and yet utterly right at the same time; a possessive love that creates an unbreakable bond. It is both scary and wonderful, the force of this feeling, a sense of sweet tenderness for the child and a protective ferocity towards anyone who threatens to harm him.   

 

It is a strange place to be right now. I’m standing on the precipice of my wish, the driving force behind nearly every decision I have made in the past five years, coming to fruition. Yet, there is a lot more sadness surrounding my joy than I expected. And I am still only cautiously optimistic; I can’t fully believe this is real until the ink dries on the paperwork, until that time the situation is tenuous and anything could happen to upset it. I have not let the words, “I have a son” or “I am a mother” slip past my lips, in fact I haven’t even thought those ideas yet. The past pains I have endured have me feeling too leery to start shouting from the roof-tops at how excited I am for this blessing to actually be happening. And too, I think there is still a tiny twinge inside my heart that recognizes this child is not exactly what I had in mind when I set out to adopt. Don’t get me wrong, this is not to say I am not over-the-moon blissfully happy to be keeping this kid (dare I say, adopting him?) but all this time I have been hoping and praying for a baby, so it is a deviation from that dream. Oddly enough, keeping this child and making him my own does not make me feel like I am giving up on my dreams of a baby. As far as I know, CHOR is still keeping an eye out for me to adopt a little one. At least they were as of last week. If anything, finally becoming a mother makes me feel like it is more likely, more possible, to adopt a little one. It would be perfect to get a little girl to have both a son and a daughter, but I would be just as happy with a second boy. But, we need to get things settled with this kid first, before we start throwing others into the mix. I don’t know what the future holds, I just wake up each morning blessed to be living another day.