Saturday Primero and I were at the mall. I was trying on bras when my phone rang. It was one of the case workers from CHOR. Would I take an emergency placement? Primero and I went to the hospital to pick up a 2 month old baby boy, cute as a button. Sunday we took him to church. Monday I took him to Hershey Children’s Hospital for testing on his kidneys because he was having issues with fluid collecting around them. After an incredibly long day marching around the hospital with an infant strapped to my chest (I was using a Moby wrap, which I haven’t yet decided is the best invention on the planet or a torture device from hell itself), lugging his car seat, my purse and a stuffed diaper bag, we got back to the car and I saw I had a voicemail message. It was Primero’s case worker from CHOR. During court on Monday the judge ordered the baby be returned to his parents. I called her back and she asked if I would be able to take the baby to the parents with support from staff from BCCYS. It’s an hour drive without rush hour traffic to get home from Hershey, so it was later in the evening when I returned the baby and explained, as best I could and as thoroughly as I could, what the doctor had told me about the baby’s condition. The end.
Primero had court yesterday. I had been dreading his court date up until the meeting with the county last week when it was made clear that Primero would not be leaving. Court was rather uneventful. His mother did not show up and the hardest decisions made were when/how to have visits with his mother and whether the county could change his goal to PLC (permanent legal custody) with adoption as a secondary goal. Reunification was definitely taken off the table, that much was clear. We have a new court date for the end of September.
Earlier today I got a call from the county case worker for the baby asking for information about the doctor’s visit and stating the county might be taking emergency custody of the baby again. I gave the information that I could recall from the visit and told the case worker I would be glad to take the baby back. I don’t know if I have a chance at getting him back, but to me it would make sense since I took him to the doctor and learned a little about his condition from the original source, rather than a different foster home trying to get up to speed. The case worker just said ok and made no other promises, leaving me sitting on pins and needles the whole rest of the day. What a roller coaster ride! Ugh!
If your head is spinning from the reported incidents above, well it should be because mine sure is! It is pure madness, this life that I live as a foster mother. The emotional ups and downs are akin to self-flagellation all while attempting to do the right thing. I will tell you that I tried to not fall in love with the baby, but who can hold a precious little one with their big eyes staring up at you and not melt? But, there is also a strange juxtaposition for me; on one hand, I have a great kid, an unexpected teenage son whom I love more than anything but, on the other hand I still have an unquenchable desire to have a baby. For a brief moment it seemed as if all my wildest dreams had come true. But, the baby was an emergency placement, easy come easy go (and since I didn’t hear anything back about him, I can only assume he stayed with his parents or went to another foster home). I’m trying so hard to make sure I keep my feelings in check on this because the last thing I want to do is make Primero feel unwanted. On Saturday as we rushed around to grab a few things (like the car seat, some outfits and blankets) to take to the hospital to pick up the baby, I grabbed Primero, looked him in the eyes and assured him that this baby coming changed nothing for him, other than some loss of my undivided attention. I didn’t want him to think the baby would usurp his position or make me change my mind about adopting him. Yesterday, as we sat waiting for court I told him that he was my main priority, as my soon-to-be son and that if he ever felt uncomfortable or disliked having other (foster) kids around, he would just have to tell me and we would remedy the situation. He told me he was ok with having little ones around and while at first he was frustrated that the baby disturbed his sleep, he started to like the little guy and took pride in making him laugh.
Maybe this baby coming and going on the eve of Primero’s court date was a test to see if I was genuinely interested in adopting Primero. It was a test to see if, given the choice of Primero or a potential baby to adopt (which was never the case for this little one), would I drop Primero like it ain’t no thang. Truthfully, I was grateful to have Primero to come home to, to fuss over and cuddle, rather than the unbearable pain of coming home to an empty house full of unneeded baby things I would have to tuck away once again. At this point, I must be an expert on lugging the cloth diapers, the bassinet, the car seat, and the bouncy seat from the basement; an expert on digging out the right size baby clothes then carefully tucking them back away. This time I was very quick about getting the baby paraphernalia stashed back in its hiding spots, lest I dwell too much on what could have been in front of Primero. Still, my heart aches and I can’t help but feel a little crushed at this new loss. While waiting for court yesterday, Primero was taken to his BCCYS case worker’s area for an up-dated photo. I sat with his case worker in the waiting room. She asked me how I was doing and I knew she meant with the baby, not with court that day. I told her it was a hard thing to do. She asked me if I wanted a baby and I told her I did. She asked if I wanted more than one child and I told her I never wanted to have an only child because I think having siblings is a wonderful thing. Then I told her what I told Primero, that he is my main priority right now. I don’t want anyone to think I don’t want Primero just because I do still want a baby. I don’t know how to make it make sense to anyone not living in my head, but it is what it is.
Last week before the meeting with the county, I had a terrifyingly real nightmare. I dreamt that I came home from work to find Primero, the CHOR case worker and the county case worker sitting on the couch in my living room. When I walked through the door Primero leapt off the sofa, flung himself on me and sobbed into my neck. I rubbed his back and asked him, “My goodness, what’s wrong?” I looked at his CHOR case worker and she had tears in her eyes, the county worker sat stone-faced, staring straight ahead. I asked again what was wrong and the county worker snapped, “He’s not staying with you. You’re not adopting him.” This caused Primero to wail even more piteously as I too began to cry. I woke myself from the nightmare and reminded myself it was just a dream. The fear I felt the other morning last week once again had my heart in its icy grip, twisting my insides into knots at the thought of losing Primero.
Luckily, the scenario from my dream is not what happened during the meeting last Thursday afternoon. On Wednesday we got a packet in the mail from BCCYS with reports on Primero’s situation and his mother’s situation and how it is or is not being resolved. The paperwork mentioned the county was recommending a change in his permanency plan from reunification to permanent legal custodianship. As I surmised, the county is preparing for a goal change at court next week and I guess this was their way of letting Primero and I know about it, although thankfully CHOR had already clued us in. The paperwork did not list who would take permanent legal custody and Primero questioned as to why it said “custody” and not “adoption.” We learned the reason for this during our meeting.
When I got home, the county worker had not yet arrived, so it was just Primero and the CHOR case worker. They were sitting at the kitchen table chatting. The case worker was starting to tell me she had some news about Primero’s mom when the county worker arrived. At first we talked about school options for Primero to not have to attend the local junior high school because we all agreed we didn’t want him there. We talked about options and each case worker was self-assigned to investigate the options. Then the county worker said it was time to get serious. She asked Primero if he wanted her to tell him the bad news she had, if he would rather hear it in court, or if he would rather not hear it at all. He asked for her to tell him and it wasn’t great news about his mother and the brother closest in age to him. The county worker then brought up court and the options available. Before being asked, without being prompted, Primero said he wanted to be adopted. The county worker read through the differences between adoption and permanent legal custody (she called it PLC) for us both to understand the difference. She wants to tell the court to change his goal to PLC because then it’s all said and done – the county would close out his case with little effort. Adoption is a lot more work for the county and would take a lot more time. And, the county cannot ask for his goal to be changed to adoption in court next week because only a judge can do that and we are going to be before a magistrate who cannot legally change a permanency goal to adoption from reunification. After reading through the options, she asked which way we were leaning and Primero again said adoption. She asked if I was ok with that and I explained how I already have an adoptive home study done because that had been my goal for quite some time now. The county worker was definitely leaning more towards PLC and had not really considered adoption because the length of time it would take to complete the process. She also listed a monetary difference between PLC and adoption, but never have I ever used money as part of my decision-making process when it comes to the kids I’ve had in foster care. With Primero being so adamant about adoption, there’s no way I would let the financial piece affect my decision now. The county worker wanted a definitive answer by court, but I think it’s for her own gratification and not ours because Primero and I have made up our minds. The nightmares can stop because he is mine, in one form or another. And I could not be happier!!!
Primero and I talked the other night about changing his name. He started the conversation by asking me if I was always going to call him by his first name or if I would ever use his nickname. I told him I didn’t use his nickname because I felt like it belonged to his family. He suggested we come up with a new nickname and I said that would be a good idea. He then asked me what his new last name would be, once I adopt him. I told him I would really like to change my name back to my maiden name and have him take that last name as well. He crinkled up his nose and told me he would rather take my current last name, if he had to change his name – really he would like to stick with the name he has. I told him I would really like us to have the same last name and that I didn’t really want to keep using my current last name because it belonged to my ex and was a constant reminder of him. The kid suggested a hyphenated last name with his current last name and my maiden name, which is 13 letters in and of itself! I suggested using his last name as a middle name or just keeping his name as is and not taking my last name. I don’t think we came to any conclusion and I’m sure we will need to rehash this conversation once the actual adoption day gets closer.
As she was leaving the meeting last week the CHOR case worker was gushing about how amazing I was as a foster parent and how happy CHOR was to have me as a foster mother and they are so proud of me. What do you say to that? I said thank you, but what more could I say? I guess I understand why they are happy about the situation, because Primero is happy. And they are probably glad I was open-minded when it came to taking this kid in the first place. I’m sure they appreciate that I’m cooperative and communicative about things and they can see how much I care for Primero and how bonded we are –all good things. Maybe I do love a little harder than other foster parents (to my detriment, I might add) and fight to protect the kids when I can, but isn’t this what all foster parents do? I know a lot of the foster parents and I have a great opinion about all of them because I think they are very caring individuals who take their job as foster parents seriously. It’s nice to be recognized for the hard work that I do and for CHOR to acknowledge that my heart is in the right place, but I am certainly not amazing, I’m just one woman with a heart big enough to love and nourish hurting kids. What more can I say?
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