Willing to take Custody

“You are doing an amazing job with [the kid] and so since it seems like he is not gonna go with mom, would you be willing to take custody when it gets to that point? He is so adjusted to your home and you really have embraced him and treat him as your own. We here at CHOR are so appreciative of your wonderful work and dedication as a foster mother!!!”

 

This is part of an email from the CHOR case worker this morning. Hidden among the other mundane trivialities of foster parent/case worker interaction was this question. So, among the other answers to other questions I said this, “I know [the kid] told you that last Monday evening he point blank asked me if I would keep him should he not be able to go back home and I had told him he could stay with me for as long as he needs. So, yes, I would be more than happy to take custody of [the kid] if that is the direction his case is going. I love having him in my home, I think he is an amazing young man and I care very much for him. I don't know how or why, but we seem to fit well together. I only wish he wouldn't have to go to [my school district] for school and I'm still trying to talk him into [the Catholic school] because I think he would like it there.” It seems so simple, but this is a momentous thing that just occurred here. Huge. Like stop-the-train-hold-your-breath-don’t-change-the-channel HUGE.  

 

The only qualms I have depends on the definition of “to take custody.” I don’t know if that means legal guardianship or adoption. I would be ok with either but I would prefer adoption to legal guardianship for several reasons. One, adoption gives a sense of finality, of closing one chapter and opening another. Adoption is a done deal, a final solution. Legal custodianship or guardianship feels to me like prolonged foster care; parental rights are still intact and parents could attempt to reinstate custody through the courts at any time (not saying they would get it, but they could still try). The second reason I would rather adopt the kid than be his legal guardian is because adoption never ends but custodianship does. Once he turns 18 (which isn’t for a bunch of years yet) all legalities of our relationship would end. This doesn’t mean I would toss him out of my house on his 18^th birthday, but it does mean that legally I could. Legal guardianship also means continued interaction with Children and Youth Services, which isn’t a bad thing, but it is a constant reminder of the past. I don’t know if she posed the question the way she did because she feared I would say no to adoption, knowing I want a younger child or if this is the decision the county would make – legal guardianship as opposed to adoption. I will let my preference be made known. Of course, the kid would have to consent to being adopted because legally he is old enough to assert his opinion in the matter. Adoption would mean changing his last name to mine (er, my ex-husband’s name since that is the name I am using because we are still technically married) and it would mean parental rights would need to be terminated – no more visits unless I’m ok with them (which I think would be good for him, just as long as they are supervised). For selfish reasons, I would choose adoption because then I could call him mine with no legal/foster/guardian in front of son. I don’t think I would get the same sense of motherhood through legal guardianship as I would through adoption – and this I very selfishly and very ardently want.

 

I guess we are just in the beginning of this new phase, so things will have to be settled along the way. It is exciting and scary at the same time. And I know it is a bitter-sweet time for the kid as well. He loves his mom and wants her to get better but he is content with me, so on one hand he is sad and on the other happy. I get that. Now I really do need to get my parents on board with this because I’m about to make them grandparents in some fashion (legal guardian grandparents?) and they need to be notified of this life-changing event. I know they have been accepting of the kid (he needs a name on this blog now that he is staying!) just as they have of all of the eight foster children I have had, but it might be a shock to them to hear he will become a permanent fixture in our family. They know how much I wanted a little one to adopt and call my own. They understood my decision to take in the kid in the first place and were totally on board with that, but they might have different feelings about a teenager for a brand-spanking new grandson. While I hope I am just projecting unnecessary worries onto them and that they will easily accept him as a grandson, their reaction will not change my decision. I told the kid I would be honored to call him my son and I hope the rest of my family will feel the same way as I do. My mom mentioned to me a few weeks ago that one of the reasons she wants to aggressively fight this cancer is because she wants to be around to finally become a grandmother. She joked that it would happen this summer because she will be out-of-sorts due to the chemo. I know she was thinking about holding a baby in her arms, but it seems her prediction is coming true; meaningful steps are being taken to make her a grandmother this summer. I think the winds of change have begun to blow my way. Maybe I should pinch myself to make sure it’s actually happening……..