She's Back

Mom’s back. And for some reason this has my insides quivering in dismay. I guess I had gotten used to her being absent and unreachable, but now she is back. We got notification of her release yesterday afternoon and this afternoon Primero spoke with her via Facebook and has plans to chat over oovo. And this makes me feel sick to my stomach for some reason. I guess it’s fear, not that her being back in the picture changes anything in terms of Primero’s adoption goal. And we are bonded and I’m 99% (ok, more like 80%) secure that our bond could withstand nearly any chaos she might involve us in. But…. She’s back. She’s in our lives again. She’s the “other” woman, the one who came first. This is one of those situations where both sides claim the other side has the advantage – she’s biological mom, the one who gave birth and was (mostly) there for all the developmental mile stones in his life. And then there is me. I’m new. I just stepped into his life the beginning of January and I’m only starting to feel like his mom. I feel like sobbing and vomiting at the same time. She is back and I have to put my game face back on. Just this morning he called me “Mom” via text. Oddly, it is only via text messages that he calls me Mom. Generally, he still calls her his mom. Me, he calls by my nickname, the one I only let those close to me use. It’s stupid, it’s a very dumb thing to get upset over. Her return changes nothing and yet I’m in turmoil. I got used to having her being a memory and not a force to reckon with. And here she is again. I know he will always love her and she will always be his biological mother. I understand that. Heck, I even embrace that. I know it is important, for the child, that the grown-ups get along and work together in the best interest of the child. It makes everything better. But, I’m ready to be Mom now. Capital “M.” It’s not something that can (nor should it be) forced; he has to come to it on his own. I felt like we were nearly there – then she came back and now I think we’ve back-tracked a little. How hard must it be for a child to feel like their loyalties are split? Good thing I have this blog so I can reveal my insecurities to everyone but Primero. He doesn’t need to deal with my issues as well as his own. I wonder if all adoptive mothers feel this way and I wonder if it goes away eventually? I wonder if it is any easier for the adoptive mothers of infants versus older children who can voice their confusion? I know it’s just my insecurity and all the baggage from what has happened in my quest to become a mother. I know that, but still I find myself getting worked up over it. Will my place in his life always feel tenuous? It’s one of the downfalls in adopting a teenager. It goes hand-in-hand with the feeling that our time is so limited. She had umpteen years and I get only a handful. Will she try to pull him away or will she let our world evolve as it has been? Does she know what she missed at court last month? I know Primero told her on Mother’s Day that he wanted to be adopted, but to have it made real in court is another thing. He said last night he wants to see her and I told him she needs to get in touch with CHOR to make that happen. She told him she’s been clean for 6 weeks now and I know that makes him happy but I also know that it’s much harder to stay clean when you are free to make your own choices. I know he wants to believe her, to believe she’s going to get it together “this time,” but it’s so, so, so hard to watch him get his hopes up. I hold my breath and hope and pray she does make it work this time. But, I know so little of the story and what I do know leaves me with such little hope. I don’t want to see her fail, truly I don’t. But, for the first time since the first foster baby, I have let myself fully fall in love with a child. Once I was asked to be his permanent legal guardian and he asked me to adopt him, I opened the flood gates. At first, the feelings only trickled in because fear and self-preservation are so powerful they could still hold it all back. But, when he got sick, the walls came tumbling down and now the feelings I have are on full force. Honestly, if something were to happen and Primero were to leave me or be taken from me, I don’t think I could come back from it. It would end me. All those pent up emotions that I have been saving and holding to shower upon my child were released when I realized he was mine. It would drain the life force from me if he were gone. I would never, ever discourage him from communicating with his biological mother, rather I always encourage him. When he says disparaging things about his mother, I admonish him and put in a good word on her behalf. But, he is mine now. The legal wheels have been set in motion but more importantly, I have left my guard down. I don’t hold my breathe when I say he is my son, I say it boldly, loudly. I love with abandon and so wholly that it does truly hurt at times. He is my son. My sweet boy. I’m sorry, but she can’t have him back. I pray for the grace and mercy to endure her return and for wisdom and clarity to continue forward. May I always be mindful that my greatest blessing is her greatest loss.