Summer of Possibilities

School is over and summer vacation has begun. I enrolled Primero in a summer camp for the arts and he was reluctant to attend, but when I picked him up yesterday afternoon after work, he was all a-twitter about the new friends he made. As I suspected, he enjoys the camp and is making new friends. Making friends comes easy to Primero, but I worry they are all just superficial, since he has been unable to hold onto friendships in his childhood because of moving around constantly. Someone he has known for a day is his “bestie.” But, I worry that he will have a hard time making lasting relationships and having friends that are with him through thick and thin. I suppose I worry about too many things, just as any mother would.

 

After talking it over with Primero, I signed up to get notifications from the state and local prison systems when his mother is going in or getting out of jail. I guess it’s the only way we will be able to keep track of her at the present moment, unless CHOR advises us of her whereabouts. Primero has not seen her since before Mother’s Day. We did bump into one of his aunts at Wal-Mart over the weekend and she became very emotional when she saw him. She is dealing with serious health issues and had been hospitalized for quite some time over the winter. She wanted us to come see her at her house. Her daughter, Primero’s cousin, was also there and she kept saying she had goose bumps at seeing how happy Primero was, at how good he looked and she kept thanking me for that, which I found a little awkward. I mean, “you’re welcome” doesn’t sound adequate when you think you are the lucky one in getting to be a mother to such a wonderful kid.

 

Things between me, the Pastora and Primero are still on shaky ground. On Sunday, the Pastora asked the other Sunday school teacher to tell me she wanted Primero to stay with the adult congregation rather than go upstairs with the other kids for Sunday school (as he has been doing since he started going to church with me). It irritated me that Pastora asked someone else to relay this message to me, rather than telling me herself and it also irritated me that she wants to parent my child since apparently, I’m not doing it right. Or at least, that’s my bad attitude about it. I’m sure she means well, but it grates on me. Perhaps it wouldn’t if she hadn’t tried to talk me out of adopting him because he’s effeminate. [I found this definition on Wikipedia which describes exactly why this interchange with Pastora bugs me so much - Since the 18th century, the civic dimension of gender identity has been eclipsed by the sexual dimension of gender identity, and today effeminacy has often been considered a vice, indicative of other negative character traits and often involving a pejorative insinuation of homosexual tendencies in men. When you read it like that, it doesn’t sound very nice does it?] I don’t want to make this into a thing that becomes a wedge between us, but she has to understand what she has said was hurtful, especially coming from an authority figure. I know she wants me to be harder on him, to make him into the perfect teenager like the 4 she raised. But, it’s different. We are different, our situation is different and therefore her tactics with Primero cannot be the same as with her own children (who are all grown now, I think her youngest is a few years younger than me). He hasn’t been my son for 14 years, he’s been with me for little more than 14 weeks (at least, from when he officially moved in). It takes time to break bad habits. And I’m sorry if I don’t believe cracking the whip is the best way to work with Primero. He’s a sensitive child and brow beating him into submission just isn’t going to work, it would hurt him more than help him. And I just don’t think he deserves that, in my humble opinion. He’s been through a lot and I think he deserves to just be loved on for a little while before smacking him upside the head with rules and behavior modification. Besides, shouldn’t the job of parenting be left to me as his mother? [Maybe I should suggest Pastora read these articles https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/parent_teenager/parent_teenager_a.cfm (I am definitely doing the last four things listed in the article) https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/factsheets/parent_teenager/parent_teenager_d.cfm  ] I guess it just touches on a nerve for me, since parenting a teen is not something I had planned on doing in my early thirties and because it has taken me so long to finally become a parent, I don’t want anyone else doing it for me. I need to just get over it – let it go and move on. But, I sense that something is building here and I’m afraid it’s only a matter of time before I step on a landmine.

 

Last night after we got home from therapy we mowed the lawn and I pulled weeds in the flower beds. As I was in the bathroom taking my hair down (I had an interview yesterday for a supervisor position and so put my very long hair up in a French twist secured with ample bobby pins), Primero came in to help me. Then he squeezed me in a sideways hug and said, “I love our bond.” It’s moments like those that melt my heart. It’s simple little unexpected times like those that make me realize I’ve done the right thing and that it doesn’t matter what other people think about my decision because I know in my heart of hearts I chose the very best option. Last week during our meeting with the Pastors, Pastora asked why Primero was the only one of his siblings to be in foster care. He answered frankly, “Because I’m the only one she beat.” I gasped when he said it and gave his shoulders a squeeze. It hurt to hear him say it so boldly and so flippantly. He didn’t deserve to be hit, he didn’t deserve to be yanked away from his family and stuffed in a home he hated. I too love our bond and I hope he can feel secure enough in it that his emotional wounds can heal. At dinner last night he made some mention of being a “true orphan” if anything would happen to me. I assured him that my parents wouldn’t let him be tossed back into the system, that they would take him in as their grandson. He seemed mollified by this but he also asked if his aunt could be his godmother and I said we could look into doing some kind of adoption/godparent ceremony.   

 

In other news – I got a phone call this afternoon from CHOR regarding placements for unborn babies. No, not like fetuses, but apparently women about to give birth who will not be able to keep their babies (how sad!). One is for a sister to the little girl I’ve been caring for in respite. She is apparently due in July. And the other is for a baby boy due in August. CHOR is not sure if the county (this is BCCYS) will make a decision before the babies are born or wait until they have arrived. Of course I said “YES!” I would absolutely be willing to take a newborn and reiterated that I was more than prepared both physically with all the necessary equipment and emotionally. We shall see what the county decides, but it’s something to be excited about for sure! Of course, I will drive myself insane thinking about it until I hear news one way or another. And, I forgot to ask if these would be “just” foster care placements or if they are looking for legal risk/adoptive homes. I don’t suppose it would matter much, I would still gladly take in an infant. I know for the little girl I’ve had in respite, the foster mother mentioned that their mother has had numerous other children removed permanently from her, so it could be a possibility that, if they chose me for that baby, I could keep her! And, in my mind that would be so, so, so perfect – an older son and infant daughter, what could be better? Although, I know I would be just as happy with a baby boy as I would be with a baby girl. I need to try very, very hard not to get my hopes up because of course this would be the best thing ever! If it actually comes to fruition. If not, it could be another huge disappointment. I will say a little prayer and let the chips (babies?) fall where they may.