Fussy Visits

It’s been a long week. I spent two days home with the flu, leaving the house only to take the children to school and daycare, then to collect them again at the end of the day. The little one’s bio mom was sick this week too, missing a visit on Tuesday. The visit they had last night was held at the library but was interrupted when the library closed at 5:30. They spent the remaining 30 minutes in the CHOR van, chatting. Our case worker was supervising the visit and she was texting me quite a bit. Apparently, the baby was once again screaming inconsolably during the visit and she wanted to know what they could do. I gave a few suggestions, one included feeding him some of the baby food I sent along for the visit, and the case worker text back that she didn’t think the baby liked bio mom. I don’t think it’s that he doesn’t like her, I think he just doesn’t know her and he feels uncomfortable. Many times when I come to pick him up he is fussing but calms down when he hears my voice or sees me. He’s a baby and I’ve been his care-taker since he’s four days old. I don’t think he realizes she is his mother. I feel bad about the situation, especially for the distraught baby, but I don’t know what to do. I soothe him when I am there. I’ve handed him to his bio mom and smiled to let him know it’s ok. I don’t really know what more to do for an infant to feel more comfortable during the two hour visits. Now that he’s outgrown the colic, he’s only fussy when he wants to eat or sleep which can be remedied by feeding him or putting him to sleep (actually, most nights when I home with him and his sister because Primero is at his after school program, the baby howls while I make dinner and clean up because he wants me to hold him 24/7 – it gets hard some nights that he won’t settle in any of the array of chairs/swings/seats I have for him). Hopefully, this too will prove to be a phase and soon he will be his jovial self during the visits.

There has been a lot of hoopla made about a visit with the grandmother this weekend and it seems like no one knows what is going on. I had mentioned to the CHOR case worker after court on Monday that grandmother wanted to have the girls for the weekend to sleep over a few times a month. The county case worker said at this time she would rather it be just the older sister, since grandmother had presented for her and the county wanted to see how these visits went. Sounded good to me. But, the older sister and the bio mom insisted there was a visit with the grandmother this weekend and that the girls would be sleeping over. The CHOR case worker asked me via text last night and the county case worker called me today to ask about it. Gee, I’m glad I know what’s going on! The county case worker had given me permission to make the visit appointments with the grandmother, so long as it is just once a month. I had planned to call her this week, but was down with the flu and hardly capable of doing the minimum to get us all through day-by-day (being sick as a single parent has got to be the worst, hands down) – thankfully Primero stepped up to the plate and helped me out. The older sister told me last night that they were having a visit with the grandmother and wouldn’t hear me when I said perhaps she was but her sister and brother were not. She also asked about sleeping over and I felt so bad telling her she could not – she was so excited about it and it broke my heart but I know it was the right decision. I just couldn’t live with myself if she came over, made some unfounded accusation, and all the kids were taken away from me and not returned. It would be especially cruel to Primero since his adoption is getting so close at this point. Still, crushing a child’s hope is not something I enjoy doing.

Hermano has maintained radio silence for a while now. I guess there’s no longer an attraction to my place, since he knows he will be moving back to town (or maybe already has). He really did a 180 from the first time he came for a visit until now. I don’t want to be a bother, but I still reach out from time to time to let him know I think of him and hope he is well. Who knows what’s going through that kids head. Primero doesn’t bother with him. They have such a strange relationship. Their older sister ran away from home earlier this week. I told Primero she could always come stay with us until she figures stuff out. She went back home to her aunt a few days later. I guess I just feel like I have some connection to these kids through Primero. Good, bad or indifferent, we are all connected by the magic of adoption. Primero seems to be getting excited by the pending adoption. He already invited his best friend to attend and contemplated who else he wanted to invite. I’m glad he’s looking forward to it. I think it will help to give him some closure and a new start all at once.    

Court with the Flu

Despite the snow, bronchitis, the flu and no school we had court yesterday afternoon. I thought court was in the morning so I had us to BCCYS by 9:45 am only to find out court wasn’t until 1. Primero didn’t have school due to the snow and the potential for more snow that turned out to be a dud (they were calling for a blizzard starting yesterday but we only got a few inches of snow), so I had to take him along. This turned out to be a blessing, since I’m the one with the flu. Since we didn’t have court I took the little girl to her doctor’s office – it was the closest one. She has bronchitis. Then we went to work so I could take the rest of the day off for court and more doctor visits. We grabbed a quick lunch and then headed back to BCCYS for court.

I was hoping to sit in and hear what was happening but the baby had other ideas. He wasn’t cranky but he also wasn’t quiet. So, we had to leave the courtroom and sit in the hallway where he could holler at his echo until his little heart was content. The only thing I heard in the beginning was that the older girl had made more accusations and was once again being moved to a new foster home. I was going to have her visit for a sleep-over this weekend, until I heard this piece of news. Now, I’ve changed my mind. I just don’t want to have any incidents happen in my home that would cause there to be an issue for me and the kids. I know that the accusations are stemming from the bio mom’s manipulations but I can’t chance it with Primero’s adoption so close. I told the county worker and the CHOR case worker I had changed my mind and needed to rescind my offer and they both understood. Unfortunately, I had already mentioned to bio mom the plans that were in the works. I doubt the bio mom would be as understanding, but she’ll get over it. It is, after all, the monster she has created. The county case worker did say that the grandmother presented for the older girl, so maybe she can move there and settle in and be happier. At least that’s the hope. I’m not sure how bio mom would feel about that, since, as far as I know, the grandmother didn’t take any of the other children who were placed in care.

Since I missed most of what happened, I had to hear from the case worker and Primero what was said and what was decided. The children will not be going home anytime soon. The next court date isn’t until July, at which point the baby will be a year old. There was mention of the things that bio mom has to do, such as seeing a therapist and getting a job. Primero mentioned she wasn’t happy during most of the hearing and I’m sure she wasn’t because she thought they would be home a long time ago already. I feel sorry for her, yet I know she isn’t helping herself in a lot of ways. I noticed the baby bump again yesterday. She was hiding it under a winter jacket but the last two buttons on her shirt were bulging over a bump. I don’t think she’s feeling well and she did cancel today’s visit siting a cold. I know it was mentioned that doctors told her after the little girl was born she should consider permanent sterilization because her body could not continue bearing children. Then she had the baby boy and he came a little early due to preeclampsia. And, I think she’s smoking or living with someone who smokes because when she holds the baby I can smell it on him, under the stench of too much perfume and this does not help with high blood pressure.   

Regardless of anything else, the good news (for me) is that the little ones aren’t going anywhere until at least July. By that point, the baby will be a year old. And, by that point, if bio mom is indeed pregnant and my calculations are correct, the new baby will be born. I know it’s purely selfish, but I’m so happy to know the baby will be with us until he’s a year old at least. Primero believes the baby will stay forever (he still takes issue with the little girl), so he just takes it as fact.      

It’s so strange how different things are this time versus the last court visit. But, I feel like I’ve gotten my equilibrium back and I’m not panic stricken like I was last month that the children would be taken away. One other piece of news we were given yesterday is that Hermano will be moved back to our county, possibly the city, with a different foster agency (not CHOR). Primero was shocked that his brother was telling the truth and I am a little too because we are both fairly certain it will only be a matter of time before he runs off to be with bio mom and not in foster care. No matter how hard you try, there are just some kids you cannot reach. For that I am truly sorry.

A Bowlful of Uncomfortable

The little ones have court on Monday. I’m dreading it. Not only is it stressful to keep three small children quiet during court, but it’s stressful to be shuffled around, to be seen and not heard as a foster parent, and to wait on pins and needles for a decision to be made regarding the future of children you have grown to love. I don’t really know what to expect. I don’t know if the judge will decide to send the children home or begin that process (since I believe it is very unlikely that the children would go home that same day). It’s confusing because I’m being told the county has asked for my family profile for the baby but not the little girl. Would they split the children up? Would they send the girls home before the baby? Months ago I was told to prepare for a messy court session because there was going to be testimony. But, then court was rescheduled multiple times and no mention was made about the testimony or anything else for that matter. I hate feeling like I want to be there and yet I don’t – it’s that awkward feeling you get when driving past an accident or witnessing a couple fight in front of you; you want to glance at it and yet feeling nosy about someone’s misfortune makes you feel queasy and angry at yourself. Just a bowlful of uncomfortable.

The last visit the kids had the bio mom lamented having community visits because they were occurring at a fast-food restaurant which was costing the bio mom a sum of money she was not comfortable spending every week. Yet, she was the one pushing for community visits knowing it was a rule that the parents needed to feed the children if a visit occurred about mealtime (I just found this out myself). A visit was cancelled last week because the older sister couldn’t make it and bio mom refuses to have a visit unless all of the children are there. So, they were going to have three visits this week. I got the sense that bio mom was a little overwhelmed and exhausted after the second visit (the visits would have been three days in a row) and seemed grateful the third visit would need to be rescheduled due to snow (that was last night). She told me after one visit that she was letting me “borrow” her children until she got her life back together. It seems she’s lost some of her arrogance and confidence. She made no mention of court, which she always tells me about or tells me it’s been cancelled, whatever the case might be. In her comment, her mannerisms and her interaction with her children, she just seems tired; tired from the fight, tired from the drama, just plain tired. She is still unhappy with where the older girl is placed and indicated to me that the older girl was unhappy (because the older girl is adept at picking up on clues from her bio mom on how to act and react to her foster family). The older girl wanted to spend the weekend at my house, but I have plans for a Bible study Friday night and it might snow again on Saturday. I feel fairly certain the older girl will be moving homes again. The grandmother indicated to me that she was considering adopting the older girl, yet she has not presented for her at this point, allowing the child to be moved from foster home to foster home mostly due to the whims of the bio mom. I try not to get involved but it’s hard not to when I’m there and I’ve known the girl as long as I’ve known the little girl that lives with me.

Things have improved between me and Primero. We seem to be back to our normal selves at this point. He’s on board again with the adoption but irritated with the “new” rules that have been reinstituted. I’m semi-relieved because the rules mean I don’t have to be the bad guy in saying no to certain activities I’m not totally comfortable with him attending. I’m not a fan of him being at the mall with a group of friends and no adult present. There are some friends he has that I’m not terribly comfortable with him spending much time at their house. And as for sleep-overs, I feel like I need to know the parents before I’d be comfortable with sleep-overs. I know I didn’t sleep-over at anyone’s house where my parents didn’t know my friends parents. And because so many of his friends from the CFA after school program are sexually active, I balk at him spending the night – especially given his past. It’s a tricky thing. I want to trust him to handle situations or to call me if things go awry but I also want to protect him and do what I can to not allow him to get into “bad” situations. I suppose every parent deals with this same push and pull when it comes to letting go of their maturing teen. I guess I just had a few more years until I’d be at this point!

Hermano has been silent lately. I haven’t spoken to him in quite some time. I did speak with his foster mother last week, just to let her know we would not be allowed to have Hermano spend time with us for the immediate future. She told me how things have been going with him and how disrespectful and angry Hermano has been. He blames all his problems on the county and is solely focused on getting back to the city with his mother. He even asked to be placed in a group home, just so he can be back in town and not an hour plus away. He is no longer engaged. His fiancé broke it off when she had the baby and the baby daddy came back into the picture. His foster mom thinks he’s already involved with another girl, which I believe. He can’t seem to stay single for more than a hot minute. I don’t know what else to do other than reach out and let him know I think about him and want to hear how he’s doing. The day I spoke with his foster mother he was supposed to have a visit with his mom, but she cancelled at the last minute. It’s kind of her M.O. If she keeps cancelling visits, it doesn’t seem likely that Hermano will be headed home anytime soon. I feel very bad for him because he is unable to see the truth. He thinks it’s the county that’s keeping him from his mother, but what he refuses to see is that she is not taking appropriate action to get him back. She seems disinterested in taking on the responsibilities of a mother at this point. I wish he would stay with his current foster mom, but he recently told me the county was moving him back closer to the city. I have not totally closed the door on him coming to stay with us, but I do acknowledge how hard it would be to keep him from running with the bad crowd he knew and knows in town or from running back to his bio mom. Still, I’m hoping we can continue to have time with him and I’m thinking of discussing with Primero about taking Hermano on a summer excursion with us. We shall see how it goes.   

Almost Free from My Worst Mistake

We had a planning meeting of sorts with Primero’s county case worker on Wednesday. She wasn’t there in person, but she participated over the phone. We got some questions answered in terms of the rules and guidelines for Primero and established that seeing his siblings is ok. Thanks goodness! We also got some answers about where his case is at in the adoption process. Next month they will have a court hearing for his mother to sign TPR (termination of parental rights). By law, they must wait 30 days before proceeding. Then they will set the date for the official adoption, which should be sometime around the month of May. So, hopefully before he finishes 8^th grade, Primero will be adopted! It’s very exciting!

In the past we discussed changing his name. He was thinking about changing his first name until he floated the idea past his siblings and they shot that idea down. He has this name he uses for all his social media entities and so he was thinking about making it his first name. Now, he’s thinking about making it his middle name, since this would give us the same initials. For his last name, he wants to hyphenate his name with mine. But, he wants to use my married name and I’m desperate to get rid of it. In fact, I just signed the divorce papers this week, so I’m hoping the divorce will be finalized before Primero gets adopted so I can change my name back to my maiden name. I wouldn’t want him hyphenating my maiden name because it is 13 letters long and that’s insane! I told him to just leave his name as it is (although, we will need to change the spelling since it is spelled wrong on his birth certificate – and the misspelling gives him a totally different name!).  We still have a few months to figure it all out.

I know I glossed over it in the paragraph above, so to reiterate, I signed divorce papers that Flaco brought me. Of course he’s still an @ss and refusing to contribute to any of the debt he left behind. I can’t think about it because it makes my blood boil and I begin plotting all kinds of awful “accidents” to happen to him. I signed the papers because I want it to be over. I don’t want to be tied to him in any way, shape, or form. I don’t want to know anything more about him, I don’t want to see him or hear from him. I want to close that chapter with a resounding bang. And I want to get rid of his name. Primero wants me to keep his name because he likes it better than my maiden name, since it’s Hispanic. But, I just don’t want to hang onto a name that reminds me of such a vile human being. It will be good to finally be free from the worst mistake of my life.

On Tuesday night when we went to training, the adoption coordinator (who happened to be running the meeting) told me the county had requested my family profile for the baby. Apparently his case is moving in the direction of adoption or at least that was the assumption of the adoption coordinator. The last few times they’ve had a visit, the baby spends the whole time wailing. His bio mom and the CHOR case worker supervising the visit seem to look to me to figure out why this might be but all I can think of is that he’s not comfortable because he doesn’t really know his bio mom. This baby is attached to me, it’s easy to see. He will quiet for Primero, but if he’s really sleepy or not feeling good, he wants only me. I know it’s good that he’s able to attach to me because it means he should be able to attach to others in the future, if the adoption falls through. I think that’s the greatest gift I can give him right now, along with a healthy lifestyle, the ability to form a healthy attachment. I hope and pray he and his sister will be my babies forever and I shudder to think of the pain and agony it would be to lose them. So, I just take it one day at a time. Always one more kiss, just in case, one more squeeze, hold him a little longer once he’s fallen asleep.

I had posted last week that when I had seen the bio mom it looked like she was expecting again. Now, when I see her it doesn’t seem that way, so I’m wondering if it wasn’t just the baggy clothing she was wearing and maybe a little water weight? I’m sure she would try to hide it as long as possible because of the county taking the baby I have right from the hospital. I truly hope it was a false rumor and that I was mistaken at what I saw. She would still be early in her pregnancy (just beginning the second trimester, from my calculations), so it’s entirely possible that she’s hiding it right now. Ok, I just need to stop obsessing over it. Her rampant fertility and my barrenness have nothing to do with caring for and adopting these babies I have right now. I guess I still get a little crazy around pregnant women. Crazy or depressed, one or the other. I need to find a way to manage that better because sometimes when I’m at lunch with some co-worker friends and they start on the baby path with the gal who’s expecting, I just want to run screaming from the room. Like when they were talking about baby showers and what food to get or what to register for and how not to get too many gift cards. Gag me with a wooden spoon already! I guess some people just don’t know how damn lucky they are…….

Our First Meeting

Hermano called last night. He wanted us to know he was on the way to the hospital. He’s been having trouble with his knee (he was wearing a brace the whole time he was with us for Christmas) and last night when he was taking a dog for a walk, the dog tripped him and he really messed up his knee. I spoke with him today and it seems he might need surgery. He’s in a great deal of pain. He’s on crutches and in a straight cast right now, so he missed school today and might miss more school next week. I hope the doctors can make him a little more comfortable until he has surgery, if that’s what he needs.

Primero has to go into respite tonight, he is not allowed to be home alone, as he was permitted in the past. I’m going out for a few hours and while I’m still ok with him staying home alone, the county is “leery” and doesn’t trust him. So, they’ve reverted back to treating him like he just came into care, rather than allowing the freedom of making our own choices as before. Primero has taken it in stride, I think it’s been harder on me to deal with the changes, mostly because nothing was explained to us. It’s not like we were given notification that the rules have changed, it’s just because I’m cautious and I ask about things – if I hadn’t mentioned Primero wanting to go with his friends to the mall this afternoon, he would have gone because I had given him permission. Luckily, I thought to bring it up to his case worker. The same for him being in respite. I said I was fine with him spending a few hours home alone, but the county didn’t like that idea, so into respite he goes. This means I’m running to two foster homes for the kids, since there aren’t too many homes that take in teens, toddlers and babies. Hopefully we can get this all hashed out with the new county case worker next week and at least know what we can and cannot do. I’m so worried about making a mistake, it makes me anxious to do anything. Primero and I are both hoping the adoption will go through sooner rather than later so we can be done with all of this. 

Saturday marks the year anniversary of Primero and I meeting and having him spend the weekend with me. It’s crazy to think that was just a year ago! I’ve gotten so used to having Primero in my life and in my home that it seems like he was always there. It’s hard to believe it will only be a year the end of February that he moved in. He wants to do something special, and I promised him we would. It’s nice to celebrate things like that and I’m glad he wants to recognize it’s a special day for us. We’ll keep working on this whole family thing.

Under Restrictions

So, the case worker came over last night. She delivered the news from the county that all visitation from all of Primero’s family members must cease. Hermano will not be allowed to visit us, nor will we be allowed to see any other siblings or family members, no matter how positive they have been for Primero. It really sucks and I feel so bad because I played a hand in creating this banishment. We had gotten too presumptive in our freedom to see family and make decisions for ourselves and now we’ve gotten our hands slapped. In addition to the family restrictions, Primero is no longer allowed to hang out with his friends, unless there is an adult with their clearances on file with the county and he can't stay home alone as he was permitted in the past. Part of this stems from Primero sneaking off to see his bio mom without permission, but the county was also displeased that we saw his bio mom on Christmas. And, I get the sense that they are blaming me for Hermano’s stunt and of course, for letting him be around his mom as well. This is so crazy, because at the beginning of December the case worker said bio mom would only have to contact me for a visit and now it’s back to the county calling the shots. Meanwhile, they are screwing around with his adoption, taking their sweet old time for reasons even CHOR can’t fathom. I’m beginning to get very frustrated. I would like to talk to his new county worker (his third since he’s been living with me) to get things all hashed out. I can follow the rules when I know what they are, but I am not a mind reader and I cannot follow rules that flip-flop depending on the whimsy of the latest (unknown) case worker. Too bad the county is unfamiliar with this thing call “common sense.” Yeah, I’m pissy about this. While I’m not keen on Primero spending time with his bio mom and some other family members who have been less than appropriate with him, I don’t see harm in him seeing family when I’m around. Am I not trusted to keep him safe and put the kibosh on something untoward that’s happening before me? I thought it was great letting his siblings get to know me and spend time with their brother. Siblings are so important in our lives, especially when your life has been as topsy-turvy as Primero’s. Our CHOR case worker is trying to get a planning meeting set with the county worker sometime in the next few weeks, so I am hoping to be able to express my frustrations and confusions to the source and also plead my case for at least sibling interaction. I feel bad for Hermano, since he is now stranded so far away from all his family with only occasional visits happening with his mom (he had one right before the new year). If only the county worker had taken the time to call me before Christmas as the CHOR case worker said she would – then a lot of these issues would have been avoided.

Primero has taken the news in stride, accepting the fall-out as punishment for the mistake he made in going out to see his bio mom without permission. We also spoke a little more about the adoption/no adoption issue. His case worker asked him about it and he said he just really liked the idea of having his family all back together and then thinking of adoption made him realize that it would never be like that again. And he worried if his siblings would stop treating him like their brother, stop calling him by his nickname and whatnot. He confessed to me that he felt like he was a mistake for me, because I have the baby now and if I get to adopt him then that’s really what I wanted. I said just because I might adopt the baby didn’t mean I didn’t want him. I said, if I had given birth to him and then 14 years later had the baby, would that mean I’d get rid of him? He said no and I replied, “I love you, you are my son. Just because there is a baby does not mean I love or want you any less. I want you here, I want you to be my son.” I hugged him and said I wouldn’t let him go until he said he believed me. It makes me mad at myself for telling him last year, when he desperately wanted to move in with me, that I was waiting to adopt a baby, that that was my major goal. In essence, I was telling him I didn’t want him. I think part of him remembers that and worries I will think of him as a mistake or change my mind. I told him lots of moms have more than one child and that doesn’t mean they love the older children any less just because they have a new baby. I hope he will believe me, I hope my actions prove to him he is my beloved son and not a mistake. He is a blessing, a much loved blessing.

New Year, Same Drama

My first post of the new year! Happy 2015! Usually I get all sentimental the end of one year, looking back at all that happened and turning a hopeful eye to the coming year. The holidays were such a blur this year! They crept up on me too quickly and then vanished in an instant. And then there was all the drama surrounding Primero and his bio family, the little ones in court, Hermano proposing to his girlfriend….. I’m kinda glad it’s over!

We had a quiet New Years at our place. We were not allowed to have Hermano spend any time with us due to a rule from his foster agency that all kids must be in their resource home for New Year’s Eve. They don’t want kids out partying and causing a ruckus, which I get, but it was still disappointing. Despite his total change in demeanor since bio mom was released from jail, I still care for Hermano and will do what I can to help him get on a better path in life. Right now he is very bitter about being in foster care and his only thought, the entire driving force in his life, is to get back with his bio mom, back into the mess of a life that he had that caused him to be sent to a juvenile detention center and then foster care. It’s hard to not want to shake the daylights out of him until he can see the gift he has been given to turn his life around. He is especially depressed right now because he and his girlfriend/fiancé broke up a few days ago. Their engagement lasted a little over a week. Not that I want to see him hurt, but I’m so glad it’s over.

Things between Primero and I have been improving, but I think it’s easy to get lulled into complacency. Primero is adept at burying issues so deep that even he forgets they still exist. He admitted to me earlier this week that it’s hard for him to let me parent him, it’s hard for him to get out of “survivor mode” (his words) and just “be a kid.” I think that was insightful of him and certainly true. He said even in his previous foster home he was in survival mode because he wasn’t getting along with his foster father. I told him it was important for him to relearn to be a kid because he needs this time to develop more and not be stressed out over taking care of himself. We have not talked about him wanting or not wanting to be adopted since right before New Year’s. I think both our emotions are too raw for us to address that right now. His case worker, who had been out of the office during all these calamities, suggested we think about a few more joint therapy sessions. I started looking for a support group for myself and have thus far only found something too far away (in Philly). But, I did find some help on an adoption website and I’ve made contact with a woman who’s story is eerily similar to mine (except, she’s married, already has an adopted daughter, and her son is a little older than mine). I’m hoping we can be a support to one another.

The Sunday after New Year’s we had a visit with the little one’s grandmother. It was the best visit by far. In the past, the grandmother brought along other siblings to the baby’s mother, and their children as well. So, it was a big rowdy group. This last visit was just one older sister (yes, we finally met one of the older siblings and she was a very nice young lady). We thought it was going to be just the two I have but the older sister showed up and we met her new foster mother (and I ended up taking the sister home – I’m forever involved with this girl!). The grandmother confided in me that she was thinking of adopting the older sister because she is bouncing around so much and she just wants stability for the girl. She point-blank asked me if I would adopt the younger two, should the case get to that point. I said I would and she immediately prayed for that to happen, for me to adopt the little ones. She said she doesn’t worry about them, she feels good knowing where they are and would be happy to have me adopt them. Wow! I always felt like there was a back-and-forth with her, like she did but she didn’t want me to adopt the little ones. I think she saw how loved the baby is by me and by Primero and she knew he would be well taken care of in our home. It was nice to know the grandmother would give her blessing to the adoption and know that I would strive to keep her involved in their lives.

Last night the babies had their first “community” visit with their mom. It was at the library (keeping kids quiet in the library? I’m glad I wasn’t there!). When I went to pick them up the baby was screaming and it was reported that he spent the entire visit screaming and no one could figure out why. He cried the whole way home until I held him and then he calmed down, drank a bottle, and took a 20 minute cat nap. He was even more clingy last night than he usually is, so maybe he was just reacting to being away from home after spending so much time at home recently. I have no idea. He was fine again this morning, although he seems to be developing a cough again.

So, in the midst of all the drama with Primero and Hermano on Christmas and the days following, the little girl started having nightmares. She wakes up screaming first for me and then for Primero if I don’t respond quickly enough. The second night, she gave herself a bloody nose which was a mess to clean up (I think she was picking her nose, since I saw her doing that for a few days following and she had a second minor nose bleed from it). She’s been falling asleep with the overhead light on, which I turn off when I go to sleep. For five nights in a row she woke up screaming and crying and didn’t fall back asleep for over an hour! It was brutal since the baby too woke me up a few times. This week we’ve had a few good nights but at 5 o-clock this morning she was at it again. She has always had a nightlight in her room, she has a little machine that plays music and projects images on the ceiling, nothing has been moved in her room, yet something triggered these nightmares. The therapist came up with the idea of giving her a stuffed bear that she can tell her nightmares to and the bear will make them silly stories instead. She doesn’t buy into it. The second night with the bear she handed it to me and said, “I don’t want this bear.” I asked her why not and she responded, “Because he pees in my bed and makes it smelly.” Um, ok. This morning I gave her a sip of water, tucked her back in and said she should go back to sleep. When I went to wake her at 7 she had a melt-down because she was still tired. I know, tell me about it kid! The baby woke me up at midnight and 4, so I know tired! I’m hoping she will be able to readjust and get back to her regular sleeping habits. She has taken to crying herself to sleep at night and with the light on, she plays until she passes out. It’s less-than ideal but I don’t really know what else to do. It’s odd to say this, but I feel like ever since she started therapy she’s been more unruly and now has these nightmares.  

So, back in October I alluded to a rumor that I didn’t believe, or perhaps didn’t want to believe to be true. I still only half believe it, but I saw what I think is proof last night. In October the grandmother showed me a text from her daughter stating she was expecting again. But she had just had the baby and was making a big deal about having a C-section and she even told her mother that she couldn’t have any more children because she had an emergency hysterectomy. When I reported what I was told to the county they denied the report of a hysterectomy and confirmed that it could be entirely possible. I didn’t notice anything more than a tiny tummy at court, something that one would expect of a woman who has had 9 kids, but last night I saw a noticeable bump. She could have been wearing some spanks under her dress at court, to suck that tummy in, but last night she was in sweats and it was noticeable. She is a thin woman and sometimes, when it’s that time of the month and there’s bloating and water retention, the tiny girls could look like they’ve got a bun in the oven. So, this could still be a false rumor at this point. But, I just could not get my eyes off her abdomen last night. If she is expecting and showing already, this baby could be born before “my” baby is even a year old! That’s total insanity!

When I reported this rumor to the county in October, I was asked to take in the new baby. The case worker stated I would be their preference. Fast-forward to me trying to take in Hermano and I was told my limit is three kids because that is what I am licensed to have at this point. That was not changed when my annual review occurred, at least not to my knowledge. So, I highly doubt CHOR would allow the county to place the new baby with me, despite their preference. I don’t know if a new pregnancy changes things in terms of if/when the children could return home. I don’t even know for sure she’s expecting – although as time goes on that will become more and more obvious. The crazy thing to me is that this is the second mom I’ve worked with to be having a baby while her older children are in foster care. How crazy is that? I mean, I’m not one to want intrusion into our personal lives by any government entity, but I do think I would be all for a requirement for mandatory birth control for parents with children in the system. Let them get things straightened out for their current children before adding any more innocent lives to the mix. To me it shows just how irresponsible these mothers are, to keep having babies with different men while others care for their children because they cannot (or will not). It’s hard not to see a new baby as an attempt to replace the children she lost.        

So there you have it. Apparently 2015 will be just as chaotic and crazy as 2014. Hopefully this year things will be made official for Primero (assuming that this is what he wants) and perhaps the little ones as well. As far as goals go, I’m hoping to get more organized and drop a few pounds – things I resolve to do every year. Maybe I’ll get it right this year…..