We had a planning meeting of sorts with Primero’s county
case worker on Wednesday. She wasn’t there in person, but she participated over
the phone. We got some questions answered in terms of the rules and guidelines
for Primero and established that seeing his siblings is ok. Thanks goodness! We
also got some answers about where his case is at in the adoption process. Next
month they will have a court hearing for his mother to sign TPR (termination of
parental rights). By law, they must wait 30 days before proceeding. Then they
will set the date for the official adoption, which should be sometime around
the month of May. So, hopefully before he finishes 8th grade,
Primero will be adopted! It’s very exciting!
In the past we discussed changing his name. He was thinking
about changing his first name until he floated the idea past his siblings and
they shot that idea down. He has this name he uses for all his social media
entities and so he was thinking about making it his first name. Now, he’s
thinking about making it his middle name, since this would give us the same
initials. For his last name, he wants to hyphenate his name with mine. But, he
wants to use my married name and I’m desperate to get rid of it. In fact, I
just signed the divorce papers this week, so I’m hoping the divorce will be
finalized before Primero gets adopted so I can change my name back to my maiden
name. I wouldn’t want him hyphenating my maiden name because it is 13 letters
long and that’s insane! I told him to just leave his name as it is (although,
we will need to change the spelling since it is spelled wrong on his birth
certificate – and the misspelling gives him a totally different name!). We still have a few months to figure it all
out.
I know I glossed over it in the paragraph above, so to
reiterate, I signed divorce papers that Flaco brought me. Of course he’s still
an @ss and refusing to contribute to any of the debt he left behind. I can’t
think about it because it makes my blood boil and I begin plotting all kinds of
awful “accidents” to happen to him. I signed the papers because I want it to be
over. I don’t want to be tied to him in any way, shape, or form. I don’t want
to know anything more about him, I don’t want to see him or hear from him. I
want to close that chapter with a resounding bang. And I want to get rid of his
name. Primero wants me to keep his name because he likes it better than my
maiden name, since it’s Hispanic. But, I just don’t want to hang onto a name
that reminds me of such a vile human being. It will be good to finally be free
from the worst mistake of my life.
On Tuesday night when we went to training, the adoption
coordinator (who happened to be running the meeting) told me the county had
requested my family profile for the baby. Apparently his case is moving in the
direction of adoption or at least that was the assumption of the adoption
coordinator. The last few times they’ve had a visit, the baby spends the whole
time wailing. His bio mom and the CHOR case worker supervising the visit seem
to look to me to figure out why this might be but all I can think of is that he’s
not comfortable because he doesn’t really know his bio mom. This baby is
attached to me, it’s easy to see. He will quiet for Primero, but if he’s really
sleepy or not feeling good, he wants only me. I know it’s good that he’s able to
attach to me because it means he should be able to attach to others in the
future, if the adoption falls through. I think that’s the greatest gift I can
give him right now, along with a healthy lifestyle, the ability to form a
healthy attachment. I hope and pray he and his sister will be my babies forever
and I shudder to think of the pain and agony it would be to lose them. So, I
just take it one day at a time. Always one more kiss, just in case, one more
squeeze, hold him a little longer once he’s fallen asleep.
I had posted last week that when I had seen the bio mom it
looked like she was expecting again. Now, when I see her it doesn’t seem that
way, so I’m wondering if it wasn’t just the baggy clothing she was wearing and
maybe a little water weight? I’m sure she would try to hide it as long as
possible because of the county taking the baby I have right from the hospital.
I truly hope it was a false rumor and that I was mistaken at what I saw. She
would still be early in her pregnancy (just beginning the second trimester,
from my calculations), so it’s entirely possible that she’s hiding it right
now. Ok, I just need to stop obsessing over it. Her rampant fertility and my
barrenness have nothing to do with caring for and adopting these babies I have
right now. I guess I still get a little crazy around pregnant women. Crazy or
depressed, one or the other. I need to find a way to manage that better because
sometimes when I’m at lunch with some co-worker friends and they start on the
baby path with the gal who’s expecting, I just want to run screaming from the
room. Like when they were talking about baby showers and what food to get or
what to register for and how not to get too many gift cards. Gag me with a
wooden spoon already! I guess some people just don’t know how damn lucky they
are…….
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