A Bowlful of Uncomfortable

The little ones have court on Monday. I’m dreading it. Not only is it stressful to keep three small children quiet during court, but it’s stressful to be shuffled around, to be seen and not heard as a foster parent, and to wait on pins and needles for a decision to be made regarding the future of children you have grown to love. I don’t really know what to expect. I don’t know if the judge will decide to send the children home or begin that process (since I believe it is very unlikely that the children would go home that same day). It’s confusing because I’m being told the county has asked for my family profile for the baby but not the little girl. Would they split the children up? Would they send the girls home before the baby? Months ago I was told to prepare for a messy court session because there was going to be testimony. But, then court was rescheduled multiple times and no mention was made about the testimony or anything else for that matter. I hate feeling like I want to be there and yet I don’t – it’s that awkward feeling you get when driving past an accident or witnessing a couple fight in front of you; you want to glance at it and yet feeling nosy about someone’s misfortune makes you feel queasy and angry at yourself. Just a bowlful of uncomfortable.

The last visit the kids had the bio mom lamented having community visits because they were occurring at a fast-food restaurant which was costing the bio mom a sum of money she was not comfortable spending every week. Yet, she was the one pushing for community visits knowing it was a rule that the parents needed to feed the children if a visit occurred about mealtime (I just found this out myself). A visit was cancelled last week because the older sister couldn’t make it and bio mom refuses to have a visit unless all of the children are there. So, they were going to have three visits this week. I got the sense that bio mom was a little overwhelmed and exhausted after the second visit (the visits would have been three days in a row) and seemed grateful the third visit would need to be rescheduled due to snow (that was last night). She told me after one visit that she was letting me “borrow” her children until she got her life back together. It seems she’s lost some of her arrogance and confidence. She made no mention of court, which she always tells me about or tells me it’s been cancelled, whatever the case might be. In her comment, her mannerisms and her interaction with her children, she just seems tired; tired from the fight, tired from the drama, just plain tired. She is still unhappy with where the older girl is placed and indicated to me that the older girl was unhappy (because the older girl is adept at picking up on clues from her bio mom on how to act and react to her foster family). The older girl wanted to spend the weekend at my house, but I have plans for a Bible study Friday night and it might snow again on Saturday. I feel fairly certain the older girl will be moving homes again. The grandmother indicated to me that she was considering adopting the older girl, yet she has not presented for her at this point, allowing the child to be moved from foster home to foster home mostly due to the whims of the bio mom. I try not to get involved but it’s hard not to when I’m there and I’ve known the girl as long as I’ve known the little girl that lives with me.

Things have improved between me and Primero. We seem to be back to our normal selves at this point. He’s on board again with the adoption but irritated with the “new” rules that have been reinstituted. I’m semi-relieved because the rules mean I don’t have to be the bad guy in saying no to certain activities I’m not totally comfortable with him attending. I’m not a fan of him being at the mall with a group of friends and no adult present. There are some friends he has that I’m not terribly comfortable with him spending much time at their house. And as for sleep-overs, I feel like I need to know the parents before I’d be comfortable with sleep-overs. I know I didn’t sleep-over at anyone’s house where my parents didn’t know my friends parents. And because so many of his friends from the CFA after school program are sexually active, I balk at him spending the night – especially given his past. It’s a tricky thing. I want to trust him to handle situations or to call me if things go awry but I also want to protect him and do what I can to not allow him to get into “bad” situations. I suppose every parent deals with this same push and pull when it comes to letting go of their maturing teen. I guess I just had a few more years until I’d be at this point!

Hermano has been silent lately. I haven’t spoken to him in quite some time. I did speak with his foster mother last week, just to let her know we would not be allowed to have Hermano spend time with us for the immediate future. She told me how things have been going with him and how disrespectful and angry Hermano has been. He blames all his problems on the county and is solely focused on getting back to the city with his mother. He even asked to be placed in a group home, just so he can be back in town and not an hour plus away. He is no longer engaged. His fiancé broke it off when she had the baby and the baby daddy came back into the picture. His foster mom thinks he’s already involved with another girl, which I believe. He can’t seem to stay single for more than a hot minute. I don’t know what else to do other than reach out and let him know I think about him and want to hear how he’s doing. The day I spoke with his foster mother he was supposed to have a visit with his mom, but she cancelled at the last minute. It’s kind of her M.O. If she keeps cancelling visits, it doesn’t seem likely that Hermano will be headed home anytime soon. I feel very bad for him because he is unable to see the truth. He thinks it’s the county that’s keeping him from his mother, but what he refuses to see is that she is not taking appropriate action to get him back. She seems disinterested in taking on the responsibilities of a mother at this point. I wish he would stay with his current foster mom, but he recently told me the county was moving him back closer to the city. I have not totally closed the door on him coming to stay with us, but I do acknowledge how hard it would be to keep him from running with the bad crowd he knew and knows in town or from running back to his bio mom. Still, I’m hoping we can continue to have time with him and I’m thinking of discussing with Primero about taking Hermano on a summer excursion with us. We shall see how it goes.