Under Restrictions

So, the case worker came over last night. She delivered the news from the county that all visitation from all of Primero’s family members must cease. Hermano will not be allowed to visit us, nor will we be allowed to see any other siblings or family members, no matter how positive they have been for Primero. It really sucks and I feel so bad because I played a hand in creating this banishment. We had gotten too presumptive in our freedom to see family and make decisions for ourselves and now we’ve gotten our hands slapped. In addition to the family restrictions, Primero is no longer allowed to hang out with his friends, unless there is an adult with their clearances on file with the county and he can't stay home alone as he was permitted in the past. Part of this stems from Primero sneaking off to see his bio mom without permission, but the county was also displeased that we saw his bio mom on Christmas. And, I get the sense that they are blaming me for Hermano’s stunt and of course, for letting him be around his mom as well. This is so crazy, because at the beginning of December the case worker said bio mom would only have to contact me for a visit and now it’s back to the county calling the shots. Meanwhile, they are screwing around with his adoption, taking their sweet old time for reasons even CHOR can’t fathom. I’m beginning to get very frustrated. I would like to talk to his new county worker (his third since he’s been living with me) to get things all hashed out. I can follow the rules when I know what they are, but I am not a mind reader and I cannot follow rules that flip-flop depending on the whimsy of the latest (unknown) case worker. Too bad the county is unfamiliar with this thing call “common sense.” Yeah, I’m pissy about this. While I’m not keen on Primero spending time with his bio mom and some other family members who have been less than appropriate with him, I don’t see harm in him seeing family when I’m around. Am I not trusted to keep him safe and put the kibosh on something untoward that’s happening before me? I thought it was great letting his siblings get to know me and spend time with their brother. Siblings are so important in our lives, especially when your life has been as topsy-turvy as Primero’s. Our CHOR case worker is trying to get a planning meeting set with the county worker sometime in the next few weeks, so I am hoping to be able to express my frustrations and confusions to the source and also plead my case for at least sibling interaction. I feel bad for Hermano, since he is now stranded so far away from all his family with only occasional visits happening with his mom (he had one right before the new year). If only the county worker had taken the time to call me before Christmas as the CHOR case worker said she would – then a lot of these issues would have been avoided.

Primero has taken the news in stride, accepting the fall-out as punishment for the mistake he made in going out to see his bio mom without permission. We also spoke a little more about the adoption/no adoption issue. His case worker asked him about it and he said he just really liked the idea of having his family all back together and then thinking of adoption made him realize that it would never be like that again. And he worried if his siblings would stop treating him like their brother, stop calling him by his nickname and whatnot. He confessed to me that he felt like he was a mistake for me, because I have the baby now and if I get to adopt him then that’s really what I wanted. I said just because I might adopt the baby didn’t mean I didn’t want him. I said, if I had given birth to him and then 14 years later had the baby, would that mean I’d get rid of him? He said no and I replied, “I love you, you are my son. Just because there is a baby does not mean I love or want you any less. I want you here, I want you to be my son.” I hugged him and said I wouldn’t let him go until he said he believed me. It makes me mad at myself for telling him last year, when he desperately wanted to move in with me, that I was waiting to adopt a baby, that that was my major goal. In essence, I was telling him I didn’t want him. I think part of him remembers that and worries I will think of him as a mistake or change my mind. I told him lots of moms have more than one child and that doesn’t mean they love the older children any less just because they have a new baby. I hope he will believe me, I hope my actions prove to him he is my beloved son and not a mistake. He is a blessing, a much loved blessing.