Days like This

Does anyone else have days where they really feel like they cannot go on anymore? Like the weight of everything is too much and they just want to crawl under the covers and make it all go away? That’s how I’m feeling today. I guess, more than anything, I’m really just feeling those broken parts in me and I wish I could scoop out all my vulnerable parts and bury them so deep they won’t ever again see the light of day. I want to be this wonderful, perfect, graceful adoptive mother who doesn’t bat an eye at her adopted children wanting to spend as much time as possible with their biological family, who can nimbly walk into the home of the children’s bio family and fully participate in familial activities with excitement and joy. I hate the parts of me that won’t let me do that. I hate the parts of me that find it hard and awkward and undesirable. I hate the parts of me that fight against it, the parts that scream they don’t want to do it, that it’s too much to ask of me. I want to be the kind of adoptive mother who can let the insults, the rejections, the lashing out just bounce off my chest and roll away, while I wait with open arms for that potential day when I am fully accepted. I hate the parts of me that demand respect, that ache to be a mother and tremble at the thought of another loss or rejection. I hate the parts of me that can’t accept the differences of adoptive versus biological children and want to stifle the parts of me that still desire a child that will always and only be my own. I fear that these ugly parts of me will ruin everything and cause me to lose the children I love the most. I wish I were different in so many ways. I feel pathetic and unworthy of all the good that I have. Surely tomorrow will be a better day.