Over-Thinking

Love Bug has been sleeping much better the past few weeks. Most nights he stays asleep until early morning, like around 6-6:30. Some weekends he even sleeps in as last as 7-7:30! But, some nights he still wakes up and won’t go back to sleep in his crib. Those nights, like this past one, he needs to be held, not just sleep in bed beside me, but be held to my chest and sleep on me. Often times he doesn’t even want a bottle, he just wants me to hold him. I makes me worry that he’s insecure about our attachment and fearful that I will not be there when he wakes up if he is not sleeping with his head on my chest, hearing my heart beating. Of course, I could be reading into as well and maybe he’s just spoiled and sleeps like that because I let him (really, it’s the only way I can get back to sleep, since any other method results in loud crying). It could be his teeth and he just needs comforting because he is getting like a million molars right now and I’m sure that doesn’t feel the greatest. In general, Love Bug is a needy child and he requires a lot of attention. I’m blamed for making him that way, but I insist he was like that from the moment he came home. As a tiny infant, he would only sleep being held. If I laid him down he would howl. So, he’s been consistent in his needs and even though he is now able to walk and explore, he mostly prefers to be held and watch you try to struggle to complete tasks with one hand. He is this way at daycare as well. He has grown fond of his new teacher and so as long as she is in the room when I’m dropping him off, he does fine. On those rare mornings when she isn’t there, he cries inconsolably as I leave him in his class room. At Sunday school he howls for a good bit of time before settling in and either falling asleep or eating. He is always very anxious to leave when we pick him up. No one else, not the daycare, his OT therapist, the myriad of case workers, his doctor, no one seems to identify Love Bug’s behaviors as problematic, so I guess I should stop looking for trouble where this is none. I just want to make sure I am doing everything I can to ensure that Love Bug is getting the best start to life as possible. I wouldn’t want my ignorance or lack of diligence to cause him any developmental harm. I probably just over-think things…….

Tomorrow Love Bug will be 16 months old! That is crazy! The CHOR adoption case worker needs to come over to have me complete some paperwork she forgot to do before. Hopefully, once she has those things and I hand in the paperwork from my physical on Friday, she will be able to officially submit the adoption paperwork and then we will wait for a date. I’m cautiously optimistic that we will have a date before the end of the year, but I’m not going to hold my breath, since none of the dates we were given ever came to fruition. I need to weight the pros and cons to having Love Bug and Chica Marie attend the adoption (right now I’m leaning towards no, simply because I will be distracted and having them there would require an extra set of hands to keep them under control). We need to solidify our invite list and Primero needs to decide if he wants to celebrate afterwards or not. But, those things won’t need to happen until we get the official date. I honestly haven’t thought that much about what the day will be like because it seems so ethereal, like some lovely dream that is rather realistic. I still don’t think about it that much because it doesn’t seem real enough. With the line in the sand changing so often, it made it hard to believe in the adoption. When I got my physical Friday and explained to my family doctor why  I was there, he thought I had already adopted from the last time he performed my physical and filled out the paperwork (this was in September of 2013). I had to explain that the first physical was just to complete my homestudy to be eligible to adopt. Now, this one was for the actual adoption of a real child. “So, the first one was a waste then?” he asked. He’s not wrong, the whole process seems rather like a dog chasing its tail than anything that resembles common sense order. The rules are my physical must be done within a year of the adoption. Since I had not seen my family doctor since 2013, it was necessary for me to return and do it all over again, even though nothing had changed with my health in the interim. And my clearances, which were still good for fostering, had to be renewed because they needed to be done within a year of adoption. My family profile needed to be updated, Primero’s child profile needed to be updated and pretty much everything needed to be redone – the home inspection done by the adoption case worker, forms that were signed previously, it’s maddening!  So all of that is done now. The adoption case worker needs to see me to sign the financial form and to delineate who would take custody of Primero should anything happen to me. I meant to talk to Primero about that over the weekend but it slipped my mind. I know in the past he mentioned his brother or aunt who has two daughters, the youngest being just a bit older than Love Bug and I naturally think of my parents. I suppose we would really need to ask the person we would choose because that would be a crazy surprise if they ever needed to step in. So, this task is now added to our list of things to do tonight.

The county case worker notified me that Hermano will be moving in with a foster family in a nearby town the Monday after Primero’s birthday (which is only a little over a week away!) She said we could have bi-weekly visits with him, so that will be nice. It might mean we could do things over the holidays again, which would also be nice. I’m glad this case worker lets me know things like this, it makes me feel like she has a vested interest in doing what’s best for the kids, rather than just what is convenient for her. I know she is under no obligation to tell me things like this, but it does help to keep Primero informed and to have some involvement with his sibling. He knows I always try to accommodate him seeing his siblings because I know how important those relationships are, especially as we get older. I’m not sure when we will start the visits, but I’m glad she is allowing them to happen.  

Fear = False Evidence Appearing Real

It seems like every time I begin to get comfortable with things as they are, I start to sabotage it with feelings of doubt and anxiety. For the longest time I didn’t even consider the possibility that Love Bug and Chica Marie could go home. I think the last time was in December/January (here) and those feelings were short-lived. Nothing has been said about their case and we don’t have court again until December, but I know the county worker has been seeing more of bio mom and it just makes me worry. I know, I know, I should be happy that the family might be preserved, but it’s hard to believe things could change so drastically that the children will be cared for appropriately, especially after being in care for so long. Chica Marie talks about her “other” mommy on occasion, mostly recalling memories from the past, but she hasn’t asked to see her or made mention of missing her. This in and of itself worries me sometimes (what kid doesn’t miss their mommy?) but I let her lead – if she wants to talk about it, we talk about it, if she doesn’t we don’t. But, Chica Marie has memories, she knows her mother and while the transition might be hard on her, she might be able to handle it better than the baby. Love Bug is crazy attached to me. One night in respite and he couldn’t sleep unless he was bear-hugged to my chest for several days afterwards. Not only is he not connected to his mother but he seems afraid of her. He used to howl during visits and only calm down if the case worker held him or when I got there to hold him. I don’t think he would transition very well, I think it would be very hard on him and I could see him despondent for quite some time. I fear he would stop progressing with his therapy and not reach his full potential. I could be wrong, I could just be projecting my own feelings onto him, I don’t know. But, whenever the thought enters my mind of the potential of the kids going home, my heart freezes and my insides congeal, I stop breathing and panic starts coursing through my veins. After such a long time and such a bond and attachment growing, I don’t think I could easily get over these two going home.

The county case worker sent me an email earlier this week asking if Hermano mentioned anything to me or Primero about getting a girl pregnant while on the run over the summer. I told her what I know, which is when he first came into care a year ago his former girlfriend claimed to be pregnant but was quickly discovered to be lying. Then, over Christmas he proposed to a very pregnant girl but things ended after she had the baby and the baby daddy reappeared (and she is apparently pregnant again!). He’s been dating the same blonde girl from where he was placed in care before coming back to town and she has not made mention of expecting. I did say, unfortunately, Hermano is not known to be faithful, so it would be entirely possible, although Esperanza doesn’t think it would be. I don’t know why she asked this question, but there must be a reason. I certainly hope there isn’t a girl out there having Hermano’s baby because he does not need that right now. That kid needs a long time to get his head on straight and grow up – a baby should be the last thing on his agenda. But, I know he had posted something on Facebook once about trying to have a baby with his girlfriend at the time, so I would really not be surprised. I find it so sad that teen pregnancy is seen as no big deal in this city. I admonish both Primero and Esperanza about protecting themselves against pregnancy and STDs because such a vast majority of kids in this city have one or both. I have so little hope in this next generation and my goal is try to raise these kids to be exceptions to the pathetic statistics (although Primero is still dating one….).

Esperanza has started dating Primero’s girlfriend’s best friend. All four of them wanted to go to homecoming, but found out the school doesn’t allow students from other schools to attend. I know it’s mean, but I was happy for that decision. I don’t trust Primero’s girlfriend one bit and I so worried that this one year anniversary will result in sexual activity and a second baby. I’m sure it is pure paranoia, but I cannot shake it. The girlfriend had pressured Primero about sex in the past, so I’m sure she would pressure him again and use the longevity of their “relationship” to prove it a worthy endeavor. And, despite my instance of using protection, I will have no way of guaranteeing that will happen. I don’t know how parents of teenagers cope! If you aren’t worried about the kids academic progress, peer pressure to do drugs or smoke, then you worry about pregnancy and STD’s!! Yes, we talk about these things and I never shy away from answering questions, voicing my opinion, and offering suggestions on how to avoid unhealthy things. But, still I worry. Primero was irritated with me when I mentioned I wasn’t comfortable with him attending homecoming with his girlfriend. “It’s not like we’re gonna go at it in the middle of the dance floor!” he protested. Ah, but he forgets that I was once a teenager and I know where there is a will, there is a way. Now, they want to see a movie together instead. He’s done that in the past and I’ve allowed it as long as there are other kids along, which there will be. I just never feel great about it.

Primero will be 16 in a few weeks. I’m planning on throwing him a surprise party and I don’t really want to invite the girlfriend. I feel obligated to invite her but I really, really hope she won’t come. I just don’t like this girl and I want more than anything for them to be over and for Primero to find a nice girl, one without a baby and the issues that this one has. Esperanza jumped ship and while she didn’t like the girl at first, she seems to be buddies with her now. Bleck. I made 16 the magic number for Primero to being allowed to solo date and I’m sure he hasn’t forgotten about it. I would probably be nervous no matter who the girl was, but I certainly wouldn’t be as worried if it was someone other than this girl. I’m hoping he will dislike the idea of being driven to a date in our minivan or that the girl’s parents won’t let them solo date. I really could not handle being a grandmother, let alone having that girl be the mother.  

Example Day

I feel like not a day goes by without someone having some sort of issue. Take today for example:

Esperanza refused to go to school and threatened to drop out because two boys had been making fun of her and spreading rumors. She was distraught but would not tell me what was troubling her, only that she hated her school and didn’t want to go back. I know she has been hurt by so many people, especially adults, in the past that it is nearly impossible for her to trust. But, I really wanted to help her but my assistance was hampered by the lack of information she was sharing. I promised her I would go to bat for her, I would handle this issue that her school would have to hear me even if they wouldn’t listen to her, but I needed to know what I was fighting for, what change I needed to see occur. She would not budge. She wouldn’t tell me a thing. I won’t stop trying and I told her that when we spoke about it today. She apologized for making me “feel a type of way” last night and I told her I wasn’t upset about it and didn’t blame her for not wanting to tell me anything. I promised her I just wanted to help and I also promised her I wouldn’t stop trying to reach out to her. I know it’s hard for her to trust again after all she’s been through. I can only hope that my consistent actions will prove I am worthy of her trust. I did call the school this morning. I called the attendance line to report she wouldn’t be there and then I called the school social worker, who has been her biggest advocate to date, and then I called the vice principal whom I met when we talked about the fight Esperanza got into a few weeks ago. After a few phone calls to the school the problem was resolved and the one boy, who is her friend, text her to apologize. She will return to school on Monday. I hope she will see this as an example of how I was there for her and how I used my words and not threats or my fists to resolve a problem.

Primero started attending a brick and mortar charter school instead of his cyber school and he complains every day about how bad the students are at the school. He wants to go back to the cyber school but I want him to stick it out because A) he just started there and needs to give it a chance, which is more than one week and B) he really needs the structure and in-person attention he will get at school versus online. I just hope his grades reflect that we made a good choice because I don’t want him to skip from school to school every year, as he has all his life. I want him to spend all 4 years of high school in the same school. Next week he will celebrate a year being with his girlfriend. He said he wanted to get her a ring, but I nixed that idea pretty quickly (even though he wasn’t talking about a commitment ring, I still don’t like the idea). I don’t know what they will do. They only see one another briefly when she stops by the after school program to say hi. Her parents won’t let her attend and I explained to Primero that she has different priorities and should be expected to be home with her child and not gone all day for school then all night for the after school program. Sorry, not sorry, her child needs to come first. I know it sounds terrible, but I really just keep hoping they will break up and he will move on and find someone not in the situation this girl is in. After all this time together, you’d think I would get the hint and give up, but that just isn’t me. I don’t like her and she’s done nothing to persuade me to think otherwise.

Yesterday Chica Marie was given two written reprimands for hitting another child and for pulling a different kids hair. In the past her teacher has expressed how Chica Marie doesn’t always talk nice to her friends, that she calls them names and is mean to them. This is the first instance of hitting. So, before we left the house this morning we talked about what it means to be nice to our friends and what are some things we can do when we are angry. I’m hoping this helps. It seems like she acts out more when we are having a good day than when we are not having such a great day. Sigh. This is the kid I need to work with more, she’s the most difficult and the one I struggle with the most. I want to help get her over this self-hatred that she apparently has, but I find that I spend half of my time trying to undo the behaviors she has that result in most of her trouble. Honestly, I think I need to find a different therapist because I really don’t think this therapy is doing anything for her. I need to talk to her case worker about other options.

Love Bug is getting his first year molars, two at a time just like his other teeth. Despite the teeth, he has been sleeping better again. He has a nagging cold/allergy that just won’t quit and he’s tired of getting his nose wiped. This morning he had a very neon green bowl movement which begs the question, “what did you eat?” because we had pasta for dinner. He still isn’t talking, just babbling and making a lot of noise. He has gotten much better at walking and now prefers to walk rather than crawl. He still needs to have his teacher receive him at daycare in the morning or he will cry and cling to me. If his teacher is there he does fine.

I had the unfortunate displeasure of attracting the attention of the husband of a friend of mine from our previous church. He works at Primero’s new school (he worked at the previous school too, so it’s almost like we are following him) and he’s been trying to hook up with me. It makes me so sad because he’s a nice guy and we are friends, but it pains me to think that he’s trying to do this – his wife just went back to work after having their second daughter in June. I know the pain of finding out your husband is with another woman but I could not imagine how it would feel to know she is supposedly your friend! Now I’m stuck with the dilemma of telling her or keeping my mouth shut.

This is our life in a nutshell. Any given day there are a plethora of things happening with all of us that need to be either addressed, monitored, or handled in some fashion. All of these things are relatively easy compared to some of the doozies we come up against. I’m sure my parents had days like this, where it seemed each kid had some issue they needed to deal with and had to triage which problem they would work on first, but unlike me, they could divide and conqueror, I just have to put on my big girl panties and wade on in.  

Dredging Up the Past

Therapy makes me sad. It makes me dredge up the past when I think the past should just stay where it is and not bother me here in the present. I spent most of the therapy session crying this morning and now I’m just tired, all worn out and used up from the emotional toll. I’m going through the motions and just trying to get through the day, but I really just feel like crawling in bed and bawling my eyes out. I don’t want to relive the pain from the past, to remember how deeply some of the things cut me, I don’t want to pick at old scars. My therapist has suggested I need to go back to some of these dark places so I can heal correctly and move forward. Maybe. But, I don’t want to wallow in it anymore. I’m tired of feeling all the hurt. I want to move forward into the (hopefully) brighter and better future. My therapist also thinks I hide my feelings behind the kids, meaning I use them to distract myself from the pains of the past. She is asking me to find a support group for women with infertility, in hopes that talking more about that bag of painful goodies will help me get over it. I really don’t want to go back there. There’s no point in talking about something that happened that has no solution. I was unable to get pregnant and have children. Period. The end. Talking with other women, who might still be in the throes of infertility treatment, isn’t going to change my position. It’s not going to change the fact that I had and have no hope in conceiving a child any more than I have hope to end world hunger or get Pluto reinstated as a planet. It will probably just make me mad, in fact. To hear other women talking about how hard it is to deal with the poking and prodding of infertility treatments or, worse, to hear how someone miraculously got pregnant after years of trying – well, that would just piss me off. I suppose that says a lot about me and my character, but it’s the honest truth. It’s not that I don’t want to applaud someone’s miracle and wish her the very best, I just don’t want to get into with her, I don’t want to join her story or share my own with someone who eventually won and got what she wanted. Because it only reminds me that her story is not my story and I don’t get a happy ending and there’s no miracle for me. It’s selfish, I know. This is why it’s better for me to stay away from it. Infertility isn’t me anymore. I’m done with that, I’m done with everything about it. Infertility robbed me of my life, of the life I thought I was going to live. It took everything away from me and left me broken and alone. I want nothing more to do with it.

I know my therapist is right about one thing. I do use the kids to hide behind when it comes to dating or trying to find a romantic partner. Some of it is logistics – finding time to get to know someone is hard when respite is never a given and using my own network is a no-no. But, some of it is me just giving up. The children give me a purpose, they give me a family, and so it’s easy enough to overlook my needs for intimacy when I have to be so concerned for the health and well-being of these “little” people. I guess you could say the children are my life. I don’t think I mean that in a bad way, like I don’t have my own identity or that I feel like I’ve lost myself, I just mean that all that I do revolves around making sure the kids are taken care of first. I find enough left-over for me to treat myself to small luxuries, but mostly I take great pride and joy in raising the children and I enjoy spending time with them. I don’t know, I guess I sound crazy. I do wish I wasn’t doing this alone, I wish there were someone here by my side, but I just don’t have the energy or strength to try to find that someone. I guess I just don’t have any hope that there is someone out there for me.

Last night I was holding Love Bug while Chica Marie played and Primero met with his therapist. Love Bug laid his head on my shoulder and I nuzzled him under my neck, sniffing the sweet scent of soap and hair lotion in his soft, fuzzy curls and it took me back to when he was so much smaller, just a little peanut. Suddenly I was struck with just how much this baby has grown and my heart hurt with just how much I loved him, but I also remembered how much he has changed since his mother last saw him. It saddened me to think how Love Bug wouldn’t even know her if he saw her. The children haven’t had a visit since early June and nothing will be decided for them anytime soon, since their next court date is in December. Chica Marie sometimes makes mention of her other mommy (the name she came up with for her biological mother, although I think when she’s with her mom I’m the other mommy), but she hasn’t asked to see her. She has asked to see her sister and her grandmother, but not her mom. Love Bug knows me as his mom because that’s what I’ve been to him since he was 3 days old. His smile never fails to melt my heart and now when he calls me momma (which isn’t that often) my heart rejoices to be so blessed to have this little boy. Still, my happiness comes on the heels of his mother’s great sadness and so that taints it a bit, to think of how much she has lost, how much she has missed. She doesn’t know he’s walking as well as he is or that he’s saying words now (he says Chica Marie’s nickname a lot and calls Primero “Ninny,” he also calls the dog Ella and says “nuh” for no). She hasn’t seen how tall he’s grown or how thick and long his hair has gotten. She can’t see all his teeth and how he’s getting his molars now. She doesn’t know how he eats by himself and makes a heck of a mess because he wants to feed himself. Babies grow so fast and she has missed so much, it’s heartbreaking. I don’t really know where things are at with their case, I don’t know what is happening or what to expect at the next court hearing in a few months. All I know is this little, precious life is in the center of my world and I am honored to be there to watch him grow and learn.

Mamma Said There'd be Days Like This

Yesterday was a mess. Ever since he was in respite for one night over the weekend, Love Bug has not been sleeping through the night. In fact, he’s been fighting sleep and staying up for long stretches, which he hasn’t done in forever. Yesterday morning he woke up around 4:45 am. I let him fuss for a bit before I trudged into his room, scooped him out of his crib and plodded back to my room to give him a bottle. He fought going back to sleep after the bottle, which is not like him, but he did eventually doze about 20 minutes after waking up. I took him back to his bed and had barely laid his little body on the mattress when he sat up and howled and latched his chubby little arms around my neck in a death grip. I picked him up and took him back to my room to sleep in my bed, since this is usually the trick to getting him back to sleep when he doesn’t want to cooperate. I know, I know, it’s a terrible habit, but I honestly don’t do it that often and hey, I need sleep too! He would not sleep next to me, he had to sleep on me, like in a bear hug grip. It wasn’t long before he fell asleep again. By now I had to pee, so I carefully rolled him off of me and onto the bed. I slipped out of bed and crept to the door before he sat up and wailed. I decided my bladder needed relief more than the baby needed me to hold him, so he cried while I quickly went to the bathroom and returned to hold him tightly to my chest while he snored away. My eyes barely closed and my alarm was sounding. I snoozed it for a while then eventually pulled myself out of bed, leaving a sleeping baby behind in my warm crumpled covers.  

I buzzed through the day exhausted dealing with the daily irritations at work. My period, which had started over the weekend, was in full force with heavy bleeding and debilitating cramps. I was inwardly moaning all day. After snatching the kids from daycare and rushing them to a respite home, I met with Chica Marie’s therapist to discuss her behaviors. Chica Marie has been exhibiting some signs of personal sexual arousal during therapy and once at home. I find these things to be astounding, something not to be expected of a child so young. Both my therapist and hers seem to think it’s “normal” for a child not yet in school to be writhing on top of her hand to get pleasure and that I should simply ask her to do it in her bedroom and not in public. What?! No. Just no. I totally understand a child her age touching themselves, exploring their bodies or realizing they look different than their sibling. But, masturbating? Chica Marie’s therapist told me she has probably realized that touching herself gives her a certain feeling and if I tell her to stop it will only make her want to do it more. How does a child that is almost a baby get aroused let alone go all the way to orgasm? I’m sorry I just don’t accept this as being just a normal thing every kid does. If she were a teenager, it would be a different story, but as a child and little kid? No. Just no. I felt revolted as I left the therapy session, like I’m in the wrong world or something. I pick up the little ones and head home.

 

I had planned to make a recipe with sausage for dinner. When we got home I realized I had gotten steak out instead of sausage. Love Bug screamed incessantly. He was tired and wanted a bottle. He obstinately refused to take one swallow from his sippy cup, throwing it to the ground when it was offered to him. I was exhausted and hungry. I warmed up the last of the chicken noodle soup I made the other night and tried to feed it to Love Bug. He refused to eat it and screamed and swatted away the spoon. I did manage to get a few bites down but could not eat my dinner because he howled if he wasn’t being held. I left the dinner mess sit in the kitchen and sat glossy-eyed on the sofa with Love Bug, trying to convince him to take his sippy cup as he shrieked in protest. He wanted a bottle and after an hour and a half of him bawling I gave in. I gave him a bottle and he promptly fell asleep in my arms.

It was time for us to pick up Primero and Esperanza from the CFA. I sent Chica Marie out the door ahead of me and stepped out with Love Bug in my left arm and my purse on my right shoulder. The next thing I knew I was lying on my back, Love Bug was awake and howling, and the neighbors were running over to help us. Apparently, someone had left a new phone book on my front step right smack dab in the middle of my door. I had no idea, so I stepped out and when I turned to lock the door behind me the book sent me and Love Bug to the ground. Luckily, Love Bug landed on me and not the cement porch. He cried from being jarred awake, not from being hurt. I twisted my ankle and got a brush burn on the back of my left hand, but I will survive. Somehow I managed to bend the metal frame of the screen door and I am really hoping Primero and I can bend it back into shape.

As if this all weren’t bad enough, Primero and I got into a humongous fight over him not listening to me and disobediently turning the heat on after I specifically told him not to. I found the heater on when we got home and house was stuffy. He had been complaining about it being cold in the morning and I warned him not to turn the heat on that it would warm up in the afternoon, which it did. The situation exploded to the point I threatened to call the on-call for CHOR and ask them to take him away for the night. We had a huge blow up and Primero retreated to his room and I to mine. Primero called and talked to his previous CHOR case worker and she was able to reach him, talk some sense into him and we made up before going to bed. But, whew! What a day!!   

Football in the Rain

Friday night it was cold and with sprinkles of rain coming and going. But, despite the undesirable weather, Primero, Esperanza and I went to see Hermano’s football game. We were there for the second half, since we went to eat first after dropping the little ones off in their respite home. I was wearing my winter coat and Esperanza had a blanket wrapped around her as we stood on the sidelines watching the game. There were no points on the board when we got there and it was soon evident that the teams were pretty well matched. The team Hermano plays for had a rowdy crowd and a really good marching band (but not-so-great cheerleaders). We saw Hermano on the sidelines and he would wave and dance for us from time to time. Esperanza asked him if we would see him play and he indicated he was on suspension. We later found out he had skipped practice, so he would not be allowed to play. The game got interesting as Hermano’s team scored a touchdown and field goal. The other team quickly scored a touchdown but missed the field goal. There were seconds on the clock and Hermano’s team was up by one point, so rather than try to fight the last few yards to another touchdown, they took a knee and won the game. Hermano ran past us, as the rain started to get heavier and said he would change and be back out, asking us to wait by the buses. We found shelter under the roof of the school and soon he came running back out and leapt on Esperanza, nearly tackling her with a ferocious bear hug. He did the same to Primero and then dove on me. He was so hyper and excited from winning the game and then seeing his siblings, the sheer joy on his face was radiating to all around him. We talked for a few minutes before he was summoned to the buses to drive the hour plus back to the facility. Before leaving, he begged us to come visit him at the facility and asked for his siblings to call him at the number he had given me earlier. He also asked us to try to make it to another one of his games, which are all over an hour away. We’ll see what we can do about getting to another game because I know it’s important to him that he have someone there cheering him on and playing sports is a much better option than running the streets.

I spoke with my therapist about how I struggle to know what to do regarding my lack of maternal feelings for Primero in relation to discerning my place within his family constructs. I expressed how I don’t feel like his mom because he doesn’t seem to view me as his mom, harking back to the painful episode in the spring. I told her since then I’ve had to wall-off my maternal feelings because the crushing blow was too painful for me to remain so openly vulnerable. She suggested I mention this to Primero’s therapist as something they could work on when he is in therapy, but I don’t really want to go digging in that can of worms again. My therapist thinks I’ve done all I can do to forge a maternal bond with Primero and that it is now up to him to work on whatever it is that holds him back from embracing it. Honestly, the whole thing makes me sick to the stomach. And I expressed to her how I worry that Primero will end up like my alien brother who has no relationship with his family for reasons only he seems to understand. I don’t want to go through the pain that my parents have, sitting with unopened presents under the tree for Christmas after Christmas, longing for their wayward son to drop by for a hug and a cup of coffee. For years my parents held out hope that he would show up, even briefly, but he never did. The last family event he attended was Easter 2014 because that was right after my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I just don’t want that, not after so desperately trying to become a mother after all the pain of infertility. My therapist said we have a lifetime to work on our bond, but I don’t see it that way. I said that now is the time to develop this bond because as Primero gets older it is only natural for him to pull away and become independent to move from adolescence to adulthood and that natural tendency to pull away will only make bonding more difficult. And once he’s an adult the whole dynamic will change, as it must, and if I’m not his mom I worry I will just become that person that he used to know. My therapist assures me I’m doing my best but I just don’t feel like it’s good enough.

Birthday Girl

It’s my birthday today. We don’t have anything planned to celebrate, but I dressed up in a dress and heels for work because I always dress fancy for my birthday. I guess that’s weird, but it’s my little way of celebrating me. It’s kind of a yucky day outside with rain and clouds that are supposed to stick around through the weekend. Tomorrow night Primero, Esperanza and I are supposed to Herman’s football game because he’ll be playing a local team that’s just down the street from us. We won’t go if it’s pouring rain. Plus, it got cold, much colder than it’s been the whole month of September. If it does rain and they still have the game we might try to go over to see their brother, but we won’t stay for the game. We’ll probably see a movie instead, since we’ll be child-free for the night.

Love Bug’s therapist and case worker were over Tuesday night. They changed his goal, since he accomplished the first one, which is to walk on his own for several feet. We now need to work on his fine motor skills, like pointing, and his verbal skills since they seemed to have plateaued at the moment. I’m also trying to break his bottle habit, since he doesn’t really like to use the sippy cup. He is especially adverse to the sippy cup when drinking milk – that must only come in a bottle. He still nurses to sleep but (and I don’t even want to say this for fear I will jinx us) he has slept through the night for 4 nights in a row this week!!! That is huge because up until now the longest stretch is 3 nights. And he’s 15 months old so that is a lot of loss of sleep! I’m hoping he won’t slip back into his two times a night habit because I’m really liking sleeping through the night. I kind of forgot how great it is to fall asleep and not wake up until the alarm goes off….

Chica Marie has had some issues lately. I find she is the toughest kid out of them all. I don’t know if her behaviors are from being back in her previous foster home (she was there for daycare until I moved them about 3 weeks ago) and so that somehow triggered her memories of things from the past or what the deal is, but it’s been tough with her lately. She is very moody, she’s been acting out sexually (something that had been reported at the previous home but never anything that was seen in our home) and she’s been acting rude and unkind to everyone, especially her peers. I don’t know if her therapy is doing her any good, I feel like it’s more frustrating than helpful and I’m sort of at my wits end with her right now. I waffle between wanting her to be in respite for an extended period of time to thinking maybe we need another day just her and I (although she didn’t really seem to understand it the previous time we went out alone). She feeds off of attention and always wants more no matter how much she gets. I think we just need to work through some attachment type therapy together, but I don’t know if the Theraplay we’re doing is helping in that realm. Maybe we just need more time at it…..