Football in the Rain

Friday night it was cold and with sprinkles of rain coming and going. But, despite the undesirable weather, Primero, Esperanza and I went to see Hermano’s football game. We were there for the second half, since we went to eat first after dropping the little ones off in their respite home. I was wearing my winter coat and Esperanza had a blanket wrapped around her as we stood on the sidelines watching the game. There were no points on the board when we got there and it was soon evident that the teams were pretty well matched. The team Hermano plays for had a rowdy crowd and a really good marching band (but not-so-great cheerleaders). We saw Hermano on the sidelines and he would wave and dance for us from time to time. Esperanza asked him if we would see him play and he indicated he was on suspension. We later found out he had skipped practice, so he would not be allowed to play. The game got interesting as Hermano’s team scored a touchdown and field goal. The other team quickly scored a touchdown but missed the field goal. There were seconds on the clock and Hermano’s team was up by one point, so rather than try to fight the last few yards to another touchdown, they took a knee and won the game. Hermano ran past us, as the rain started to get heavier and said he would change and be back out, asking us to wait by the buses. We found shelter under the roof of the school and soon he came running back out and leapt on Esperanza, nearly tackling her with a ferocious bear hug. He did the same to Primero and then dove on me. He was so hyper and excited from winning the game and then seeing his siblings, the sheer joy on his face was radiating to all around him. We talked for a few minutes before he was summoned to the buses to drive the hour plus back to the facility. Before leaving, he begged us to come visit him at the facility and asked for his siblings to call him at the number he had given me earlier. He also asked us to try to make it to another one of his games, which are all over an hour away. We’ll see what we can do about getting to another game because I know it’s important to him that he have someone there cheering him on and playing sports is a much better option than running the streets.

I spoke with my therapist about how I struggle to know what to do regarding my lack of maternal feelings for Primero in relation to discerning my place within his family constructs. I expressed how I don’t feel like his mom because he doesn’t seem to view me as his mom, harking back to the painful episode in the spring. I told her since then I’ve had to wall-off my maternal feelings because the crushing blow was too painful for me to remain so openly vulnerable. She suggested I mention this to Primero’s therapist as something they could work on when he is in therapy, but I don’t really want to go digging in that can of worms again. My therapist thinks I’ve done all I can do to forge a maternal bond with Primero and that it is now up to him to work on whatever it is that holds him back from embracing it. Honestly, the whole thing makes me sick to the stomach. And I expressed to her how I worry that Primero will end up like my alien brother who has no relationship with his family for reasons only he seems to understand. I don’t want to go through the pain that my parents have, sitting with unopened presents under the tree for Christmas after Christmas, longing for their wayward son to drop by for a hug and a cup of coffee. For years my parents held out hope that he would show up, even briefly, but he never did. The last family event he attended was Easter 2014 because that was right after my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I just don’t want that, not after so desperately trying to become a mother after all the pain of infertility. My therapist said we have a lifetime to work on our bond, but I don’t see it that way. I said that now is the time to develop this bond because as Primero gets older it is only natural for him to pull away and become independent to move from adolescence to adulthood and that natural tendency to pull away will only make bonding more difficult. And once he’s an adult the whole dynamic will change, as it must, and if I’m not his mom I worry I will just become that person that he used to know. My therapist assures me I’m doing my best but I just don’t feel like it’s good enough.