It seems like every time I begin to get comfortable with
things as they are, I start to sabotage it with feelings of doubt and anxiety.
For the longest time I didn’t even consider the possibility that Love Bug and
Chica Marie could go home. I think the last time was in December/January (here)
and those feelings were short-lived. Nothing has been said about their case and
we don’t have court again until December, but I know the county worker has been
seeing more of bio mom and it just makes me worry. I know, I know, I should be
happy that the family might be preserved, but it’s hard to believe things could
change so drastically that the children will be cared for appropriately, especially
after being in care for so long. Chica Marie talks about her “other” mommy on
occasion, mostly recalling memories from the past, but she hasn’t asked to see
her or made mention of missing her. This in and of itself worries me sometimes
(what kid doesn’t miss their mommy?) but I let her lead – if she wants to talk
about it, we talk about it, if she doesn’t we don’t. But, Chica Marie has
memories, she knows her mother and while the transition might be hard on her,
she might be able to handle it better than the baby. Love Bug is crazy attached
to me. One night in respite and he couldn’t sleep unless he was bear-hugged to
my chest for several days afterwards. Not only is he not connected to his
mother but he seems afraid of her. He used to howl during visits and only calm
down if the case worker held him or when I got there to hold him. I don’t think
he would transition very well, I think it would be very hard on him and I could
see him despondent for quite some time. I fear he would stop progressing with
his therapy and not reach his full potential. I could be wrong, I could just be
projecting my own feelings onto him, I don’t know. But, whenever the thought
enters my mind of the potential of the kids going home, my heart freezes and my
insides congeal, I stop breathing and panic starts coursing through my veins.
After such a long time and such a bond and attachment growing, I don’t think I
could easily get over these two going home.
The county case worker sent me an email earlier this week
asking if Hermano mentioned anything to me or Primero about getting a girl
pregnant while on the run over the summer. I told her what I know, which is
when he first came into care a year ago his former girlfriend claimed to be
pregnant but was quickly discovered to be lying. Then, over Christmas he
proposed to a very pregnant girl but things ended after she had the baby and
the baby daddy reappeared (and she is apparently pregnant again!). He’s been
dating the same blonde girl from where he was placed in care before coming back
to town and she has not made mention of expecting. I did say, unfortunately,
Hermano is not known to be faithful, so it would be entirely possible, although
Esperanza doesn’t think it would be. I don’t know why she asked this question,
but there must be a reason. I certainly hope there isn’t a girl out there
having Hermano’s baby because he does not need that right now. That kid needs a
long time to get his head on straight and grow up – a baby should be the last
thing on his agenda. But, I know he had posted something on Facebook once about
trying to have a baby with his girlfriend at the time, so I would really not be
surprised. I find it so sad that teen pregnancy is seen as no big deal in this
city. I admonish both Primero and Esperanza about protecting themselves against
pregnancy and STDs because such a vast majority of kids in this city have one
or both. I have so little hope in this next generation and my goal is try to
raise these kids to be exceptions to the pathetic statistics (although Primero
is still dating one….).
Esperanza has started dating Primero’s girlfriend’s best
friend. All four of them wanted to go to homecoming, but found out the school
doesn’t allow students from other schools to attend. I know it’s mean, but I
was happy for that decision. I don’t trust Primero’s girlfriend one bit and I
so worried that this one year anniversary will result in sexual activity and a
second baby. I’m sure it is pure paranoia, but I cannot shake it. The
girlfriend had pressured Primero about sex in the past, so I’m sure she would
pressure him again and use the longevity of their “relationship” to prove it a
worthy endeavor. And, despite my instance of using protection, I will have no
way of guaranteeing that will happen. I don’t know how parents of teenagers
cope! If you aren’t worried about the kids academic progress, peer pressure to
do drugs or smoke, then you worry about pregnancy and STD’s!! Yes, we talk
about these things and I never shy away from answering questions, voicing my
opinion, and offering suggestions on how to avoid unhealthy things. But, still
I worry. Primero was irritated with me when I mentioned I wasn’t comfortable
with him attending homecoming with his girlfriend. “It’s not like we’re gonna
go at it in the middle of the dance floor!” he protested. Ah, but he forgets
that I was once a teenager and I know where there is a will, there is a way.
Now, they want to see a movie together instead. He’s done that in the past and
I’ve allowed it as long as there are other kids along, which there will be. I
just never feel great about it.
Primero will be 16 in a few weeks. I’m planning on throwing
him a surprise party and I don’t really want to invite the girlfriend. I feel
obligated to invite her but I really, really hope she won’t come. I just don’t
like this girl and I want more than anything for them to be over and for
Primero to find a nice girl, one without a baby and the issues that this one
has. Esperanza jumped ship and while she didn’t like the girl at first, she
seems to be buddies with her now. Bleck. I made 16 the magic number for Primero
to being allowed to solo date and I’m sure he hasn’t forgotten about it. I
would probably be nervous no matter who the girl was, but I certainly wouldn’t
be as worried if it was someone other than this girl. I’m hoping he will
dislike the idea of being driven to a date in our minivan or that the girl’s
parents won’t let them solo date. I really could not handle being a
grandmother, let alone having that girl be the mother.
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