Accidents and Threats

Last Friday things went from bad to worse. Things with Esperanza really went haywire to the point she was threatening me. Sadly, Primero, while claiming to not take sides, acted out cruelly as well, damaging our relationship. The dysfunction of their childhood and their family system came out in full force and I took the brunt of their distain. Esperanza lashed out and sadly, Primero reacted poorly as well. The only kernel of positivity was that it united me and their Aunt W and Uncle G. I reached out to the aunt and uncle because I worried Primero was selling them a load of bull about me and what was happening in our home. I was correct. He told them I told him I didn’t want him anymore and he should go live with his uncle. What I really said, in hopes of sparking a conversation with him since all he was saying was “I’m not gonna answer that question” was “Do you think you would be happier living with your uncle?” This was during the course of a one-sided conversation related to the threat made by Esperanza. Primero was like I had never seen him before. He wasn’t just defiant and rude, he was cold and cruel too. While I tried to talk to him, the only thing he conceded was that I was being vengeful because I (unknowingly) outted Esperanza and her friend in a lie. It is so hurtful to think that to Primero I am still not family. And it’s even more painful to realize that he would drop me like old news, no matter how wrong his biological family member might be. It makes me fear that he won’t ever be able to fully accept me as his family, not ever. But, I do have the support of his aunt and uncle. I had a rather lengthy conversation with his aunt on Friday and she let me know that both her and her husband (who is Primero’s mother’s older brother) support me 100%. They recognize how different Primero is, how much he has changed for the better, and they credit me with that improvement ( really, it was Primero who did all the work, I just supplied the stability and unconditional love to allow him this growth). We talked about Esperanza and how sad it is to see her making poor choices and seemingly following in the footsteps of her mother. Both his aunt and his uncle spoke with Primero about some of these things and I am grateful for their help. I am also grateful for their support and acknowledgement of my relationship with their nephew. I am beginning to feel more like a member of their family than I ever have before. This is how open adoption is intended to work, I think. To collaborate and come together in the best interest of the children. It’s taken a crisis for us to get on this same page but I think we are all glad we are here now. I do worry that Primero is trying to ostracize me by spending a lot more time with his uncle than ever before, but I hope eventually he will emotionally return. I have to remind myself about 1,000 times a day these kids are kids who have experienced life-altering trauma and therefore I must adjust my expectations to a different level, not one I’m accustomed to. I had a nice long talk with Mr J’s girlfriend over the weekend and I was glad she was willing to hear my side of the story. A part of me worried that the way things happened with Esperanza might have alienated me from the rest of the family. I’m glad I was wrong about that. In speaking with Mr J’s girlfriend I learned a few things about her and offered some solutions to the problems she is having. I hope she will take me up on the offer because it will improve things for her.

 

Friday morning, as I was reeling from the threats and accusations from Esperanza, I got a text from my dad, “Hey your mom just broke her leg.” I thought perhaps it was a typo or something. I had text my mom the night before asking her to go with me to Primero’s performance on Saturday so I thought maybe he was responding for her in some way. I called him. He answered but couldn’t talk because the ambulance was there to take my mom to the hospital. Good Lord! He promised to call me later to let me know what was going on. I had visions of a catastrophic compound femur fracture or some other gruesome break. I had no idea how she could have fallen, there was no ice around to fall on. When I finally spoke to him, my fears were slightly alleviated. She did not break her femur and there was no compound fracture, but that is where the good news ended. She fell part way down the steps in their house and managed to pull her ankle joint apart and break the bone on both sides of it. She had to slide the rest of the way down the stairs and crawl to the kitchen, pull herself up on a chair to reach the land line to call my dad. Being the nice guy that he is, he takes her purse to the car and starts it for her during the chilly winter months so she gets into a nice warm car. She keeps her cell phone in her purse, so it’s lucky they still have a land line she could use to reach someone. She had surgery Friday afternoon to repair the damage by putting in a plate and screws. Today they are deciding if she can go home or if she should go to rehab. Everyone except my mom is hoping she goes to rehab to help her learn how to get around without putting any weight on her left foot for the next 6 weeks. She is still in a great deal of pain but the pain meds make her feel sick. I went to see her on Saturday and she was gray from having O.T. I took her chapstick, which she said she needed. With the little ones I couldn’t visit for long, but it was still good to see her. I have to work on getting some pre-made meals in her freezer for her when she does come home. I also want to clean so she doesn’t have to. With the stress going on in my life it will make it hard but there isn’t anyone else. My sister lives too far away and my brother is an alien jerk who won’t do anything to help anyone. So, it falls to me. I just hope I’m able to keep up with all of this……

Back-log Post

*** I wrote this post last Tuesday (2/23/16) ***

Friday we had a planning meeting for the little ones. It was supposed to be with me, the CHOR case worker and the county case worker. Planning meetings are really just a sharing of information and updates on the case and follow up on any unfinished business. I was hoping to get some insight on the status of the case from the county case worker and gage where things were at with Mini Momma because I wanted to take her along with us to the Pet Expo over the weekend. Things started going awry long before the meeting was scheduled to start. The original plan was for me to leave work and meet the case workers at my house then pick up the little ones from daycare to have a regular case visit with the CHOR case worker after we finished. I had a training at work Friday morning that lasted until just before lunchtime. When I got back to my desk after the training there were messages from the daycare asking me to pick up Chica Marie because she was not feeling well and running a fever of 102. So, instead of a quiet house for the meeting we had chaos. Chica Marie and Love Bug napped for a bit, but were wide awake during the meeting. So there were constant interruptions as I attempted to get them interested in toys or a TV show so we could talk. The CHOR case worker brought along a new case worker so they were splitting the interrogation duties. The county case worker never showed up, so the status of the case is still unknown. I did get a text from the kids’ grandmother later in the evening. She indicated she had Mini Momma for their first weekend visit – finally! We chatted a bit after I congratulated her and I mentioned hoping to get the kids together as soon as Mini Momma got settled (I’m not sure how long the transition will take, but the grandmother indicated she didn’t believe it would be terribly long). At least one question was answered! So, in my opinion, the planning meeting was a bust. I did email the county case worker with the questions, but haven’t heard anything back.

 

We did go to the Pet Expo on Saturday. We took Esperanza along with us, which was nice. It was out first excursion since the big blow out the beginning of the month. Today we were supposed to have a meeting at her school, but she told me on Saturday she wasn’t going to school today because she needed to take references to her new potential employer. And this takes all day? Whatever. She has missed a lot of school this month. So much that it worries me she might not be able to graduate. Legally, there aren’t any issues, thank goodness, because I’m sure she would be looking at unlawful absences at this point. The school social worker is going to try to reschedule the meeting, but as time drags on it seems less and less important. Like, why bother? We shall see if the meeting ever pans out. It’s not like I don’t have enough to worry about with the other kids.

 

In the afternoon at daycare Chica Marie is sent upstairs to be with the older school-aged kids. She responds much better to the older kids and doesn’t present a problem like she does with her peers. Until yesterday that is. When I went to pick her up yesterday the teacher told me she was told to sit down because she was playing with another girl until the other girl started crying. When she was asked what was wrong she said Chica Marie bit her. I was so angry and disappointed. I feel like nothing can be done with this child. These exceptions are made for her and rather than cooperating and changing her behavior, she sabotages the whole arrangement and acts out. I don’t know what can be done but it seems the harder we all try, the worse her behaviors become. It’s sickening and frustrating and I’m beginning to feel hopeless. I question every single thing I do with this kid, I second guess myself, and then berate myself for not doing better, for not teaching her better. I pull away from her because I just can’t seem to get through to her and her behaviors drive the wedge between us even deeper. She’s a child but wise beyond her years and not in a good way. She’s cunning and can easily read people, find their buttons and push until they explode. Her latest with me is telling me she doesn’t want to stay in our home, she wants her other mommy (bio mom). She accuses me of not caring for her the way her other mommy does. She talks back, she is rude and defiant and generally refuses to cooperate. I can remind her to behave at school and she can describe what that looks like, how to do it, what to do when she gets mad but she won’t do it. Often times she doesn’t even express remorse for the pain she may have caused, rather trying to make herself the victim for getting in trouble. I wish we could wipe the slate clean and have a do-over rather than this buildup of frustrations and poor behaviors. I’ve never felt so angry at a child as I have with Chica Marie. I don’t know how to get over this hurdle. I don’t know how to connect in a way that is less tenuous. Juxtaposition to her behaviors of lashing out and acting cruelly, Chica Marie often times laments the affectionate treatment I give to her brother. Why don’t you call me cute like you do Love Bug? Why don’t you call me your baby like you do Love Bug? Why don’t you fuss over me like you do Love Bug? The bonding with Love Bug is infinitely more simple than it is with Chica Marie simply because he came as a tiny newborn and has grown up in my arms. Chica Marie came as a prickly three year old with behaviors her previous home could not contend with any longer. Her bouts of lying have broken trust and make her words ring hallow, even when they are proven to be true. Her stealing has caused worry and embarrassment and fear for the future where being a cute five year old won’t bail her out of trouble. Her physical aggressions make picking her up at daycare a dreaded daily affair. And yet, she is only a small child! She is smart, she is creative and she can be loving (although, sadly I’m beginning to wonder if that isn’t part of her manipulation). She cares very much for Primero and would gladly follow him around like the Pied Piper if he would give her the chance. I want to see Chica Marie lead a happy life, but it seems so impossible right now and I feel so ill-equipped to make it happen. She has qualified for more assistance through the county intermediate unit and we will have a meeting to discuss exactly what services she will be receiving. This is to help prepare her for school in the fall. My question regarding their case and what direction it is headed is partially curiosity but also because the therapist and I need to continue a conversation with Chica Marie regarding adoption and what that means to her permanently. Chica Marie didn’t seem to grasp the idea of adoption when we talked about Primero’s adoption. In past conversations with her she seemed to believe she would eventually be moving back in with her mother, so it’s something she will need help to understand, if that is the direction their case is headed. Mostly, I’ve been reticent in talking about adoption with her simply because nothing seems concrete in their case.

Free Weekend

I finally had a weekend without the little kids. Primero was still home, but I did manage to get out on my own for a chocolate and wine tasting with my friend from work. And I got to spend some time with Primero as we did in the “old” days before everyone else moved in. Yesterday was going to be my last precious few moments alone, as the little one’s went to daycare and Primero went to school but I had the day off of work (President’s Day – the only perk to having a state government job). He ended up getting out of school early for the impending snow/ice storm (which didn’t start until much later in the day anyway) and I had to leave early to go to a registration for some special camp for Chica Marie, which was cancelled because the office closed due to the inclement weather. Sigh. Still, I had a few hours alone in the morning and managed to catch up on Downton Abbey while doing laundry. I also worked out yesterday morning and in the evening. I’m hoping to do that again today just because this is my second month of working out and eating healthier and I don’t look or feel any different. I want to see progress! Who cares if these things are supposed to take time, I want to see that getting up earlier and shoving green stuff in my face every day is making me healthier and slimmer. Instead, I’m feeling like poo this afternoon. I might be getting a cold. Blah.

 

I am feeling a little more refreshed from my weekend, but there is still so much clouding my days it would probably take a year’s worth of weekends to truly work off all the stress. Things with Esperanza are still muddled and up-in-the-air. The brokenness of these kids sometimes threatens to break me. I have a meeting schedule at her school but I’m not sure if she will go or decide to skip school that day. She’s been missing a lot of school lately. It’s just par for the course as her decision-making has been far less than healthy for several weeks now. I keep praying for improvements but thus far, I’m not seeing any.

 

Primero and I did manage to speak a little about his girlfriend over the weekend. He professed to not knowing what to do and not really wanting to break up because it was just another loss in his life (he admitted his sister’s latest stunt registers as a loss to him too). But, he also didn’t want to be with her knowing she might still have feelings for the father of her child and that she let him touch her intimately. Yesterday when I dropped him off at the CFA (after school program) he said he didn’t really want to talk to her. Texting was fine, but he didn’t want to talk to her face-to-face. When he got home last night he was very agitated and eventually told me he got back together with his girlfriend but really didn’t want to. His “friends” forced him to talk to her and that lead to them getting back together. I said if he didn’t want to be with her, he shouldn’t because in the long run that will hurt her more. He didn’t want to talk to me about it, stating he would call his sister later. Sigh. I hate this age where parents get pushed out of the loop for the wisdom of other teenagers. I know it’s natural and developmentally where he should be, but I just don’t trust the judgment of his friends. Primero did mention to me he was contemplating dating a boy this time, but felt he wasn’t ready for that. I think, perhaps he was beginning to like the idea of being free to flirt with and connect with whomever he met. But, instead, he is now back with his girlfriend and unhappily committed to working things out in their relationship. When I was speaking to him on Saturday he brought up a movie he watched (I saw part of it) where a husband took his wife back after she was addicted to sex and was with other men. I said the difference for him was that he’s not married to his girlfriend. And when I asked if he would feel the same way about her knowing another man (boy) touched her body, he got upset and changed the subject. So, we will see how long this lasts with his girlfriend. I’m honestly hoping not much longer…….

Time to Reconnect

Yesterday morning I had a meeting at the daycare with Chica Marie’s mobile therapist and the daycare owner. We were trying to brainstorm how to help Chica Marie since she is struggling so much at daycare and lashing out both towards her teachers and her friends. The daycare is not looking to have her leave but they are as frustrated as I am with how she behaves. We didn’t really come up with any concrete solutions because Chica Marie is really not into working towards rewards (she shows little interest) and she’s fairly impervious to consequences, so she’s definitely a tough nut to crack. The only thing we managed to put into place is to have her therapist go to the daycare the same day and time each week to help work with Chica Marie one-on-one. The therapist stayed after I left yesterday and last night she reported that the class Chica Marie is in is rather chaotic and was (at least yesterday, if not all days) very unstructured. For a child like Chica Marie, who needs and craves and can really only survive with structure, this is problematic. I sensed that the therapist almost wanted to recommend finding a new, more structured daycare. I really don’t want to have to go that route, but if it means Chica Marie can be more successful I might have to do it. The therapist did say yesterday seemed to be an off day because of the two hour delay putting the school age kids at daycare longer than normal. Sadly, the end result of yesterday was Chica Marie smacking another girl in the head with a bucket causing a large red welt for which she showed no remorse. Not great.

 

Last night, as I was wishing my father a happy birthday, I overheard Primero telling Esperanza over the phone about an issue going on with someone at the after school program. I asked him what was going on after we both finished our conversations and he said he didn’t want to tell me. Eventually, I got from him that his girlfriend had cheated on him (again) with her ex-boyfriend and the father of her child. Primero said he didn’t want to tell me because he didn’t want my opinion on the matter. Wanting to be there for him, I kept my opinion about his girlfriend to myself and tried to just listen as he read aloud the text he was composing to send to her ex. Primero blames a great deal of the issue on the ex because he comes around too often (with the premise that he’s there to see his daughter) and has tried stuff in the past. I feel fairly certain that the girlfriend and this boy have done more than they are letting on and that the girlfriend only brings it up because A) other people know about it and B) she craves the attention and the drama. When Primero brought it up again this morning he said he didn’t have plans to break-up with her because she forgave him twice (once for sending compromising pictures to another boy and once for kissing a friend on a dare). I asked where that would end, if they would keep going tit for tat that way indefinitely. He didn’t answer. The last time the girlfriend cheated, it was a kiss she insisted she wanted nothing to do with and was in fact, forced upon her (because you know, you can’t just turn your head when someone tries to kiss you….). This time there was more interaction that just a kiss and I suspect, more happened than even Primero knows about. And apparently this all happened at a baby shower. Nice! Primero said he has plans to talk to his girlfriend face-to-face today.

 

I hate how Primero seems to act like a doormat, letting this girl walk all over him. I’m glad he can be forgiving, but I sense that this “relationship” really isn’t about puppy love or a desire to be in a loving relationship. I worry that this is a relationship of convenience for Primero, meaning he’s using the girlfriend as a cover to keep up his bi-sexual appearance and not get into a gay relationship with another boy. For as long as I have known Primero he has shown a greater interest in boys than in girls, even though he’s only dated girls. Initially, he insisted he was straight and it was slowly, over time, that he revealed he was bi-sexual. To this day he insists he won’t “do” anything with a boy (beyond kissing and touching) and refuses the label “gay” while embracing his bi-sexual status with gusto. I only want him to be happy and to have a happy future. I worry that if he continues to feel this need to put up a façade and date girls while secretly desiring guys, he will only end up hurting himself and those who get caught up in this web. Of course, I can’t figure this out for him, he needs to figure it out for himself. I hope he will keep letting me in and I will try to keep my opinions to a minimum. But really, this is what mom’s do – they worry about their children and don’t want to see them being hurt.

 

I’m glad we will have time together this weekend because I think we really need it to reconnect. I feel like it’s been a long time (and it probably has been a very long time) since Primero and I did anything alone. I miss that and I’m hoping to implement some type of schedule where Primero and Chica Marie (and maybe even Esperanza if things improve) can each get time alone with me once a month or every 6 weeks or so. I will allow Primero to choose the event or what he might like to do and I will try to allow Chica Marie the same, but perhaps with some guidance. I’ve also thought about including her sister on some of our outings. The mobile therapist really encouraged me to get more alone time with Chica Marie so I know I need to make an effort. It will be easier once the weather is nice again because we could do simple things like go for a bike ride or go to a park. I did take Chica Marie on a girls day to the museum around this time last year but I don’t think she really understood what was happening and she kept asking about the boys and why they weren’t along with us. Maybe, now that she’s a little older, she will enjoy alone time with me a little more. I guess we shall see!

Tit for Tat

Today it’s my fault. Last week it was Esperanza’s fault, but yesterday and today it’s all me. Chica Marie was acting out in daycare last week and got written up on Thursday. Honestly, it wasn’t unexpected. The drama and stress from the big kids was palpable in the house, so I’m sure she felt that and it worried her. So, she acted out. But, yesterday I was short-tempered and so she reacted negatively and it has flowed into issues at daycare again today. Saturday I went to my aunt’s birthday party and there were two little kids there almost the exact same age as Chica Marie and Love Bug (the girl will be 5 next month and the baby is 17 months). Twinsies! Only, not. These kids were calm (by kids standards) and listened to their parents. They did not act as if they were trying to pull the house down upon them and all the other occupants. That is how my two act. I’m sure I was just seeing these kids on their best behaviors and certainly there was a comfort level, since they were in their grandparents home, but for some reason it made me feel like I was doing a terrible job parenting my little ones. Of course, this irrational thinking seemed totally “normal” to me and being coupled with a flat tire on the way home, I was beat. The stress of the week had finally gotten to me, which lead to me waking up on the wrong side of the bed Sunday morning. I was short with the little ones and had no patience for anything they did. Sadly, this resulted in a lot of unproductive yelling. And so Chica Marie retaliated in her way with belligerence, defiance, stealing candy at the grocery store and just generally being disagreeable. This is still how she is behaving today and thus the morning phone call from the daycare. They too are feeling the frustration with Chica Marie. The owner asked to have a meeting with myself and her mobile therapist so we can work on some kind of game plan. I’m beginning to feel hopeless that anything will help alleviate these behaviors, but I have to keep trying for her sake. When she’s good she is the most caring and adorable child. Sadly, this is not how she is generally remembered, but it’s good to know she has it in her.

 

The teenage saga drags on into its second week but I now really need to bow out of it. I had been keeping an ear to the ground, trying to be as open as possible to fixing the situation, but now I need to just walk away. I can’t keep hanging on when it is clearly affecting Chica Marie and our relationship. I need to refocus and get my head back in the game. I guess I never knew how dependent Chica Marie’s behaviors were on my own moods. I need to pay closer attention and be sure I keep the stress in check so I can behave appropriately. Easier said than done!

 

I finally spoke with my mom regarding the whole situation and her solution was to strip the household down to just me and Primero. She thinks I don’t have a life outside “these kids” (which I’m sure could have been said about her when she was a stay at home mom alone on the farm) and that I’m doing too much and can’t “handle all these kids.” This is what I get for admitting it’s hard to do it on my own. Not an offer to step in and give me a breather, but admonishment that I shouldn’t be doing it at all. I used to think I had a pretty good network, but when I really need people they all seem to dry up. I guess that isn’t fair because they do all have lives themselves and maybe I’m too good at being strong and so they don’t realize just how deep the shit is that I’m in. They assume if it looks like I can handle it, then I can. But, I’m feeling pretty depleted and need some time to recharge. Anyone wanna bring over a casserole and bottle of wine? No? Ok, then I guess I will just soldier on alone.

Drama Momma

Wednesday night I was a momma in some serious drama. Things from this past weekend were still not settled and in fact went totally off the track Wednesday night. Primero ran away. I thought he was running with his sister and their friend (who is also 18) but I found out via Facebook that he was not with them. Because his sister feared police involvement she decided to let her 16 year old brother roam the streets at night alone. She had no idea where he was going or what he would do when she made the decision to not let him come along with them. And, because she was mad at me, she didn’t even have the decency to text me and let me know he was off alone. I text Primero (he wouldn’t answer my call) that he had until 10 to come home because I thought he was with his sister at their friend’s house. He was not. He refuses to tell anyone where he went, but said he was safe at a friend’s house. He didn’t come home by 10 so I did call the police. And I tried frantically trying to find out where he was. Sadly, I only started doing that when I realized he wasn’t where I assumed he was at, which was two hours after he left. I cannot describe the feeling of utter dread that washed over my body when I came to the realization that my son was somewhere, professing to be “safe” but no one knew where he was. I’m not gonna lie, I totally lost my mind. I was talking to his former CHOR case worker (because, like I said I was contacting EVERYONE to reach out to him) and couldn’t even breathe I was sobbing so hard. The police officer who came to my house was young, maybe my age but I suspect he was younger. He was nice and matter-of-fact. I think he handled the situation well, but at one point he indicated that the police have a lot on their plate (duh) and there had been a stabbing in the city not far from here. Let me tell you, this was the closest I have ever come to a full-on panic attack. Had it been the 1800’s I might have swooned. I needed my son home that very minute! Luckily, he talked to his case worker. Not at first, but eventually he began to calm down and speak to her. His aunt contacted me via Facebook after I asked if Primero went to their house (he could conceivably walk there, they don’t live that far) and then she called his oldest brother Mr. J. Poor Mr. J was totally out of it, he was fast asleep because he had to be up early for work. He called me and said he spoke with Primero and that he was fine and at a friend’s house. I said that wasn’t good enough and the cop took my phone to talk to Mr. J. The cop explained that I was filing a missing person’s report for Primero. He said there was a limited time frame where he could delay initiating the report in the database, but once he did that the cops would need to physically see Primero in my custody before they could stop searching for him. And, if Primero did this as a habit, they could put him in a juvenile facility (where Primero landed right before he came into care – although he was there in the shelter, not the side for wayward teens). Of course, this was the angle Mr. J played up to Primero to force him home. Primero agreed to meet his brother at a gas station and to come home. But, he refused to talk to me. He text me that he hated me. Well, you really aren’t parenting a teenager if you don’t get told at least once that you are hated. Like I said, I would give anything to have him back home, so when he marched into the house in full defiance mode, not even glancing at me, I said not one word to him. I thanked his brother and went to my bedroom. Primero took a very long shower (to annoy me I suspect) and went to his room. All I wanted to do was hug him, but I refrained and satisfied myself with watching his defiant back disappear downstairs to his room.

 

Primero and I managed to talk yesterday to work things out. He is worried about his sister, which I understand, but I told him he is my priority right now. Not to say I don’t care about Esperanza, but I need to make sure we are ok first. Things are improving with us. In many ways Primero is more mature than his older sister. He is certainly more reasonable. Maybe it’s just because Primero and I have had more time together to work out these kinks. Or maybe it’s because Primero knows deep down that whatever I do, even if I’m acting like a total bitch, I never stop loving him and caring about him. And I think, no matter how angry he gets, he trusts that. If nothing else, Primero trusts that I love him. With that at the core, I think he knows we can always reassemble our relationship if we need to and we can always figure things out because we always have. This is the first big fight Esperanza has had with me. And she doesn’t trust that I love and care for her. She thinks I’m against her. She thinks she is disposable to me because she has been to every other adult who claimed to care about her. The reason this blew up Wednesday night? Because I said I was beginning to understand her previous guardian’s side of things. I didn’t say I thought what that guardian did was right or that it meant Esperanza was undesirable in any way, just that she is not easy to resolve problems with. Teenagers who grew up in loving homes with two parents, plenty of food, no attachment issues, and living comfortably middle class are still drama-filled hooligans from time to time. Take my brother as an example. But, kids who grew up with trauma, instability, and dysfunction take drama to a whole new level. It is clear to every adult I speak with that Esperanza is not acting her age. It is clear she is acting more like a 14 year old than like an 18 year old. Unfortunately, that doesn’t matter to the law. Legally she is an adult, even if she is truly incapable of acting like one. And, sadly, she cannot see past her trauma to recognize when someone truly cares about her. She doesn’t trust me, she doesn’t trust my love or even believe I love her. She thinks it’s me against her or that I’m the one making a big deal out of things. I’ve spoken to her school social worker, who tried to set up a meeting with the two of us and she is obviously concerned with Esperanza’s academic future. But, agrees that perhaps Esperanza just needs to make some poor choices before she learns the hard way. In any event, I’m hoping this weekend will be a lot less dramatic.

Toothless

No one told me I had lost my right front tooth. I didn’t even realize it was gone until I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and stared in horror at the gaping hole between my remaining front tooth and the cusped to the right. I ran my tongue over my teeth and confirmed the tooth was indeed missing. My stomach started to burn as the realization hit home. I needed to find that tooth! Why didn’t the dentist say anything about this possibility? I was just there and given a clean bill of dental health! I searched around me and found my tooth then illogically popped it into my mouth for safe keeping until I could get to the dentist. I shuddered to think of the procedure necessary to fix this dental nightmare but it must be done. Primero and Esperanza began making fun of me in my condition, telling me I looked like a 2-bit crack whore and asking me to whistle. My cheeks burned with shame and I cancelled all social functions until I could see the dentist. Then, I felt my tooth dissolving in my mouth. I tried to spit it out, to stop the erosion, but I was too late. The tooth crumbled, broke in two and was lost.

 

I woke up to the baby crying. Before I picked him up I reached into my mouth. My teeth were fine. My stomach still ached, but the dream was not real. I dreamt of losing teeth once before and sat bolt upright in bed thinking I would be spitting my molars into my hands as I had been doing in my dream. It felt so realistic I was sobbing and couldn’t fall back asleep, waking Flaco to reassure me my teeth were fine. This dream was less realistic and certainly indicative of my predicament with Esperanza and Primero. A quick Google search revealed dreams about losing teeth tend to be fueled by anxiety or having trouble with making an undesirable decision or compromise. This seems pretty spot on for me at the moment. I can’t remember what was going on when I had the last tooth dream, if I was experiencing the same level of anxiety regarding a decision or compromise. I really hope I don’t have the same dream again tonight because it really creeps me out. I have a phobia of losing my teeth, probably because my grandparents were not the picture of dental hygiene and lost their teeth to devastating tooth decay. I hope the drama and stress from the Esperanza situation (I haven’t really relayed all the details because it’s just too exhausting for me to rehash it all here, but there’s a lot of disrespect going around with this situation) dies down very soon because I’m beginning to feel the physical toll from the emotional stress.

 

Yesterday Love Bug had a hearing test done. I think this poor boy has had every test done on a baby that one can have. He had his hips checked because of the position he was in when he was born (this was when he was only a few months old). When he was evaluated for early intervention (he is getting occupational therapy because he was delayed a bit with his gross motor skills – he’s catching up and now working on some fine motor skills) he fell asleep and was snoring, so it was suggested he be evaluated for problems with his tonsils and adenoids (they were fine). Probably due to the detox he was going through, but when he was very little I thought it looked like he might have a lazy eye. When we went to the eye doctor it turned out he might have astigmatism, so we are going back the end of this month for a reevaluation. He was observed by a speech therapist because he seemed to be progressing and then he stopped. She didn’t think he qualified at this time, but did recommend he get his hearing tested to make sure there wasn’t an issue with his ears (she also mentioned his teeth were being affected by his constant finger sucking, so the PCP asked for me to take him to the pediatric dentist – I still need to set up this appointment). So, we had his hearing tested yesterday. He was grumpy because he was a little sleepy and also because he wanted me to hold him with his head on my chest, not facing the speakers and window where the audiologist was sitting. He calmed down and cooperated. Then there were a few tests with little wires stuck in his ears and he was fussy again, but the audiologist managed to get the tests done and declared there were no issues with his hearing. So, Mr. Love Bug will just need to start speaking in his own time, when he feels like it. Which is pretty much how he’s done every milestone, on his own terms. There really was no coaxing him to sit up, he would refuse and push himself prostrate. When he was encouraged to crawl, he just laid down. He would be ok standing on my lap, but if I put him on the floor he would crumple to his knees. I tried holding both of his hands and wiggling him back and forth to take a step and he would just hang there. When he was ready, he sat up on his own like he always knew how. When no one was watching he started to push army crawl backwards and push up on his hands and knees. He stood on his own, pulling up on furniture. And he walked without holding my hand. So, I keep trying, I talk to him all the time and name things he points at, but thus far he has little interest in repeating me, he just watches my lips form words and make sounds. He does make noise and says a few words, mostly his bigger siblings nicknames, but he doesn’t seem interested in parroting what I say or creating one or two word sentences. I guess he will talk when he’s good and ready!

Getting off the Drama Train

We had a very drama-filled weekend. Esperanza had a fight with Primero over something she was told he said. Did you follow that? She was upset because a supposed “friend” told her that Primero said something to the effect “well, if she’s 18 then why did she have to come to us for help?” And this resulted in her storming off and refusing to talk to Primero or me. All because of a rumor. I tried to talk to her at the house before she ran off, but she wouldn’t discuss the issue with me. Later over text she told me that’s just how she is, she doesn’t talk about things and I can’t change her. Er, what? The whole drama simply showed how emotionally immature she is, despite her chronological age. As an adult, it is not acceptable that if I were to get upset over something I just run off. And, even worse than that, when she did come back she acted like nothing had happened. No. Not acceptable. I have plans to have a serious heart-to-heart with her because the whole thing is simply insane. My heart really broke for Primero because at one point Sunday afternoon he broke down in tears. He felt like he lost his sister and it hurt him more than words could say. Primero is not prone to tears. The only other time I saw him cry was after court with his mother last spring when it seemed like everything was going exceptionally well and Hermano would move back home very soon, while TPR was looming for Primero. That too broke my heart.

It’s strange how my word of the year, stay, popped into my head during this whole debacle. When I was trying to get Esperanza to see herself as a part of our family, the word stay flashed in my mind and it came back several times during the ensuing madness. We have gotten so used to Esperanza’s presence in our lives that it seems hard to imagine how things would be without her around. I know it would be exceptionally hard for Primero because he’s so happy to have a piece of his original family with him and thoroughly involved in his life. The trouble with the word stay is that it needs voluntary cooperation from the other party for it to work. This complicates things since everyone has their own free will and can make choices that jeopardize the act of staying. One might attempt to stay the hand of another, but ultimately, they will be unsuccessful if the other is not willing to participate. Oddly, this leads to another stay idiom, which is to stay the course, meaning keep on keeping no matter the obstacle. And I think both of those ideas were what was on my mind regarding Esperanza. No one has ever stayed the course with her. She even admits that herself. Whenever she had a blow up issue occur the result was she found herself out on her ear, tossed away with her problem to land on someone else’s doorstep. Why then shouldn’t her reaction to problems be to run away? So, I must stay the course and try to overcome the obstacle of her past to help her through it as well. It’s not an easy thing. Just like it isn’t easy helping Chica Marie through her issues. Fortunately, Primero and I click a little more and our personalities align a little better in terms of dealing with conflict than do mine and Esperanza’s. That doesn’t mean we can’t make it work, it just means there’s going to have to be a lot of give and take to reach mutual understanding.

 

I became a foster parent officially on 12/6/2011. Never did I envision myself where I am today four years ago. Some of that was naïveté – I assumed I would still be married and I assumed adoption would be hard at first and then get easier. I was wrong on both accounts. I was wrong in my assumptions about Flaco and his true desires for a family and his feelings towards me. I was also wrong to think adoption got easier. It doesn’t get easier, you just get better at it and more accustomed to the drama it can create in your life. You get better at putting on your big girl panties and dealing with it. I remember speaking to Primero’s therapist who likened adoption to marriage, in that two families became one. I saw this from Primero’s point of view, but I didn’t consider it from my own. Yet, I’m as much a part of Primero’s family as he is a part of mine. Our lives have become entwined to the point that I’m trying to help (and parent, as much as she will let me) his older sister, while worrying about his older brother (Hermano) and trying to stay in touch with his eldest brother (let’s name him Mr. J) and younger sisters (we are hoping to go to his younger sister’s game this week to watch her cheerlead). I’m known to all of them (although I’ve had much less interaction with his youngest sister because sadly her father doesn’t let her spend much time with her siblings) and even connected through social media. We spend holiday’s with his aunt and uncle and I’m getting to know some of his cousins. These are things that I had never considered, in fact it never entered my mind. In part, I think this is because I never had the intentions of adopting an older child who would have a greater connection to biological family, but also because I simply had no clue how this whole adoption thing worked. I think I’m still learning and I know I’m still growing into my role as adoptive/foster/acting mom. I wish I could say I “got this” and knew how to handle every situation I find myself in, but I don’t. I wish I could say I always remembered to check my expectations and preconceived notions about certain behaviors or developmental progress, but I can’t lie and say I haven’t been frustrated in dealing with certain things. And I don’t always hold my tongue when I should stay quiet or speak up at the right time so I don’t miss the boat. Nothing leaves me second-guessing myself like parenthood!