So, Saturday was supposed to be a day for Primero and I to reminisce
about our year together and celebrate our beautiful relationship. But, that’s
not how things happened. Primero had a presentation for his after school
program and he needed to be at the facility by 11 am. Since the program started
at 1, I decided to have a massage (the little ones were in respite) and then
come back for the program which lasted until 3. When we started talking about
our one year anniversary celebration Primero had all these great plans and
things he wanted us to do. He was excited and so was I. When we found out he
would be occupied with his after school program event, I was disappointed. It
ruined the day for me because I knew it meant taking him there early, going to
the show, waiting for him to extract himself from his friends, listening to him
rehash the show and by that time the day would be done. So, I was bummed. And
with all the other issues swirling in my head, I got a bad attitude about it. And
that didn’t help matters.
So, Saturday morning comes around and I make breakfast and
give Primero the card I wrote him, something heartfelt and meaningful to me. I
kind of suspected he had made me one of his lovely drawings, since he had just
made one to celebrate 5 months with his girlfriend and because he made me
something so beautiful for Mother’s Day last year. I was wrong. He didn’t even
give me a hug that morning. When I tried to reminisce with him, he changed the
subject to talk about his friends and show me their snapchat videos. I felt
like I was nothing. I felt like he didn’t care a wit about me or about being a
year in my home. I was crushed and spent my entire massage crying rather than
relaxing. I tried to put on a happy face but I’m terrible at hiding my
emotions. He asked me afterwards what was wrong and when I told him, he lost
it. He screamed at me and then stopped talking to me altogether. For hours. We
went to see the movie he wanted to see with my friend (she broke her ankle
slipping on the ice and I had agreed to take her to the bank and then ended up
taking her with us to the movies and dinner, since Primero was not talking to
me). We sat on the ground row since she couldn’t navigate the stairs and
Primero sat at the very top row. I was miserable, he was miserable, it was a
terrible day. When we got home that night he finally began talking to me and we’ve
patched things up a little more each day since.
Yesterday we had court. Now, for me, court with Primero has
simply been a show up, see the magistrate, move on with little change sort of
exercise. In other words, it’s been easy, his bio mom was not at any of the
previous hearings and things went smoothly and as expected. So, I had no
inclination that yesterday would be the emotional mess that it was.
Primero and I were the first to arrive at court yesterday
followed by a case worker supervisor from CHOR (our case worker was home with
the stomach flu). Primero had asked me if his mother was going to be there (she
had not been at the previous two court hearings we attended last year) and I
said she would have been invited. We discovered upon registering that Hermano
would also be there for court. Primero text bio mom to see if she was coming
and she told him she was with her parole officer on floor 7. He wanted to go
down and see her and I said we should wait for her to come up, which she did.
So, we were all standing around waiting until finally Hermano and his foster
mother and the case worker from the new agency showed up. Hermano gave me a big
bear hug and we talked briefly. His new foster mother walked past all of us
without even saying hello. Bio mom got a little miffed with her, stating she
didn’t like how “some of these foster parents act like they better than all of
us.” I guess in this instance, she had a point.
Not long after that we were ushered downstairs for court and
then finally into the court room. They began by talking about Hermano’s case
and there were glowing reports, bio mom was commended for doing all the things
she was asked to do and the only thing remaining was for her to find stable
housing. Hermano was also given kudos for the work he has been doing and told
to keep it up. Hermano is allowed to have unsupervised visits with his mom as
often as they like and the boys were granted visits together at least every
other week either with me or at an after school program, like where Primero
goes. There was a brief discussion as to why efforts were not made for the boys
to be placed together, since it was noted that Hermano is in his third foster
home. When this question was posed, there was a long pause, as it seems no one
(the GAL, the CYS attorney, the CYS case worker for Hermano) knew the answer.
Finally, the GAL mentioned that Primero was living with me at the time and that
I was not able to take in another placement (or that they wouldn’t let me take
in another placement due to having three currently). Still, the magistrate didn’t
seem to think this demonstrated that “all reasonable effort” was made, but she
moved on.
They then spoke about Primero’s case and it was noted that
TPR would be occurring in the coming weeks and that his case was moving along
for PLC/adoption. All during court Primero was rather jovial, I think just
enjoying the time spent with his mom and brother. After court Hermano was
confused and was asking his case worker about what happened during his case
review. So, once again it was said how great things are going how he seems to
be on track to go back home and how both he and bio mom just need to keep doing
what they are doing. Hermano and his foster mom and case worker left at this
point. Both county workers and the CHOR worker were talking and bio mom, Primero
and I had walked into the hallway. I had noticed Primero’s mood had changed as
the case was discussed with his brother and county case worker. He was pulling
away from the group and no longer interacting with his family. Unfortunately, I
was talking to his county case worker (about him having visits with bio mom
because she asked about it when we were waiting before court – the county
worker said it would be fine for me to facilitate the visits since they
wouldn’t be pursuing visits this close to TPR and it was agreed the visits
should be supervised) and not paying as close attention to Primero at the time.
So, as we stood in the hallway, he was facing the elevators
and bio mom asked me what was wrong with him because he would not talk to
anyone and refused to turn around. It was at that point I heard him sniffling
and saw his shoulders shaking. I instantly knew what was wrong because in my head
all during the case reviews I was thinking, “Wow, this is messed up! I wish
they weren’t talking about Hermano’s case and all its fabulousness in front of Primero!”
I knew he was thinking, “Why are things going differently for Hermano?” And
that is how he felt. He told me later in the car that he’s happy Hermano and bio
mom have been able to better themselves and that they are doing so well right
now, but he doesn’t understand why his mom is working so hard to get Hermano
back when it seemed like she didn’t do a thing to get him back. When I told bio
mom why I suspected Primero was upset she retorted, “ Well, he wanted to be
adopted.” And while that is true (most days), it doesn’t make hearing his
brother won’t have to travel that road any easier. It seemed like her guilt at
losing him was causing her to push the responsibility back on Primero – like it
was his fault he was being adopted and not related to anything she did or didn’t
do. It made me angry. She did tell him he won’t lose her, she isn’t going
anywhere and that she loves him. She then made him come over and hug me. My
heart broke for him.
We took bio mom home but he didn’t really speak to her while
she was in the car. Her and I spoke a little and she wanted him to give her my
number, so we could talk in the future. She said I could ask her anything and also
accused me of being stand-offish at times (Primero later told me she was
talking about Christmas – I told him it was awkward for me and I was really
just trying to let them have family time and not interrupt with my presence). I
don’t really know what she wants from me. I’ve never been anything but cordial towards
her. I don’t’ really want to be her bff. I’m sorry, but I don’t. I know that
Primero would like that, he would truly like if we were good friends, but I
just don’t think that would happen. Our personalities clash more than they mesh
and mostly I just feel awkward around her. Her telling me I’m stand-offish made
me realize that I do have to make more of an effort to push past my feelings of
discomfort and try to be more welcoming of her. Simply for the sake of Primero.
I’m sorry to say, but it won’t be easy. Primero might be forgiving and let her
off the hook for all the shit she put him through, but I just can’t draw close
to her knowing how badly she hurt the son I love so much. And how she is still hurting
him with this latest development. She blames the county for taking her son and
refuses to admit that her actions played a role in his removal and subsequent
adoption. When I reported what happened to Primero’s usual case worker she
mentioned that in the beginning bio mom was doing what she needed to do to get
Primero back, so I guess the fat lady has not yet sung for Hermano’s case.
Still, it’s an ugly thing this reality of foster care and adoption. And, no
matter how much I love him, I will never be able to love away his desire to be
wanted by his bio mom. I won’t ever be enough, in that sense.
After we dropped off bio mom we headed to the mall for some
retail therapy and Primero started crying again. He said he was angry at himself
for crying in front of the case workers and in public. But, he was also hurt. He
said he just didn’t understand why his mom was working so hard to get Hermano
back. He wanted to know what was different between himself and Hermano that
made her change and do everything she needed to do when she didn’t do anything
for him. He said he felt like he didn’t matter. I just tried to validate his feelings, let him
know he shouldn’t try to hide or stuff his feelings but let them out. I said he
had a right to feel what he was feeling, hurt, disappointed, angry, rejected. I
also told him he had plenty of people to talk to about it, including me. Before
she left the car bio mom asked Primero to call her later that night to “curse
her out.” He called her and had a 60 second conversation. I heard him utter
under his breath after he hung up (I guess she was busy when he called?), “I
don’t know why she told me to call her.”
I think, as TPR and finalization creep closer and reality is
staring him in the face, Primero is fearful of change and the future. I think,
ever since he went to see his mom without permission, he’s developed this
fantasy that she will work a miracle and “get him back” and I think this is
some of the reason we have been struggling lately. We are both stressing over
False Evidence Appearing Real (FEAR). He fears that since he “messed up” I
would kick him out (as has happened to him in the past with other adults) and
so he’s been pulling away and questioning if he really wants to be adopted or
if he should wait for the fantasy to become reality. I have been fearing his
rejection and that I’m losing him, just as I lost Flaco and all the other
placements I have loved. He thought that, after he was adopted, his mom could
take me to court to get him back, if she stayed on the straight and narrow and
could prove it to the courts. I think he’s caught between the past happy
memories of the mother he wants his mom to be and the reality of it all. And so
he’s wishy-washy about adoption because it would essentially bring all those
fantasies to a close. He had been feeling doubts again last week and didn’t
tell me about it until Monday. I was hurt that he never said anything to me
because I don’t want him to feel like he can’t talk to me about things. He said
to me last night that he doesn’t want to hurt bio mom or me, that he wants to
make us both happy. I told him this decision (adoption) needs to be him making
the best decision for himself and that we are both adults and will be fine and
support his decision. It was a very (unexpectedly) emotional day yesterday!
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