Left at the Altar

So, the girlfriend really is pregnant. She’s 7 months along but the baby didn’t cooperate to find out the gender. Her parents aren’t going to let her participate in the after school programs anymore, but she told Primero she would sneak off to see him today. Geeze! She is going to keep the baby and not give it to her aunt. Her mom is making her tell the baby daddy (thank God!) and it seems like mom and baby are healthy. As of right now they are still together and Primero insists they are going to stay together, although he admits he doesn’t want to keep dating her if he won’t ever see her. I have a feeling it will be over soon and I’m rather relieved, although heaven only knows who he’ll be dating next.

I’ve done some soul searching, I’ve hashed it out with friends and the case worker and the therapist and so I’ve come to a conclusion. If Primero chooses PLC and not adoption, I won’t ask him to leave. It’s not what I want, I find it painful and like all the joy has been sucked out of the experience, but I think it’s what’s right for Primero. I don’t want him to be hurt by being shoved out of a loving house just because his trauma won’t allow him to commit to adoption. And, in my heart he is my son, even if he never accepts that position. So, I can’t and I won’t give up on my son. I described it to a friend as if I’ve been left at the altar but the guy still wants to date. Only in this case it’s a hurt kid just needing to be loved, even when that’s hard to do, even when it hurts.

It’s not an easy thing to do from adoptive mom to guardian. All the celebratory pomp and circumstance have been sucked out of the equation. Permanent Legal Custody does not give me the same joy as adoption, there’s nothing to look forward to after all these months of expectation. But, I know it’s what’s right for Primero. He deserves to be in a home where he is loved and wanted and where he feels comfortable. It would not be fair to send him packing, to potentially bounce around in different foster homes or end up in a boy’s home. If I tell him he can only stay if he chooses adoption, then I’m putting conditions on my love. And I love him unconditionally. So, while it hurts, while I might not like or agree with it, if Primero chooses PLC then so be it. Still, it’s hard to accept this turn of events. My heart aches.

In other, less depressing news, Love Bug has 4 teeth now! He’s nine months old today and has finally started sitting up as of last week. He’s mobile now, scooting around pretty quickly. He hasn’t managed crawling yet, but he pushes up on his toes and wriggles himself forward like an inch worm. He just accomplished forward motion last week as well. Until that point, he could only go backwards and he’d get frustrated at not being able to move forward. He likes being in a standing position, if I hold him up, so I think he’s anxious to stand and walk. He looks so precious with his two top and two bottom teeth. I hope all his teeth don’t come in in twos! He was so crabby last week when his top teeth were pushing through. I know he was uncomfortable and his little gums even looked a little swollen. He had a check up on Monday with the same nurse practitioner he saw in the past and she was so surprised at how great he’s doing now, from where he had been. He’s in the 50^th percentile for his height and weight, which is way better than when he was a newbie. She was happy to see how bonded he is to me, stating it was a healthy attachment. She worried his reflux might morph into asthma, but only time will tell. She upped the dosage for his meds but hopes he won’t need it as his diet shifts to more solid foods. All in all, he’s doing very well. But, because he was so late in learning to sit up and because of his rough start, she recommended he get some Early Intervention. The provider should be calling me in the next two weeks to set up his first appointment and evaluation. The doctor said it’s better to get the Early Intervention now rather than wait until he’s in school and struggling and I agree. So, we’ll see how it goes.

As certain as I was before that she was, I’m fairly certain now that Love Bug and Chica Marie’s mom is not pregnant. The tummy I thought I saw on a few occasions seems to be gone, so I wonder if all that time she was missing visits because she was sick, was actually her dealing with a miscarriage? When I spoke to the grandma a few weeks ago, she hinted that bio mom was going through something difficult, and so it would fit. It’s a sad thing, but, and this is calloused to say, I’m sure it isn’t her final pregnancy. Love Bug did better at the last visit, although he was miserable the day before. I know it bugs the bio mom that he gets so excited to see me show up to get him at the visit. I know it also bugs her that Chica Marie calls me Mommy even in front of her. In fact, the other day she was standing next to me saying, “Mommy, Mommy” and I didn’t respond, thinking she was talking to bio mom until she said, “Oh, I mean Miss [My name].” Then I felt bad for ignoring her. And, the older sister called the little girl by the nickname I gave her for the first time in front of their mom. I try very hard to address the little girl by her full name in front of bio mom, but it does slip sometimes.

So, life goes on in this crazy world of mine. It’s not easy, it’s not without pain or sacrifice, but life does go on. Right now I’m just hanging on the for the ride.