Unicorns and Rainbows

I wrote a very long and rather snarky post and then deleted it. I guess there’s only so much dirty laundry I’m willing to air. The point I do want to convey is how Primero seems to have bounced back into the role of happy soon-to-be adopted child and how I haven’t quite managed to regain my role of ecstatic soon-to-be adoptive mom/Ash. I think I’m still reeling from the pain, I’m still aching and hurting because of some of the things that Primero said. I’m not stupid, those feelings don’t just vanish after two conversations and a night apart. So, he’s flipped back to adoption now. What about next month? Will he change his mind again? He agreed with his therapist last night that he would start calling me by my full name and then some day he’ll call me mother. I don’t even care anymore. I can’t just jump back on the everything’s-so-awesome-so-wonderful-unicorns-and-rainbows bandwagon again. Things are not wonderful. Things are not awesome. Things are hard. Things still hurt. I guess it’s a good thing I’m seeing a therapist.    

 
I used to think I was the poster child for adopting older children. I thought I would be a staunch advocate for adopting tweens and teens from foster care because hey, I did it! I assumed my story of reluctantly taking in Primero temporarily and then agreeing to adopt him would inspire others to overcome their reluctance and take in older children. I don’t feel this way anymore. I honestly don’t know if I could advocate taking in teens because the truth is they have experienced so much trauma and pain that it makes parenting them a heart wrenching, painful experience. I honestly don’t know if I would ever consider doing it again myself. Maybe this is just the pain talking and once I truly heal, I will feel differently again. I don’t know