Let it Go

“Let it go! Let it go!” I have this song on repeat in my brain because there are a LOT of things I need to be letting go of right now. And I am struggling, oh I am struggling!  

I need to let go of the idea that I will ever be on equal ground with Primero’s biological family

I have to let go of the idea that Primero is breaking up with his pregnant girlfriend

I have to let go of being jealous that some stupid teenager gets to name her baby when I don’t really get to name my children

I have to let go of Primero ever calling me anything but loathsome Ash

I have to let go of my future holidays being anything but divided, spending time with people I wouldn’t choose to spend time with

I have to get go of the pain every time Primero says “my mom” and means his bio mom

I have to let go of my hatred for his bio mom

I have to let go of thinking I will ever actually be the mom I want to be

I have to let go of doing so much for others and thinking I will be treated the same

I have to let go of everything

 

The pregnant girlfriend. I wish she would just go away! This afternoon her parents will accompany her to the after school program so she can officially announce she’s expecting. She pretended to tell Primero yesterday afternoon, since she didn’t want her parents to know she told her friends and boyfriend before she told them. She will be allowed to participate in the after school program. She told her parents on Friday that she’s dating Primero and they were fine with it, gave their stamp of approval. It doesn’t matter that I’m not fine with it, that’s what Primero told me on Friday. My approval is not needed and he would not heed my request that they break up. But, if her parents didn’t approve, he would yield to their will. It’s so messed up! (The snow glows white on the mountain tonight. Not a footprint to be seen. A kingdom of isolation. And it looks like I'm the queen!) He told me that his girlfriend wants him to be there when she has the baby. Not in the delivery room, but at the hospital. Um, what? She wanted him to help name the baby, but then picked out names on her own anyway. She claims she can’t find the baby daddy and is contemptuous about involving him. I guess her mom decided, on top of giving back her phone and all other privileges, she doesn’t have to tell the baby daddy. So, she’s treating Primero like he’s the baby daddy, involving him in so much. And he seems content to be along for the ride, despite his scathing remarks about his brother and the pregnant chick he was dating (and proposed marriage to) in December. I asked if she planned to give the baby her last name or hyphenate it with the daddy’s last name. He said she might choose a different last name altogether. If she gives her baby Primero’s last name I will hunt her down and kick her @ss. I wish he wasn’t involved with her! (The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside. Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I've tried. Don't let them in, don't let them see. Be the good girl you always have to be. Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know. Well, now they know!!) I’m trying so hard to not be scornful when Primero tells me things, but it’s so damn hard! I’m not this girl’s mother, thank God, but I hate that Primero is involved at all. And I hate how ok he is with everything – like sure, why shouldn’t my girlfriend be pregnant with another boys baby? (Let it go, let it go! Can't hold it back anymore. Let it go, let it go! Turn away and slam the door. I don't care what they're going to say. Let the storm rage on! The cold never bothered me anyway). I don’t want to allow Primero to be in the hospital when she has the baby, it’s not his place. I can acquiesce in taking him to visit her in the hospital but it’s going to be all of us, the whole kit and caboodle. I wish this weren’t happening. I wish this weren’t my life….. (It's funny how some distance makes everything seem small. And the fears that once controlled me can't get to me at all. It's time to see what I can do. To test the limits and break through. No right, no wrong, no rules for me. I'm free!) 

Primero is still calling me by my loathsome nickname. I think he’s used my full name once. And on top of that he still talks about “my mom” which just rubs salt in my wounds at this point (Let it go, let it go! I am one with the wind and sky. Let it go, let it go! You'll never see me cry. Here I stand and here I stay. Let the storm rage on…). I had the kids in respite Friday night until Saturday afternoon. When I picked them up we took Primero to get his hair cut. While we waited for his turn he said he’s given it a lot of thought, he talked about it with his oldest brother and the foster mom where he stayed in respite and he’s tired of flip-flopping about adoption. He does want me to adopt him. This on the heels of my decision to agree to PLC because I was about 80% sure that’s what he was going to choose. I should have been over-joyed or relieved or something. But, I felt nothing. I guess it’s just everything that’s going on, all the drama and all the stress.  

I wish we could go back to the beginning, when things seemed much easier. I wish we could recapture the elation at the initial decision to adopt. But, we cannot (My power flurries through the air into the ground. My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around. And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast. I'm never going back, the past is in the past.). We’ve been through some things and while I believe that enduring difficult and challenging times can make a relationship stronger, it can also destroy it. At this point, I think we are coming back together, but I also feel like I’m reaching a breaking point. I feel like there is so much I must come to terms with, I don’t know that I can do it! Not only am I dealing with a teenager, a child and baby but I’ve started seeing someone and well, I think maybe I feel like there’s not enough of me to go around. I don’t know how else to explain it. Life is just so complicated! (Let it go, let it go!! When I rise like the break of dawn. Let it go, let it go!! That perfect girl is gone. Here I stand in the light of day. Let the storm rage on! The cold never bothered me anyway…)