All that Jazz

It’s been a long stressful week. With all the happenings last weekend, the whole court debacle and dealing with issues with the little ones bio mom, not to mention a winter snow storm, well I think it’s about time for a vacation! Primero has not been talking about what happened at court since that day. He insists he’s not stressed out or depressed about it but he’s been sleeping a lot this week and staying quiet. His case work thinks he should be given a new psych evaluation to make sure he’s ok and won’t be reverting to self-harm coping mechanisms as he did in the past. I’ve been emailing his case worker and therapist all week talking about what happened, how he can get closure from his bio mom and just generally how we can all help him to deal with his feelings about adoption and what happened to get him to this point. Recently he has been writing about some things from his life and it seems to be a good outlet for him. So, last night I suggested he continue the next story he told me he was going to write. He took to this idea and immediately began writing a story based on his relationship with his girlfriend.

Ah, the girlfriend. They’ve begun talking about sex and so I suppose it’s just a matter of time. She’s more experienced than he is (having gotten pregnant twice by her previous boyfriend) and the five months they’ve been together is the longest relationship for both of them. To him, she is a “good” girl, sweet and funny, and they will be together “forever.” They call one another kind and queen. I still wish they weren’t dating. She flat out asked him when and how he’d like to lose his virginity because she was feeling tempted. He doesn’t help the situation by doing things to turn her on, like nibbling on her ears and finding her “special” spots. From the stories he tells me, it seems like they have an awful lot of time at his after school programs to mess around with one another, PDAs and things like that, but never total privacy to do the deed. Still, with teens, when there’s a will they will find a way. We had a long conversation about this and I expressed how I felt he was still too young and how I wish he would wait until he was in a truly serious (talking marriage) relationship – or even better, married – he insisted it would not be any time soon. We talked about getting him some condoms, since his girlfriend is clearly not on birth control or capable of being responsible and I’m still on the fence about it. While I do want him to be safe I also don’t want him to see easy access to condoms as permission or endorsement of him becoming sexually active. Oh how I wish I wasn’t doing this part alone! We talked about all the responsibilities that come along with the fun of having sex and I guess at this point I just have trust him to do the right thing. I still wish his girlfriend was a little more innocent or that his friends didn’t tell him of all their sexual exploits (he had two gay friends who are sexually active and recently had a three some). Where is the beautiful innocence of childhood?

I had written before about how Primero is so desperate for me and his bio mom to be bosom buddies. He has begun watching the show The Fosters about a lesbian couple who are adoptive/foster parents and the kids refer to them as “moms” – like, “Why didn’t you tell Moms that you didn’t go to school today.” Primero jokingly said he wished he had two moms so he could call them “the moms” too. I responded by saying he does have two moms – me and his bio mom. This prompted his fantasy daydream about him celebrating his 21^st birthday with the two of us. He said he we would go to dinner, then a movie and stop to have a drink before he drove us both home. In his future world we are always lumped together and I struggle with this so so so much. I don’t feel comfortable spending much time with her and I don’t know how to overcome that, let alone develop any type of friendship with her. I know that Primero doesn’t (at least not outwardly) resent her for how her actions and inactions have affected his life, but I find that I’m not so forgiving. I’m angry at her for the hurt she caused him and even angrier that she continues to hurt him. She wanted me to have her cell phone number so we can talk “about anything” but I feel resistant to talking to her beyond when Primero is around. I won’t say I dislike her because that’s not the truth. I just don’t understand her or her lifestyle choices. She was blessed with the gift of fertility and she abused her gift and then gave up on him entirely. She asked about when she could have a visit with him before the court hearing on Tuesday. She was told she would need to call a case worker to set that up. She hadn’t make any effort since before Mother’s Day of last year. I’m mad at her for that. I’m mad at her for the crushed hopes and dashed spirits of a boy waiting to see his mother – his face set bravely stoic so no one would see his pain. I’m angry that she lured him out to meet her knowing the visits were supposed to be supervised. And I am so angry that she cannot and will not take responsibility for her actions that lead to my poor sweet boy entering foster care and then needing a permanent placement (i.e. adoption). I can’t stand the fact that her response, upon finding out he was upset that she was working towards getting Hermano back, was basically that he asked for it. She was blaming him for the things she had done (and not done) to him. And I loathe her for that because I felt the pain in his heart at this betrayal and unwarranted rejection. Primero deserves so much better! But, she has redeeming qualities, or so Primero believes, and therefore I must dig very deep within myself to find a way to make a connection with her, for his sake. So, I took a step in this direction and sent her a text. Last month I had asked Primero for her number to send along to Hermano’s foster mom (she had asked for it) and I went back through the old texts to find it and sent her a brief message. I know that it’s up to me to make the effort here, it’s up to me to get the ball rolling and try to carve a relationship out of this ball of wax. I’m not doing it for me, I’m not doing it for her, I’m doing it for Primero.

In addition to all the drama with Primero, there have  been growing issues going on with the little ones and their visits with bio mom. From court in December, bio mom was granted to have what they call “community” visits, meaning out and about in the community at various locations. The visits thus far have been at the local library and Burger King. This past Wednesday the visit was at Chick-fil-a. The visits can no longer be held at the library because the children and their mom have basically been banned. Apparently, during the visit there last week the girls vandalized a mural and so CHOR was contacted and asked to not bring them back to the library for a visit. According to the case worker, the bio mom wants to see the footage from the security camera and sue the library for what I don’t know. There had been talk about having the visit at the mall, which made me cringe. I joked about seeing the girls fishing for pennies in the water fountains, but given the lack of supervision it isn’t all that farfetched. The little girl had been struggling with the visits  being cancelled, since the bio mom was missing at least one of the two visits for several weeks in a row. She would become completely inconsolable when I would pick her up at daycare on a day she knew she was supposed to have a visit. So, they have also asked for bio mom to confirm the visit a day prior, in hopes of the little girl not reacting negatively to a cancelled visit. We shall see how it works. This past Saturday the bio mom skipped the new therapy but promised to be there this week. Honestly, I almost hope she keeps skipping these therapy sessions so we can have our Saturday mornings back.