Getting Off the Merry-go-round

I was going along at a pretty good clip, buzzing busily from one thing to the next and onto the next, when I suddenly hit a wall. Now, all the busyness and buzzing about has me feeling apathetically stalled. My little engine that could has simply run out of steam. Like always, there are many, many things going on, things I cannot escape or let go unattended. I won’t say I’m dissatisfied in anyway, I prefer being busy and having things to look forward to doing, but I’m just tired. I’m so very, very tired. Partially, this is due to the simple lack of sleep (thank you Love Bug and my own poor ability to stay asleep a full night), but it’s also due to my dietary choices combined/enhanced/compounded by my hormonal/PCOS issues. Simply stated, I need more hours of rest and I need to eat better.

 

It’s no secret I struggle with my weight. I’ve tried doing things to lose weight in the past but was abysmally unsuccessful. My contempt for my own body, something I’ve had from a very young age, was only compounded by the utter disappointment of infertility. Of course my body would let me down when it came to conceiving because my body is worthless, disgusting, contemptable. To me, this is a truth. When I was a teenager at a local fair showing my 4-H animals, another mother said to my mother, “It’s a shame [my name] is so heavy because she has such a pretty face.” Already body-conscious and over-weight I internalized this as my personal mantra – I have such a pretty face, it’s a shame I’m so fat and disgusting. And, for years this is what I believed about myself. I think most people see a confident and self-assured woman when they meet me. I do a very good job of hiding my personal neurosis. But, this sickening mantra is hurting me, it is holding me back from having a life full of joy. Now more than ever I need to learn to stop hating my body. I need to love my body so I can teach my children to love their bodies. And, I need to do it for myself. I think one reason I find dating and meeting that potential someone so difficult is because I don’t see my body as worthy of the attention. I’m gross-looking, don’t want me, don’t desire me. It’s evident how this is a major roadblock.

 

One major player in my malaise is my addiction to sugar. Yes, I am a sugar addict. For so long I would have denied that, I would have insisted I eat much less sugar than “other” people. But, as I was starting a new non-diet (it was a cognitive self-help book for people seeking to lose weight, but not a diet in and of itself), I self-sabotaged gloriously and probably gained another 10 pounds eating as many unhealthy things as I could get my hands on. I’m not really a fad person, in fact I’m more apt to try something many moons after it’s been around, but the idea that sugar can be a toxin to the body, especially in high doses, seems spot on to me. And, for people like me, it can be an addiction – something that hits those pesky pleasure spots in the brain and lights them up like a Christmas tree ala the Griswolds. And so I have this dual-pronged thing I need to deal with and it’s rather emotionally draining, especially when added to the effects of sugar overload, lack of sleep, and hormonal imbalance. Good-bye energy, hello blah.

 

My therapist told me knowing is half the battle but I see knowing as putting on the armor for the battle. I have found a Certified Natural Health provider but won’t be able to see her for our first appointment until July. She is also an R.N. and certified through a whole host of organizations and through a holistic approach, helps women with hormonal imbalances. I’m anxious to see her, even if the appointment is pricey and not covered by insurance. They have me on a wait list should there be any cancellations before July. But, I cannot wait until July to start doing something to better my diet. Part of my struggle is time and convenience. I am busy, or haven’t I mentioned that? I work full-time at a job outside my home and then I come home to work some more. And, if I’m not squeezing housework into every available moment of the day, I’m out and about with the kids trying to provide some semblance of a social life for them and me. So, trying to make sure I follow a planned menu is about the same as asking me to write my blog in Chinese – seems downright impossible! But, I have to find a way to make it work. We cannot just grab something somewhere because it is killing me and it is teaching the children horrible eating habits. They groan and complain and refuse to eat when I make dinner, but happily gobble up the non-homemade meals. So, not only am I forcing myself through this change but I’m tugging the children along with me. My goal for this weekend is to get the junk food out of the house. Adios. Primero will probably bulk the most because I don’t think that boy would know a vegetable if it jumped up and kissed him. He will probably just hide his junk food and resist unhappily. This won’t make any of us happy initially. But, my hope is, eventually we will all become happier as the toxins from the processed foods leave our bodies for the most part. I mean, the school is still going to feed Chica Marie PopTarts for breakfast. And I’m pretty sure hotdogs will remain on the daycare menu, but hopefully our family meals and snacks will balance out those foods. It’s not going to be an easy change on many levels. Junk food is fast, convenient and always available. It’s prevalence and easy consumption is what draws me to it again and again. Meal planning is hard, like calculus hard! Meal prepping is hard; it requires a lot of forethought and considerable time management. But, it is non-negotiable, it must be done for the betterment of our health. It’s time to get off this particular merry-go-round.