She’s only 6 but Chica Marie has already used the “real
mother” verbiage. It happened at dinner. I don’t remember what we were talking
about but she told Primero to “go ask” to his “real mom.” Honestly, I think
Primero was more shocked about it than I was; I thought it would happen this
first year in kindergarten when the kids mentioned the racial discrepancy between
her and I. Primero was also more offended by her off-handed comment, insisting she
take it back and never say it again. He must have forgotten the times when he
said “you’re not my real mom” in anger. I let it slide. I calmly asked Chica
Marie what she meant by saying “real mom” and she didn’t really answer me. So, I
told her that she, in fact, has two very real mom’s. One of her mommy’s had
Chica Marie in her tummy and one of her mommy’s was helping her grow up, but
both of us are real and both of us are her mommies. Primero took it a step
further, pinching my arm and saying I felt real to him. It was odd having
Primero so staunchly argue the use of “rea mom” but hopefully it helped Chica
Marie to understand the term isn’t one we use in our house. Usually, just
saying “your mom” is enough to indicate which mother we are talking about and
if not, we use first names. Here on the blog I use bio mom but I don’t use that
with the kids because it’s redundant. I wonder how old Love Bug will be when he
pulls out the “real mom” wording?
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I wonder when I'll hear this. We talk about China Mommy a lot and my little girl did once ask if I said to do something and China Mommy said not to who she should listen to. (I said the one that was in the room.) It sounds like Primero had your back!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that she said this but, man, what a gift for you to hear his response. At least you know that even when his loyalties are wavering, his heart knows you're real, too.
ReplyDeleteI've heard the "you're not my mom" phrase used jokingly in a lot of cartoons. It's usually said when an older character is bossing a younger character around. Granted they leave out the "real" part, it's not unreasonable to expect a foster/adopt kid to make that connection.
So interesting to read how your children working through these difficult ideas in their own way. I think your response was grounded and kind.
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