Two Out of Three

I feel bad that I don’t have the same relationship with Chica Marie that I do with Love Bug. I wish, with all my being, that I had been able to have those baby moments with Chica Marie so that we might have the same amazing connection. There is no denying the love between me and Love Bug – he is a total momma’s boy, no if’s and’s or but’s. And for me, he is my ray of sunshine, the little ball of boy who keeps me grounded and makes me want to be the amazing momma that he thinks I am. Sometimes I feel so fiercely close to him that it actually breaks my heart.

 

Lately, as I have been tucking him into bed at night, Love Bug has demanded I lay with him, smooshing my cheek to his cheek while he wraps his arm around my neck and stuffs his fingers in my hair. He chats with me about random things like the fire alarm going off at daycare (it was a drill) or going to the dentist (I go to dentist. He brush my teeth.). Recently, he has started playing imaginary games, telling me I’m the baby and he’s the princess (or vice versa). Last night he was especially adamant that I lay with him until he fell asleep. He laughed when I pretended to be the princess, talking in a falsetto and cooing to him, the baby. He then said, “You not a princess. I not a baby. You Mommy and I Love Bug.” I don’t know what it was about this adorable utterance, but I burst into tears. I was thinking about how hard things are with Chica Marie and how long things have been hard. This made me think about losing Love Bug and the sheer thought of never again smooshing my cheek to his and breathing in his little boy smell while he drowsily talked to me just shattered my heart. I felt a physical pain at the thought of no longer being my Love Bug’s mommy. He truly lives up to the name. He loves on everybody and is mostly just a happy, funny little boy. His impish smile with his missing front teeth turns me into a pile of goo. His giggle and belly laugh make me smile in the worst of moods. When he says, “I need you Mommy” I would move heaven and earth to be by his side, holding his little hand in mine. It’s almost like all the love I was missing, waiting for my child to arrive, is pouring out of Love Bug and into my life right now. We look nothing alike but he is undeniably my son.

 

With Primero it is different. We clearly have shared affection, but the sweetness that flows through my relationship with Love Bug isn’t there with the big guy. Not to say I don’t love him fiercely and wholeheartedly, but it’s different. I entered Primero’s life when he was already staring into young adulthood. We fit seamlessly together as mother and son, but we lack the history of his baby and boyhood. So while the love and the trust bond we have is strong, it really is different than with a snuggly little rascal like Love Bug. I don’t think Primero would take too kindly to my cheek being smooshed against his. He does hug me, pretty freely for a teenage boy, but smooshy kisses and a no-no. Every now and again I can snag a quick cheek kiss, but those are fleeting moments. Still, our open conversations and willingness to share with one another undoubtable points to the depth of our connection.

 

I feel like Chica Marie would be open to cheek smooshing. I think she would suck up every ounce of attention, physical contact or displays of affection that I could muster. But, with Chica Marie it’s like trying to hug a porcupine. The spines of her behaviors get in the way of pressing our cheeks together and snuggling until she falls asleep. Love Bug says he needs me and I melt, yet the aching desperate insatiable need of Chica Marie drains me dry. I look at Love Bug and realize that Chica Marie wasn’t much older than him when she moved in, yet he still seems like a baby to me and she felt much older. Why couldn’t we connect back then? I remember the first night she stayed with us and she was scared, so both Primero and I laid in bed with her until she fell asleep. There aren’t too many times that I laid with her until she was asleep. Mostly because she would not fall asleep when I was laying with her. She would stay awake and cling to me with a vice grip. Sadly, much of her ravenous need feels manipulative in nature, probably because she never seems quenched. When I do try to fill this need it feels impossible to extricate myself from her, her neediness traps me, causing me to struggle until I break myself free. I wish I didn’t feel that way. I wish her smile would make me melt, instead of make me suspicious. I wish her hugs would feel warm and sweet instead of like a death grip around my neck. I wish we could smoosh our cheeks together and breath each other in and yet still be Mommy and Chica Marie instead of her aching hole of need trying to suck the marrow from my bones.

 

Our case worker is out on medical leave for a few weeks. While she is out her supervisor is handling our home visits. She was over  one night last week for a very long time. She brought along an intern, who happened to know Chica Marie from school last year. She was a TSS worker for a different child, but had interacted with Chica Marie and remembered her. During the course of our lengthy conversation, the case worker supervisor suggested I look into getting family therapy for me and Chica Marie through my insurance or my company’s EAP (Employee Assistance Plan). It seems worth a shot to getting some help, so I’m going to look into. My insurance is already covering my personal therapy, so I would have to see what the parameters are for further counseling, but I figure it’s worth a shot. The intern/former TSS worker suggested I tell Chica Marie’s TSS I need help in certain areas and have her develop strategies to help us. Both were sort of pushing me to be more aggressive with the therapy team we currently have, which I can also try to do but I feel like I was very clear about what I wanted when this new crew came on board and it got me nowhere. The case worker supervisor suggested respite, to which I laughed and said I haven’t had that since July of last year. She is going to look into getting respite for me and Primero to spend a night at the beach. Hey, it’s something. In the meantime, I’ve spoken with the school vice principal to have a meeting for the school staff, new teacher, me, the mobile therapist, the TSS worker and the two foster agencies (CHOR and the county) to get on the same page for Chica Marie’s new school year. The meeting is tentatively set for the Friday before school starts. I’m hoping it helps, but I feel so jaded that at this point I feel it’s like taking a water gun to battle a wild fire – rather pointless. I want to me less negative about Chica Marie and maybe once the car scratching incident blows over I will find my inner Suzie Sunshine, but at the moment I just can’t muster much optimism.