Baby Shower Blitzkrieg

Today a friend sent an invitation to me on Facebook for a baby shower the beginning of June. It was perplexing because how it was worded didn't really say who the mother-to-be was. I remembered seeing something on this same friends page last month. It was one of those quizzes but it said something about a daughter. She only has a son. In fact, the last time we went out alone she insisted she would not want to have another child. 

She responded to my question on Facebook by sending me a text telling me she was expecting. "It wasn't planned" she said. She thought she told me already. When she got pregnant with her son, I was really in the thick of the whole infertility thing and she was kind enough to send me an email before splashing her pregnancy all over social media. I appreciated the gesture, no matter how much it gutted me at the time. This time, I was blind sighted. I think I might have accepted the whole announcement if she had said something to be before inviting me to the baby shower. But, finding out the way I did made it hard to breathe for a few minutes. I felt my face flush as I congratulated her. Slowly I righted my emotional ship, as we chatted about her news, but I couldn't help but wonder why she didn't tell me the same way she did the last time. It wasn't that her news didn't hurt, it just helped me save face and cope with it better, in my time. 

I don't know if I will attend the baby shower. I want to support my friend but baby showers really aren't my thing. I noticed someone asked if kids were allowed, which might make it a little easier, but lately Chica Marie has been asking me when I will have a baby in my tummy and Love Bug keeps asking me if I remember when he was in my tummy, so I'm not so sure. I don't know if I would be able to stand Chica Marie's fascination, bordering on obsession, of a pregnant belly. And sobbing uncontrollably isn't usually welcomed at baby showers.Thankfully I have a few weeks to decide what I'm going to do.

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

One Year as a Family

Today marks the first year anniversary of the adoption of Chica Marie and Love Bug. We have spent one year as an official family of four. Earlier this week I was contacted about a potential placement for a 9 year old girl.  Her family was headed to court today, but I found out yesterday the county would not need the placement. I’m hoping that means the girl and her five siblings were able to stay in their home. I spoke with Love Bug and Chica Marie about the possibility of the placement and Chica Marie was very excited at the prospect of another girl in the home. She was also very disappointed when I told her the girl would not be coming. We talked about how frustrating foster care can be and if it was something we wanted to continue doing. Chica Marie was very adamant that she wanted us to take in a placement. Love Bug was more realistic and doubtful, expressing worry about not being able to sleep with me. We shall see how it goes, if we do get a placement.

 

I shared the post from this day last year on Facebook, celebrating the finalization for the little ones. Their mother hearted the post. I was taken aback when I saw that because that’s a hard thing. Hard to like something that has caused you so much personal turmoil. I know their mom tried to get them back and I know she made mistakes along the way. And she has finally worked on herself and seems to be in a really good space right now. I hope she is able to keep it up, I hope she is able to rebuild the relationships she has lost with her kids and be there for them. And, even more than that, I hope she is able to stay healthy for herself. I know her life has not been an easy one, even without some of the poor choices she made. But, there is redemption and everyone deserves a second chance.   

Kindergarten Registration

This morning I officially signed Love Bug up to attend kindergarten in the fall. We arrived early, so we were the first ones there. I thought they were going to evaluate Love Bug, we had an appointment for them to do so, but they said his Early Intervention therapist had already started the evaluation which they would submit to the school. I don’t know when that will be done but I know they will contact me to set up an IEP/transitional meeting before school starts. It would be really great to have the evaluation before then, but I’m not sure if I will get a copy of it. I am concerned because Love Bug’s diagnosis does not seem very clear-cut to me and, if his mobile therapist is having doubts about ASD, well where does that leave us? Would it be better for Love Bug to be placed in a classroom with support for children on the spectrum or would it be better for Love Bug to not get that diagnosis and instead we explore medication options for the ADHD? We have an appointment set up with the psychiatrist who oversees the mobile therapist and TSS worker. I am hoping he can shed some light on things for me. But, even if he does disagree with the early interventionist and the evaluating staff, will the school district even consider his opinion? The EI unit has a connection to the school district that the mental health group does not have. I think, mostly, I just want all the evaluating to be done so we can work on helping Love Bug.

 

I took Love Bug to daycare after kindergarten registration. He had been patient, watching a show on my phone. But, at daycare his routine was off and he couldn’t cope. The older kids in his class were practicing for graduation (I’m going to cry) and he didn’t want to join them. As I was trying to convince him to go upstairs to his friends, they all came marching downstairs into his classroom. I thought this would help him, but he started getting upset that there wasn’t any food for him. I had fed him breakfast at home, but his morning routine at daycare was to have breakfast when he got there. His teacher gave him some crackers and water. He seemed to calm down as I left him with his teacher and TSS worker. But, it heightened my worries about him starting school and struggling with such a long day of learning and following the rules with little time for breaks. I suppose, at the end of the day, it will all work out and worrying won’t really change anything. I will just advocate for what I believe Love Bug needs and challenge him to rise to the occasion, like I believe he can.

Living Arrangements

 I think I mentioned before that Chica Marie and Love Bug’s mom is living with their grandmother and older sister, Mini Momma. It is great to see their mom doing so well, she has really come a long way from when her and I first met. I know she has done a lot of work to get where she is and I applaud her for it because I’m sure it wasn’t easy. But, I am holding my breath and worrying about a potential invite for the kids to sleep-over. It’s not that I don’t want them to spend time with their mom, I have no problem with that, in fact I’m happy she’s in a place where that can happen. What I fear is when Chica Marie realizes and understands her mom lives with her sister. It will crush her wholly, heart, spirit and soul to know Mini Momma is with their mom and she is not. In their past life in foster care, it was noted many, many times by the case workers that their mom would favor Mini Momma over Chica Marie, literally pushing her aside to practice yoga with Mini Momma alone during the visit. I don’t think Love Bug will really understand, but I know Chica Marie will and I know it will hurt her unbelievably. So, when the invitation comes, I need to decide how I am going to graciously decline the offer without making it seem like I don’t want the kids around their mom. Or do I just let it happen and try to help Chica Maire pick up the pieces afterwards? That seems too cruel to me, given the dynamic from before. I don’t know how long their mom will be living with their grandmother, perhaps it is only a temporary situation. I know they mentioned something to Chica Marie at the cheerleading event we attended, but I don’t think she really understood what that implied. But, seeing in person where her mom is staying and how close she has become to Mini Momma (if Facebook pictures can be believed), well that’s a horse of a different color. I guess, at the end of the day, it is better to protect Chica Marie’s feelings than worrying about making her grandmother or mother feel some type of way….

Special Needs Families

We had one bad t-ball practice with Love Bug. It was the first outdoor practice near a playground. Love Bug wanted to play on the playground and I told him he could after practice. He wanted to know how long practice was going to last and when I couldn’t give him an acceptable answer, because he has no concept of time, he spiraled out of control. So, I found a way to help him. I set an alarm on my phone. He practices for 5 minutes and then he takes a 5 minute break. At practice last week, he only asked me one time when the alarm was going to go off. He took one long, unsanctioned break, but he came back to practice easily and participated as much as the other restless players. I was relieved to know my plan worked. Mostly. When I was talking with his coach about my new approach, I got a little teary-eyed because it’s hard watching your kid struggle. It’s even harder when that cute little imp is kicking you and throwing sticks at you. The coach rubber-stamped my idea and another father, who was on the periphery listening to our conversation, chimed in that “it’s just kids.” Meaning, all kids have issues with something or another. I smiled at him kindly, but inside I was screaming, “You don’t get it!” Yes, all kids have their different personalities and they handle things differently. I am not talking about varying personalities. I am talking about a child who is not processing things within the range of clinically normal. The mobile therapist told me a few weeks ago that he isn’t 100% sold on the ASD diagnosis, like the early intervention therapist. He definitely sees ADHD and ODD but he thinks, with structure, Love Bug can manage as well as any child his age. The school setting might be the ultimate test. Love Bug will be evaluated by the school this week during kindergarten registration. We have a whole slew of mental health professionals working with and evaluating Love Bug. It’s not that I don’t recognize all children have different personalities, but by telling me that, the father of Love Bug’s teammate nullified our very real struggles. Somehow, the things that we have to work to overcome feel diminished and marginalized when they are readily brushed aside under the “all kids” umbrella. I know why the father said what he did, he was trying to make me feel better. He didn’t want me to feel bad that my kid might stick out in some way. But, his words had the opposite effect. Because, to ignore our challenges means ignoring our successes. Love Bug has been doing better at practice, not because of his personality, but because we have been doing a lot of behind-the-scenes talking and brainstorming about how to make it through that hour twice a week. It doesn’t make me feel better to hear that “all kids” have a bad day or a different attitude because, while that is true, not all kids have a hard time processing unstructured time. Not all kids require the level of intervention like Love Bug. I’m not trying to make my little boy stand out, but I am trying to realistically help him function in an unforgiving world. Please, don’t try to gloss over our struggles, rather celebrate our successes with us.     

Not sure what #MicroblogMondays is? Read the inaugural post which explains the idea and how you can participate too.

Trauma Informed, Racially Savvy

The first post-permanency group meeting at CHOR was with two lawyers. They talked to the small audience of me and another couple who has adopted through foster care about creating a will. There are a lot of intricacies involved in writing a will, especially if you have children. This is something I have been meaning to do since last year when I needed to indicate to the county who would be responsible for my children should anything make me unable to care for them. I don’t like revisiting this, but I must. The hardest thing for me is figuring out who would be not only willing but qualified to care for my children. Obviously, no one is me and therefore I cannot expect anyone to do exactly what I do. But, there are important key points that direct my decision.

 

First of all, the person or persons would need to be known to my children. It would need to be someone who understands their special needs and would be willing to continue the therapies the little ones need. Not only that, but assuming I am not around, the children will be faced with another trauma and whoever becomes their guardian would need to help them through that using professionals in trauma-informed therapy. The potential guardian, assuming they are white, would also need to have an understanding of racism in America and be willing and able to help my kids navigate their world as black kids with a white family. It would be important to me that the guardian continue to forge a relationship with the kids biological family, allowing them to keep in touch and have visits when possible. This complicated list really leaves me with no one.

 

Honestly, there is not a single person or couple I know who would be willing or able to take on what I described. So, where does that leave me? Initially, I had asked my sister and brother-in-law. They tentatively agreed but I felt like I was twisting their arms and that isn’t a good place for anyone to find themselves – pushed into parenting children when that wasn’t part of their life plan. My parents are not an option, and, according to the lawyer who does this kind of thing for a living, it is not recommended listing someone a generation older than myself as guardian for my kids. Chances are, I will out-live them. This also eliminates my aunt and uncle because they are closer to my parents’ generation even if they are a few years younger. The only other potential option I can think of is my cousin, but she is in her early 20’s and living at home with her parents. She has some medical issues (nothing life-threatening) and her boyfriend is iffy for me. Not that I don’t like him, we just share radically different opinions on marijuana. As in, he is heavily involved in the new medicinal marijuana movement in our area and pushing for total legality. And I am not. I don’t know what their plans are for children or if that is even something on their radar right now. But, they do know the kids and I think they would do their best, if it’s something they would be willing to consider.  

 

My final option is Primero. He is intimately involved with the children and knows their behavioral issues better than anyone except me. He also understands the importance of keeping in touch with biological family. His current age and employment status make him an unlikely choice, but hopefully this is all conjecture and not something that ever needs to be invoked. I have listed all three children on my pension, equally shared and I intend to ask my sister to be the executor of my will, meaning she would hold the purse strings and hopefully keep everything fair. I haven’t really had the chance to sit and talk to Primero about the idea, but we have plans to see a movie together the end of this month, so if we make it dinner and a movie, we should have time to discuss the topic. And, we could talk about who would be available to help him out, like my sister and cousin, should the unspeakable occur and I am unable to care for Chica Marie and Love Bug. If Primero is unwilling, I will really need to get creative because, as I mentioned, the list of potentially trauma-informed, race-savvy people is frighteningly short. Maybe I should look into inventing some life-giving serum that would keep me going should something happen. It seems like a more plausible option at this point….

Bullies

Last Thursday I attended an event hosted by CHOR as part of a post-permanency group series. The session was hosted by a local non-profit group working to eradicate bullying. The speaker wrote a book based on her personal experience being bullied in school and enduring other hardships before being able to create this non-profit dedicated to not only speaking out about bullying but also teaching kids and adults how to stop bullying. Of the three couples present, one was the couple who had Primero in foster care before he moved in with me. Primero had issue with the foster dad, who is rather arrogant and not one of my favorite people. In fact, I would classify this man as being a bully, based on some of the stuff Primero reported to me and what I’ve seen of him in group meetings. At one point during the presentation, the foster dad interjected that sometimes kids need to learn to stand up for themselves, implying taking physical action. I stated this escalation of the situation is what leads kids to pick up a gun and go to school. An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. Both foster parents defended their decision to tell their child to fight back. I stopped arguing with them because I was not going to change their minds and it simply wasn’t worth it.

 

Later, the same foster dad mentioned having issues with more than a few people at work. Proving the presenters point, he suggested the problem was the other people and when the presenter suggested he do something radical, like take them a candy bar, he insisted the other people at his work were too miserable to be swayed by a surprise kind gesture. After the presentation, when I had calmed down, I spoke with the presenter and explained why I got visibly irritated at the other couple teaching their child to fight other kids. I labeled the foster dad a bully and she said she understood and that was why she kept picking on him all night, telling him to get a candy bar for his co-workers. When I told Primero about the situation later that night, he was not surprised at the foster dad’s response and insistence that his child fight back. He also called him a bully and thought it was ironic that he attended this specific training.

 

I have plans to take the kids to an event being held by the non-profit group. I might volunteer to read stories to kids or do something else. I was bullied in grade school and felt lucky to escape it in high school because I was homeschooled. To this day the things the bullies told me about myself are a part of my inner monologue that I have to fight to overcome. I hope to help other children so they don’t have to undo that type of damage for themselves, so they don’t feel worthless for being different in some way. I especially hope to help my own children. Primero has been bullied. Chica Marie has been bullied and she has been the bully. I don’t think Love Bug has experienced this yet, but he will start school next year and he has enough unique characteristics to make himself a target. So, maybe if we get involved with this group, we can help ourselves in the process.

Feeling Reckless

 

I am 99% sure it was a ruse to stay home, but last Wednesday Primero did not go to school because he feared an imminent school shooting. The Tuesday evening prior, another student, one Primero explained as “messy” sent a message to a group of other students asking them to keep an eye on him because he was “feeling reckless.” According to Primero, this young man has anger issues and his ex-girlfriend is escorted to class by security for her safety. Why this young man is allowed to continue attending school if he is threatening another student is beyond me. I don’t know how Primero made the leap from “feeling reckless” to school shooting, but he flat-out refused to attend school on Wednesday. I urged him, if he truly thought this young man was a threat to the school, to contact the authorities and prevent any harm to himself and his fellow students. Again, I believe this was a ploy to stay home and not a real potentially scary situation, but it made me angry that Primero would use such an emotionally charged  thing to avoid school. With something like 154 mass shootings in the US last year (this is a fact I heard at an anti-bullying event I recently attended), it simply isn’t something to joke about. Primero has refused to engage in any further discussion about it and insists he was protecting himself by staying home.