Trauma Informed, Racially Savvy

The first post-permanency group meeting at CHOR was with two lawyers. They talked to the small audience of me and another couple who has adopted through foster care about creating a will. There are a lot of intricacies involved in writing a will, especially if you have children. This is something I have been meaning to do since last year when I needed to indicate to the county who would be responsible for my children should anything make me unable to care for them. I don’t like revisiting this, but I must. The hardest thing for me is figuring out who would be not only willing but qualified to care for my children. Obviously, no one is me and therefore I cannot expect anyone to do exactly what I do. But, there are important key points that direct my decision.

 

First of all, the person or persons would need to be known to my children. It would need to be someone who understands their special needs and would be willing to continue the therapies the little ones need. Not only that, but assuming I am not around, the children will be faced with another trauma and whoever becomes their guardian would need to help them through that using professionals in trauma-informed therapy. The potential guardian, assuming they are white, would also need to have an understanding of racism in America and be willing and able to help my kids navigate their world as black kids with a white family. It would be important to me that the guardian continue to forge a relationship with the kids biological family, allowing them to keep in touch and have visits when possible. This complicated list really leaves me with no one.

 

Honestly, there is not a single person or couple I know who would be willing or able to take on what I described. So, where does that leave me? Initially, I had asked my sister and brother-in-law. They tentatively agreed but I felt like I was twisting their arms and that isn’t a good place for anyone to find themselves – pushed into parenting children when that wasn’t part of their life plan. My parents are not an option, and, according to the lawyer who does this kind of thing for a living, it is not recommended listing someone a generation older than myself as guardian for my kids. Chances are, I will out-live them. This also eliminates my aunt and uncle because they are closer to my parents’ generation even if they are a few years younger. The only other potential option I can think of is my cousin, but she is in her early 20’s and living at home with her parents. She has some medical issues (nothing life-threatening) and her boyfriend is iffy for me. Not that I don’t like him, we just share radically different opinions on marijuana. As in, he is heavily involved in the new medicinal marijuana movement in our area and pushing for total legality. And I am not. I don’t know what their plans are for children or if that is even something on their radar right now. But, they do know the kids and I think they would do their best, if it’s something they would be willing to consider.  

 

My final option is Primero. He is intimately involved with the children and knows their behavioral issues better than anyone except me. He also understands the importance of keeping in touch with biological family. His current age and employment status make him an unlikely choice, but hopefully this is all conjecture and not something that ever needs to be invoked. I have listed all three children on my pension, equally shared and I intend to ask my sister to be the executor of my will, meaning she would hold the purse strings and hopefully keep everything fair. I haven’t really had the chance to sit and talk to Primero about the idea, but we have plans to see a movie together the end of this month, so if we make it dinner and a movie, we should have time to discuss the topic. And, we could talk about who would be available to help him out, like my sister and cousin, should the unspeakable occur and I am unable to care for Chica Marie and Love Bug. If Primero is unwilling, I will really need to get creative because, as I mentioned, the list of potentially trauma-informed, race-savvy people is frighteningly short. Maybe I should look into inventing some life-giving serum that would keep me going should something happen. It seems like a more plausible option at this point….