Desperately Waiting

I’m in a better frame of mind today. I guess, once again, I found a way to pull myself up by my bootstraps and march on. I’m not saying that I feel all Pollyanna and sunshine, but I am not so doom and gloom like the previous two days. The nasty things are safely tucked away for the moment.

I am grateful to have a distraction this weekend with the two little kids I will be caring for coming tonight. I got a call from CHOR today asking me to take them again next Sunday, just during the day and I agreed. I reiterated my concerns about taking them as a foster placement and potentially losing out on a legal risk or adoption placement. And I was told again that I need to do what is best for me. I wish I didn’t have to make this decision. I keep hoping that between now and Monday I get a call for a placement and my decision will be made for me. I did have a call this afternoon for a placement of two babies, but before I could even wrap my head around it, CHOR called back and said the county found relatives to take them. So, perhaps I will get that call Monday……

I am struggling because I like these kids, they are funny and sweet and the little girl is naughty (she is so smart it gets her into trouble) and makes me laugh. It would be nice to have a distraction right now. And, according to CHOR, they will being going back to their mother sometime in the beginning of the year, so it would only be temporary. But, that would put me on-hold for my desire and goal to be moving in the direction of adoption. I realized, as I am thinking about this placement, that I have never said no to a placement CHOR has presented to me. Flaco said no on a few occasions, but I was always willing to give it a try.

Last night my family worker came over to renew my homestudy approval for the next year. We talked about the placements I have had over the past year and what my future goals are. I up-dated and emailed my new autobiography to her this morning – one that removed the “we” and focused on me. She said her supervisor had told her to be sure to praise me for all the great work I have done this year and how much they appreciate how easily I communicate with staff, that I implement their suggestions with the kids I have in my care, and how well I care for the children. She said they are so glad I stayed with them after the rocky start because I have done such a great job. It was nice to hear all of this and to know that what I do, all the effort I put forth, does not go un-noticed. I was surprised to hear they were glad I stayed because I was just so glad they didn’t kick me out! I’m thankful that this agency has been so kind to me and so supportive of the decisions I have made and that they acknowledge how hard it is to be a foster parent. It was nice to know the feelings were mutual!

So, I will see how things go this weekend and try to make up my mind about these two kids. I really don’t know which way to go, but I pray for wisdom in making a decision……

Where are you Christmas?

I needed some good news today. I got a follow up call on one of the potential legal risk placements from BCCYS and they turned me down. No surprise. And, this would have been a difficult case, due to some medical issues, so I’m not so upset about it. But, the second one, the one they called me about on Monday to let me know the county would be interviewing people, the one I think is perfect – CHOR has not heard anything and they are supposed to follow up today for information. I am trying to not let it get to me, but my current mental state is not a good one, so I’ve given up hope entirely for that placement and for a placement coming before Christmas (even though there is an entire week left before the “big” day).

For whatever reason, as I was cleaning the house last night in preparation for my home study, I found myself just sobbing and sobbing and sobbing. Mostly, I was feeling sorry for myself as I recounted all the pain I lived through this miserable year. I tried to put on happy Christmas music to boost my spirits but found myself painfully aware of just how many romantic Christmas songs there are – and those songs which are not romantic are child-centric. So, Christmas music was not helping. Flaco came over to give me some money for the whole car debacle and we ended up fighting. I told him he has lost the only person in the whole state who cares about him. Not a nice thing to say and I only felt worse for saying it. But, I have gotten to the point where I want nothing to do with him anymore. He has only caused me pain, issues, problems and more pain this entire year. I’m done. I don’t want that in my life anymore and so I don’t want him in my life anymore. But….. I need him to give me the money for the car. It is most likely totaled, but even without the $500 deductible, the car was impounded and the towing fees not to mention the $100 deposit for the rental car all adding up to a boatload of money I don’t have to spend.

I do have the option to take a placement for the two kids I had in respite a few weeks ago. They are coming to me again this weekend and when I was given the update for the BCCYS placements, this was brought up again as an option. The family who has the children now feel like they cannot deal with the three year old's behavioral issues because she does not listen very well and is very head-strong. The baby is no problem at all, but he is generally eclipsed by his sister. So, my worries are twofold – one being the behavioral issues, although when I had them two weeks ago, I didn’t think it was any worse than that of the two girls I had in November. The foster dad told me they would soon be returning to their mother, which I guess is why I would consider taking them, since it would most likely be short-term. But, as I explained to CHOR this morning, I worry that I will miss out on a potential legal risk placement if I take them in.

I wish I had the strength to find a kernel of hope and optimism right now, but I feel so beat up and battered by life that all I want is to not feel anything at all. I would like to spend the rest of this year in a blissfully unconscious state. I don’t want to have to make hard decisions or figure out how to make 2+2= 10 or worry that there must be something I am doing so wrong to be causing me to be having all this strife in my life. When will the bad end? When are the good things going to start happening? Ba humbug!

Two Calls, One Wrecked Car

So, my last post was about a placement for three little kids. Today CHOR called to let me know these children went somewhere else and I was glad to hear that – having a three year old sleeping in my room was not something I was really looking forward to because it would probably mean having a three year old sleeping with me. But, I digress. The other tidbit of news was that I am still in the running for a placement from BCCYS. I was called a week ago Friday about two placements from BCCYS and only now has the county made the decision that one of those placements is going to be moved. They are going to begin scheduling interviews for the legal risk placement. There is no guarantee I will be called for an interview, but I had given up on hearing anything on this referral, so I am glad to at least know that it’s not a done deal. I don’t want to get too excited about it because I think the placement is perfect and I don’t want to deal with the emotional fall-out if the county does not choose me.

But, this tiny tidbit of news was very welcomed after the horrific weekend I had. Stupidly, I let Flaco borrow my car Friday night and now I don’t have a car. It is smashed and currently missing (probably hauled off by the police because we could not get it fast enough). My insurance gave me a rental and I have so much to figure out now. I had just paid this car off the beginning of September. Flaco promises to get me a decent car, but he has proven time and time again his word means nothing. I just need this craptastic year to come to an end, like NOW! And wouldn’t it be lovely if it would end with a happy placement for legal risk?

This weekend I am doing respite again, for the same two kids I had a few weeks ago - a girl age 3 and a boy age one. This phone call came before the one I mentioned above. Apparently, the foster family who has these two kids has put in a 30 days’ notice, asking for the children to be moved. CHOR wanted to know if I would be willing to take the kids on a full-time basis, but this would be a foster care placement. I am supposed to see how things go this weekend and let them know next Monday. At least it would give me kids for Christmas! But, I’m worried it could jeopardize my opportunity for a legal risk placement. I guess I have a lot to think about as I try to track down my broken and destroyed vehicle…….

Threesome

So, my feeling that I would be getting a call this week was right. I got a call yesterday afternoon during my lunch. But, rather than feeling excited and hopeful, I felt trepidation. CHOR called me for a sibling group placement – three children twins aged 5 and a 3 year old. My house is tiny. I have only one room for me and one room for a child/children. The child room is very small. Painfully small. And the closet is full of all my clothing and winter shoes because they do not fit in the closet in my bedroom. There is a dresser blocking half of the closet door because with a twin bed and a crib/toddler bed there is no other room for a dresser. It was suggested the three year old could be in my room. That would be less than ideal…..

I have a hard time saying no, this is my problem. The children are already in foster care and the county wanted to move them to a home considering legal risk because they feel the case is moving in that direction. I had three kids before and I managed just fine. But, in my heart of hearts I want a baby! And taking on three kids permanently is HUGE! I know my parents will think I’ve lost my ever-loving mind. They had three kids and they can attest to the hardships involved in raising three kids.

I feel so conflicted! I hate to have any child be without a loving home and I think this is my problem. I know that I can love and care for children, I know I can give them stability and a happy home. And to think that any child should grow up without these basic necessities makes my heart ache. As a friend put it, “if only your heart and your love could equate square footage.” Yes, if only. Another friend of mine has a toddler bed I can get which would be easier to put in my bedroom that the bulky crib/toddler bed (it has an attached dresser that makes it quite large), should these children come to me. But, I would still need to find a twin bed and the best thing would be for me to get a bunk bed and free up some floor space in that room. Then maybe the dresser will fit. But, the closet will always be full of my stuff and there will be no room for any other furniture in this bedroom. And the fact that this would be our permanent situation until my mortgage is no longer underwater or until I win the mega-lottery, is quite daunting.

I guess I had it in the back of my mind that God would work in some very mysterious way and one of the placements from BCCYS would come to me (I was called for two different placements last week). I was thinking it would be a lovely Christmas miracle and certainly would be the work of God because all human understanding points to BCCYS keeping me on the blacklist indefinitely. This new placement is not from BCCYS, they are from a different county. And, perhaps I am getting all worked up over nothing. I haven’t heard anything back yet, so maybe the other county found a more suitable home for these three little ones. I guess this is just a test for me to continue believing in faith that God will send the right baby/child to me. Please, Dear God, send me MY child, my baby, that I can love and nurture and KEEP. Amen.

All I Want for Christmas.....

I have it in my head that I will be getting a placement by Christmas. While it sounds nice, getting ideas like this into my head is also very dangerous because if it does not happen, I am all the more devastated. This happened when I had the notion that I wanted to have at least one child before I turned 30 and it didn’t pan out. I mean, I’m 31 now and I still don’t have a child! I wrote the other day about how I had taken it into my head that 2012 was going to be such a fantastic year – until it wasn’t and the bitter disappointment and pain was nearly unbearable. So, looking forward to getting a placement within the next 20 days; it could happen, but it also might not. Sometimes the waiting is more excruciating than anything else. The fact is, my phone could ring right now and I could be getting a call for a placement. But, even that does not guarantee I would end up with a child in my house – so many times I have gotten calls that never panned out. Sometimes I get excited about it and feel so let-down when it doesn’t happen, although I have gotten better about tempering my reaction to the calls, sometimes I let myself get carried away just imaging how great it would be. Now, though, it is different because the calls could be about a child that is my future son or daughter. There is more riding on the potential placement than simple foster care. Sometimes I find myself glancing at my phone as if willing it to ring. I just want the waiting to be over with! I have been waiting for nearly 4 years now!

Last night I had a training at CHOR and there was some discussion about when foster parents are asked to adopt the children they have been caring for in foster care. Some of the foster parents present stated that they have said no to adopting a child because it was such a huge decision and commitment that they just weren’t sure they were ready to undertake. It gave me pause, thinking that perhaps I have been too cavalier about adopting a child. But, we made a big decision to start a family in December of 2008. And I made a big decision recently when I decided I would like to pursue adoption alone. I don’t think I made these decisions without giving them a great deal of thought and I know for sure that I agonized over the latest decision because I truly want the children who are such innocent victims caught in the big nasty system to have the very, very best. I worried that a single mother would not be offering them the very, very best and I am still only 90% convinced it is ok for me to be a single parent (some days I get closer to 95 or 99% sure). But, it was good to hear this information and to be reminded that this is a great big deal!

Tomorrow (12/6) will mark the official year since “we” were initially approved as foster-to-adopt parents. I can’t believe that it has been a year already! And yet, it seems like it was a life-time ago that I was so innocently excited about adopting a baby – before everything awful that happened. I have told myself over and over again that what does not kill me only makes me stronger and even I am surprised at just how strong and resilient I can be. I have heard from people close to me that they weren’t sure I would be able to handle the dual pain of losing a marriage and a baby within weeks of one another. Trust me, those are dark, dark days I don’t ever want to experience again. And I feel like right now I am so, so, so, so close to something so wonderful and great, but it still remains maddeningly elusive. I want to wake up every morning believing that this is the day that something amazing is going to happen and go to bed every night without bitterness if it does not occur. When my mind turns to babies, as it very often does, I say a quick little prayer for God to send my baby to me. But, it is such a fine line between positive expectation and delusional obsession…… Perhaps I need to stop thinking about it for awhile, which is nearly impossible after 4 years of thinking daily about becoming a mother……

Last night I finally replaced all my summer shoes with my winter shoes. I had started the arduous task and nearly stopped in the middle but then I thought to myself, “I could get a call tomorrow and need to have this room (my shoes are in the closet of the “baby’s room because my closet cannot hold them all) ready to go, so it’s better for me to get all these shoes put away and the summer shoes put back in the basement.” I don’t know if it is a good thing or a bad thing to think like that, but it is much better to be over-prepared than not prepared at all, right? Last night I washed the last of the cloth diapers the baby had used and it made me a little sad – I miss her so much! But, I told myself that the diapers would be clean for MY baby that is coming (soon!). I miss having the girls around, making noise, running to me for hugs and kisses. I miss lugging them and all their stuff to the farm on the weekends to spend time with my parents. I miss their silly antics in the bath tub at night and their imaginative book readings before bed. I miss snuggling with the baby at night when the older girls were asleep and it was just the two of us. I miss giving her a bath and watching her little face react to the warm water as she wiggled and wiggled to get out of the wet. I ardently pray that God will send me a little baby that will be all mine. I pray that the path to adoption will not be rife with more heartache. I pray that I don’t need to get any stronger because I think I must be approaching diamond status by now…….

It's December Already?

     Yes, it is December. And that John Lennon song "So This is Christmas" keeps playing in my mind. "So this is Christmas? And what have you done? Another year over and a new one just begun." I re-read the post I wrote last December 29th about how positive I was that 2012 was going to be stellar, "off the charts and totally rocking" to quote myself. I was so sure 2012 would end our infertility battle and I felt that I was getting to a really good place personally and spiritually. I felt like I had come through whatever I needed to get through and that it was all going to be easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy from there on out....... Not so much.......

     I am feeling better than I was last week at this time. Last Monday was my last night with the three girls I had for nearly a month. My last night getting up to feed and change the baby, my last sloppy dinner, the last bubble bath and book time.... But enough about that! This past weekend I had two little kids for respite (kind of like foster care baby-sitting) and it was nice to be busy and not all up in my head. And two kids is easier than three kids! The only stressor was thatwhile were at a church meeting one of the children who was lactose intolerant got ahold of some cheese and a Spanish pudding that is made of various kinds of milk products..... But, she was ok afterwards so I guess it wasn't such a big deal!

     I did get a call last week for two different potential placements for legal risk. But, they were both from Berks County, so I'm not holding my breath. Even the worker from CHOR admitted that this county holds a grudge - nice right? Like I'm some monster who did some terrible thing? Please! At least it was encouraging to get calls only a few days after the girls left and after I notified CHOR of my decision to change to legal risk/adoption. I'm glad they are ok with the change. They just need me to re-write my home profile, since it was written when I was a "we." It was also nice to hear some validation that I'm not some terrible ogre and that BCCYS is somewhat tyrannical. Plus, I was told that the staff at CHOR were impressed with how good I did with the three girls I just had. Good to know, although I hope they weren't waiting for some epic fail! I hope they knew all along I could handle it! My mom has told me the same thing, that her and my dad were impressed with how well I managed with three children under 6, including a newborn. I guess when you have been waiting and wanting something for long enough, nothing is impossible once you get it!

     Right now I am just carefully optimistic that I will have a placement before Christmas. Sadly, this time of year is when there are the most referrals..... I told my mom about the placement calls and she was so over-joyed at the idea of a placement by Christmas that it almost made me cry. I told her there was no guarantee. It would be wonderful - a perfect Christmas miracle! But, I cannot lose anymore of my heart by putting all my hope in that thought. Last year, I was so excitedly awaiting a phone call that would change my life. While that might still happen, I need to distance myself from those over-zealous feelings of exuberance. Better to temper hope with a healthy dash of reality. Could the Lord work in mysterious ways and send one of those placements from Berks County to me? Why sure He can! He's the omnipotent God of the entire universe! Will He do that? I don't know. I have prayed that He will but as much as I have tried this past year, I cannot out-pray God's will for a certain situation. Much like a tiny life raft caught in the swells of a raging hurricane, all I can do is hold on for dear life as the world spins out of control around me.

     This weekend we are making Christmas cookies and it is my sister's birthday. Again, I am glad to have a distraction. I do need to work on getting the house back in order before my next potential placement, but I also need some quiet down time to heal emotionally and spiritually. I'll get around to the cleaning...... I have decided not to get a Christmas tree this year, nor will I be putting up any outside decorations except maybe a wreath on the door. I would rather concentrate more on what I have to be grateful for than worry about getting things decorated..... Besides, my mom does enough decorating for two houses! I will enjoy her decorations - I always loved our house at Christmas time! Candles in the windows, the stairway banister decorated with garland and our three stockings, the smell of the tree, everything just so beautiful! So, I will just take the time to enjoy the simple things and count the days until the worst year of my life ends and a new year with new hope begins.

The Lord Giveth and The Lord Taketh Away

2012 is not a year I would ever wish to relive. The year that started out with such incredible optimism quickly turned into a string of the hardest trials I have ever faced. After being placed with a precious two year old boy, ready for adoption, Flaco decided he didn’t want to adopt this boy because his skin color was not the same as ours. And then, he decided he no longer wanted to be married and he walked away. After my fumbling attempt to adopt the baby by myself, I was left crumbled and broken, and more alone than I have ever been in my entire life. With the gentle guidance of our Lord, I trudged through the immense pain. I soldiered on. After a few months I was given another placement for foster care. An older child this time. We spent the summer together before her behaviors became too stressful and too much for me to bear. She left the beginning of October. It wasn’t long before I was getting calls again but nothing panned out until the beginning of November. Then three little girls were placed in my home, one being a newborn. It seemed like my prayers had been answered – I never thought I would have the opportunity to care for and love a newborn baby. It is somewhat rare that such a tiny infant is placed in foster care. I fell in love almost instantly. With guidance and firm rules, the other girls were also coming around and beginning to be less holy terrors and more sweet little girls. But, now I find myself once again agonizing over the departure of precious little babies. This past Tuesday they went go to live with a relative – someone who has not cared enough to help the older girls in the past 4-5 years and who wasn’t there for the new baby, yet this relative got all three girls. I can’t start down the “it’s-not-fair!” road because it only begins a vicious, “poor me!” cycle that does me no good. I don’t get to choose how this story ends, I can only do my part to provide some stability and love while I am in it.

I find my faith is being tested yet again. How can I believe that God has a good plan for my life when every time I think I see the light at the end of this emotional tunnel I get yanked back in again? How can I believe that the perfect plan for these girls is to be with a relative that might be only slightly better than their mother? How can I believe there is a more perfect baby for me out there than the precious little angel I already had? If I stop and let myself think about it, my heart will shatter into a million little pieces. Maybe God is just trying to tell me I am not supposed to be a mother. Maybe He is allowing me to go through all this emotional angst so I will understand that it is not His plan for me. Yet, thinking of a future with no children seems so hallow and pointless to me. I just don’t think I would want to live a life in which I never get to be a mommy. But, look at all the evidence piling up! First, I spend three years trying to get pregnant, taking medicine, visiting various doctors, enduring numerous procedures – and not once, not ever, did I get pregnant. So, then we tried to adopt and well, that epic fail is listed above, followed by two more failed placements. To be fair, after the loss of the baby the beginning of the year, I was so shaken and unsure not to mention grateful that CHOR didn’t kick me out, that I stated I was open to doing just foster care. I guess I figured no one would give me a baby because I am a single woman; after all, that was the reason they took the baby from me, because Flaco left and I was now a single parent. But, after this most recent loss, I simply cannot go through it again. I need a placement to be either legal risk or for adoption because my heart cannot take another loss. And, not only are my emotions shredded, but so are my parents hearts. My mom fell in love with this baby the second she saw her. She has already wept on several occasions about the girls being moved and so quickly. My parents want a grandchild as much as I want a child. So, I need to go back to being just a legal risk or adoption household; for their sanity and mine.

So, the holiday season is upon us. Thanksgiving was last week. I am thankful to have had the girls for Thanksgiving and I hope and pray I will have a little one by Christmas. I am thankful for my health and that God has been providing for me financially this year. I have managed to make my mortgage payment every month and I even paid off my car loan! I am thankful that CHOR has kept me as a foster mother and I am grateful for my parent’s help and guidance. I am thankful for the wonderful church I attend and for the terrific friends I have, who stepped into help me get clothing and toys for the girls who came with nothing. I thank God for the strength to endure all that has happened this past year and for His continued grace for me to go forward. I pray for continued strength and wisdom and for a much, much better 2013.