Threesome

So, my feeling that I would be getting a call this week was right. I got a call yesterday afternoon during my lunch. But, rather than feeling excited and hopeful, I felt trepidation. CHOR called me for a sibling group placement – three children twins aged 5 and a 3 year old. My house is tiny. I have only one room for me and one room for a child/children. The child room is very small. Painfully small. And the closet is full of all my clothing and winter shoes because they do not fit in the closet in my bedroom. There is a dresser blocking half of the closet door because with a twin bed and a crib/toddler bed there is no other room for a dresser. It was suggested the three year old could be in my room. That would be less than ideal…..

I have a hard time saying no, this is my problem. The children are already in foster care and the county wanted to move them to a home considering legal risk because they feel the case is moving in that direction. I had three kids before and I managed just fine. But, in my heart of hearts I want a baby! And taking on three kids permanently is HUGE! I know my parents will think I’ve lost my ever-loving mind. They had three kids and they can attest to the hardships involved in raising three kids.

I feel so conflicted! I hate to have any child be without a loving home and I think this is my problem. I know that I can love and care for children, I know I can give them stability and a happy home. And to think that any child should grow up without these basic necessities makes my heart ache. As a friend put it, “if only your heart and your love could equate square footage.” Yes, if only. Another friend of mine has a toddler bed I can get which would be easier to put in my bedroom that the bulky crib/toddler bed (it has an attached dresser that makes it quite large), should these children come to me. But, I would still need to find a twin bed and the best thing would be for me to get a bunk bed and free up some floor space in that room. Then maybe the dresser will fit. But, the closet will always be full of my stuff and there will be no room for any other furniture in this bedroom. And the fact that this would be our permanent situation until my mortgage is no longer underwater or until I win the mega-lottery, is quite daunting.

I guess I had it in the back of my mind that God would work in some very mysterious way and one of the placements from BCCYS would come to me (I was called for two different placements last week). I was thinking it would be a lovely Christmas miracle and certainly would be the work of God because all human understanding points to BCCYS keeping me on the blacklist indefinitely. This new placement is not from BCCYS, they are from a different county. And, perhaps I am getting all worked up over nothing. I haven’t heard anything back yet, so maybe the other county found a more suitable home for these three little ones. I guess this is just a test for me to continue believing in faith that God will send the right baby/child to me. Please, Dear God, send me MY child, my baby, that I can love and nurture and KEEP. Amen.