Be Careful what You Wish for

Don’t “they” say to be careful what you wish for because you just might get it? Well, I was hoping that I would not need to make the decision about the two children I had for respite care this weekend (to decide to foster for them for the next several months, knocking myself out of the running for a legal risk placement). I was hoping I would get a call for a placement. Well, I did get a call during lunch today. But, rather than having me jump for joy, it has me again in a quandary.

A year ago, when I began the process to adopt, I understood that if I only wanted an infant I might be waiting a long time for a placement. So, I reluctantly agreed to accept the placement of a child up to age 3. Then, I had a 2 year old and I fell in love and it didn’t matter than he wasn’t an infant. But, last month I got my heart’s desire – I was given a newborn, not yet two weeks old. It was only a temporary placement and it was the emotional trauma of this sibling group being moved that served as the catalyst for me to finally say, “no more foster care for the moment – I want to be a permanent mommy.” I have been called with 4 different placements before today and they were almost all for toddlers and babies. Today I got a call for two boys who are not babies, they are not even in diapers, in fact, one is in first grade! They are in foster care already and their case has now moved to legal risk. I will meet them tomorrow at the CHOR Christmas party. While it would be nice to not have to change diapers, I will feel like I am missing so much, especially when I already feel like I am missing out on the whole pregnancy thing too. Stupid things are in my mind, like, “I wonder how long they will call me by my name before they begin calling me ‘mom’,” and “I guess I won’t need all those cloth diapers I bought, or the crib, or the car seats, or the pack-n-play, or most of the toys I have collected.” My heart is heavy with this decision because I think I already know my answer – I want a baby. But, how will I make that call once I see their precious faces? How can I say “no” after I already know their names? They deserve a home just as much as a baby does.

I was talking to my mom this past weekend, trying to get her opinion about taking on the two respite kids as foster kids. She was not having the greatest day so it was not a terribly productive chat, but she did lecture me about being sure I am ready financially to take on a child, before I adopt, and she thought taking just one would be best. Because of this whole car issue, my finances (so precarious already) are again teetering on the brink – my own personal fiscal cliff, if you will – but, I am gainfully employed and I have managed to hold on for nearly a year now. Really, there is no place for my finances to go but up. It is a worry, but the foster-to-adopt process is not a quick one, so I will have time to get everything squared away. The only-take-one idea is a valid one, me being alone and all, but ever since my two single placements, I have only had one call for a single child. All the other calls have been for sibling groups. And, the agencies will not break up siblings if they can help it, so I will lose out on a lot of placements if I say “just one please.” Ideally, I would like to have a child that is 2-3 and an infant. That would be my ideal situation.

So, as this grueling journey continues, I must now decide if I can once again change my “dream” to accept two boys who are not babies or if I will wait until something closer to my ideal shows up. I wish things were easier. I wish this process didn’t have to be so hard. I wish my heart didn’t ache for each and every child I hear about. I wish I didn’t have to go through this at all……..