I have it in my head that I will be getting a placement by Christmas. While it sounds nice, getting ideas like this into my head is also very dangerous because if it does not happen, I am all the more devastated. This happened when I had the notion that I wanted to have at least one child before I turned 30 and it didn’t pan out. I mean, I’m 31 now and I still don’t have a child! I wrote the other day about how I had taken it into my head that 2012 was going to be such a fantastic year – until it wasn’t and the bitter disappointment and pain was nearly unbearable. So, looking forward to getting a placement within the next 20 days; it could happen, but it also might not. Sometimes the waiting is more excruciating than anything else. The fact is, my phone could ring right now and I could be getting a call for a placement. But, even that does not guarantee I would end up with a child in my house – so many times I have gotten calls that never panned out. Sometimes I get excited about it and feel so let-down when it doesn’t happen, although I have gotten better about tempering my reaction to the calls, sometimes I let myself get carried away just imaging how great it would be. Now, though, it is different because the calls could be about a child that is my future son or daughter. There is more riding on the potential placement than simple foster care. Sometimes I find myself glancing at my phone as if willing it to ring. I just want the waiting to be over with! I have been waiting for nearly 4 years now!
Last night I had a training at CHOR and there was some discussion about when foster parents are asked to adopt the children they have been caring for in foster care. Some of the foster parents present stated that they have said no to adopting a child because it was such a huge decision and commitment that they just weren’t sure they were ready to undertake. It gave me pause, thinking that perhaps I have been too cavalier about adopting a child. But, we made a big decision to start a family in December of 2008. And I made a big decision recently when I decided I would like to pursue adoption alone. I don’t think I made these decisions without giving them a great deal of thought and I know for sure that I agonized over the latest decision because I truly want the children who are such innocent victims caught in the big nasty system to have the very, very best. I worried that a single mother would not be offering them the very, very best and I am still only 90% convinced it is ok for me to be a single parent (some days I get closer to 95 or 99% sure). But, it was good to hear this information and to be reminded that this is a great big deal!
Tomorrow (12/6) will mark the official year since “we” were initially approved as foster-to-adopt parents. I can’t believe that it has been a year already! And yet, it seems like it was a life-time ago that I was so innocently excited about adopting a baby – before everything awful that happened. I have told myself over and over again that what does not kill me only makes me stronger and even I am surprised at just how strong and resilient I can be. I have heard from people close to me that they weren’t sure I would be able to handle the dual pain of losing a marriage and a baby within weeks of one another. Trust me, those are dark, dark days I don’t ever want to experience again. And I feel like right now I am so, so, so, so close to something so wonderful and great, but it still remains maddeningly elusive. I want to wake up every morning believing that this is the day that something amazing is going to happen and go to bed every night without bitterness if it does not occur. When my mind turns to babies, as it very often does, I say a quick little prayer for God to send my baby to me. But, it is such a fine line between positive expectation and delusional obsession…… Perhaps I need to stop thinking about it for awhile, which is nearly impossible after 4 years of thinking daily about becoming a mother……
Last night I finally replaced all my summer shoes with my winter shoes. I had started the arduous task and nearly stopped in the middle but then I thought to myself, “I could get a call tomorrow and need to have this room (my shoes are in the closet of the “baby’s room because my closet cannot hold them all) ready to go, so it’s better for me to get all these shoes put away and the summer shoes put back in the basement.” I don’t know if it is a good thing or a bad thing to think like that, but it is much better to be over-prepared than not prepared at all, right? Last night I washed the last of the cloth diapers the baby had used and it made me a little sad – I miss her so much! But, I told myself that the diapers would be clean for MY baby that is coming (soon!). I miss having the girls around, making noise, running to me for hugs and kisses. I miss lugging them and all their stuff to the farm on the weekends to spend time with my parents. I miss their silly antics in the bath tub at night and their imaginative book readings before bed. I miss snuggling with the baby at night when the older girls were asleep and it was just the two of us. I miss giving her a bath and watching her little face react to the warm water as she wiggled and wiggled to get out of the wet. I ardently pray that God will send me a little baby that will be all mine. I pray that the path to adoption will not be rife with more heartache. I pray that I don’t need to get any stronger because I think I must be approaching diamond status by now…….
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