Ring phone! Ring!

Last night was the CHOR Christmas party. I was very nice and they had a lovely program for the kids, including a visit from Santa who handed out gifts for the children. The boys I was supposed to meet did not come to the event, so I did not meet them. But, yesterday afternoon I got a call for a different placement of three little girls again. It’s very confusing to have so many potential options on the table. Late this afternoon I got a call stating the county said they don't need a placement for the girls. It was a foster care placement so similar to the one that I had in November I think that is the only reason I said yes……

My hopes for a placement before Christmas are dwindling. Just another lesson that things don’t happen on my timing, I suppose. Sure, there are still two days left to this week and there is still the weekend – who knows, right? And I have been getting calls, every week I get at least one call for a placement. It’s just that nothing seems to pan out. I should be used to it by now, shouldn’t I? I should be taking these things in stride and letting what will be, be. But, that is contradictory to my nature. I’m not as type A as my sister, but I still do like to have a semblance of a working plan. The waiting for answers is sometimes blessedly short and other times excruciatingly long. Sometimes, rather than a yea or nay answer about a placement, I get a call for another placement, indicating the previous placement is a no-go. Sometimes I feel so strongly I will “get” a certain placement and sometimes I am kind of ok when I do not. Other times there are placements that haunt me because I stupidly dared to dream about what it would be like to have them with me. The most recent was a BCCYS legal risk placement for a 2 year old and 2 month old – exactly the placement I want! For whatever reason, it was not meant to be. And so I wait; impatiently and cautiously hopeful, I wait for “my” baby(s) to find his/her way into my arms. Soon. Maybe before the new year? Staring at my phone does not make it ring….. I should find a hobby to take up my time so I am not obsessing over this each and every day. I do try to keep busy and involved with other things, but there are moments of downtime in which my mind wanders back to thinking about when I might get a call for a placement that will eventually become my child…… Sometimes it’s nice to just daydream about how things will or could be. Other times it is agonizing to think that no matter how much my heart desires for certain things to happen, they don’t seem to be going that way at this point in time…… Ring phone! Ring!