2012 is not a year I would ever wish to relive. The year that started out with such incredible optimism quickly turned into a string of the hardest trials I have ever faced. After being placed with a precious two year old boy, ready for adoption, Flaco decided he didn’t want to adopt this boy because his skin color was not the same as ours. And then, he decided he no longer wanted to be married and he walked away. After my fumbling attempt to adopt the baby by myself, I was left crumbled and broken, and more alone than I have ever been in my entire life. With the gentle guidance of our Lord, I trudged through the immense pain. I soldiered on. After a few months I was given another placement for foster care. An older child this time. We spent the summer together before her behaviors became too stressful and too much for me to bear. She left the beginning of October. It wasn’t long before I was getting calls again but nothing panned out until the beginning of November. Then three little girls were placed in my home, one being a newborn. It seemed like my prayers had been answered – I never thought I would have the opportunity to care for and love a newborn baby. It is somewhat rare that such a tiny infant is placed in foster care. I fell in love almost instantly. With guidance and firm rules, the other girls were also coming around and beginning to be less holy terrors and more sweet little girls. But, now I find myself once again agonizing over the departure of precious little babies. This past Tuesday they went go to live with a relative – someone who has not cared enough to help the older girls in the past 4-5 years and who wasn’t there for the new baby, yet this relative got all three girls. I can’t start down the “it’s-not-fair!” road because it only begins a vicious, “poor me!” cycle that does me no good. I don’t get to choose how this story ends, I can only do my part to provide some stability and love while I am in it.
I find my faith is being tested yet again. How can I believe that God has a good plan for my life when every time I think I see the light at the end of this emotional tunnel I get yanked back in again? How can I believe that the perfect plan for these girls is to be with a relative that might be only slightly better than their mother? How can I believe there is a more perfect baby for me out there than the precious little angel I already had? If I stop and let myself think about it, my heart will shatter into a million little pieces. Maybe God is just trying to tell me I am not supposed to be a mother. Maybe He is allowing me to go through all this emotional angst so I will understand that it is not His plan for me. Yet, thinking of a future with no children seems so hallow and pointless to me. I just don’t think I would want to live a life in which I never get to be a mommy. But, look at all the evidence piling up! First, I spend three years trying to get pregnant, taking medicine, visiting various doctors, enduring numerous procedures – and not once, not ever, did I get pregnant. So, then we tried to adopt and well, that epic fail is listed above, followed by two more failed placements. To be fair, after the loss of the baby the beginning of the year, I was so shaken and unsure not to mention grateful that CHOR didn’t kick me out, that I stated I was open to doing just foster care. I guess I figured no one would give me a baby because I am a single woman; after all, that was the reason they took the baby from me, because Flaco left and I was now a single parent. But, after this most recent loss, I simply cannot go through it again. I need a placement to be either legal risk or for adoption because my heart cannot take another loss. And, not only are my emotions shredded, but so are my parents hearts. My mom fell in love with this baby the second she saw her. She has already wept on several occasions about the girls being moved and so quickly. My parents want a grandchild as much as I want a child. So, I need to go back to being just a legal risk or adoption household; for their sanity and mine.
So, the holiday season is upon us. Thanksgiving was last week. I am thankful to have had the girls for Thanksgiving and I hope and pray I will have a little one by Christmas. I am thankful for my health and that God has been providing for me financially this year. I have managed to make my mortgage payment every month and I even paid off my car loan! I am thankful that CHOR has kept me as a foster mother and I am grateful for my parent’s help and guidance. I am thankful for the wonderful church I attend and for the terrific friends I have, who stepped into help me get clothing and toys for the girls who came with nothing. I thank God for the strength to endure all that has happened this past year and for His continued grace for me to go forward. I pray for continued strength and wisdom and for a much, much better 2013.
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