I needed some good news today. I got a follow up call on one of the potential legal risk placements from BCCYS and they turned me down. No surprise. And, this would have been a difficult case, due to some medical issues, so I’m not so upset about it. But, the second one, the one they called me about on Monday to let me know the county would be interviewing people, the one I think is perfect – CHOR has not heard anything and they are supposed to follow up today for information. I am trying to not let it get to me, but my current mental state is not a good one, so I’ve given up hope entirely for that placement and for a placement coming before Christmas (even though there is an entire week left before the “big” day).
For whatever reason, as I was cleaning the house last night in preparation for my home study, I found myself just sobbing and sobbing and sobbing. Mostly, I was feeling sorry for myself as I recounted all the pain I lived through this miserable year. I tried to put on happy Christmas music to boost my spirits but found myself painfully aware of just how many romantic Christmas songs there are – and those songs which are not romantic are child-centric. So, Christmas music was not helping. Flaco came over to give me some money for the whole car debacle and we ended up fighting. I told him he has lost the only person in the whole state who cares about him. Not a nice thing to say and I only felt worse for saying it. But, I have gotten to the point where I want nothing to do with him anymore. He has only caused me pain, issues, problems and more pain this entire year. I’m done. I don’t want that in my life anymore and so I don’t want him in my life anymore. But….. I need him to give me the money for the car. It is most likely totaled, but even without the $500 deductible, the car was impounded and the towing fees not to mention the $100 deposit for the rental car all adding up to a boatload of money I don’t have to spend.
I do have the option to take a placement for the two kids I had in respite a few weeks ago. They are coming to me again this weekend and when I was given the update for the BCCYS placements, this was brought up again as an option. The family who has the children now feel like they cannot deal with the three year old's behavioral issues because she does not listen very well and is very head-strong. The baby is no problem at all, but he is generally eclipsed by his sister. So, my worries are twofold – one being the behavioral issues, although when I had them two weeks ago, I didn’t think it was any worse than that of the two girls I had in November. The foster dad told me they would soon be returning to their mother, which I guess is why I would consider taking them, since it would most likely be short-term. But, as I explained to CHOR this morning, I worry that I will miss out on a potential legal risk placement if I take them in.
I wish I had the strength to find a kernel of hope and optimism right now, but I feel so beat up and battered by life that all I want is to not feel anything at all. I would like to spend the rest of this year in a blissfully unconscious state. I don’t want to have to make hard decisions or figure out how to make 2+2= 10 or worry that there must be something I am doing so wrong to be causing me to be having all this strife in my life. When will the bad end? When are the good things going to start happening? Ba humbug!
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