My Breaking Point

If you thought my before Christmas post was a downer, wait until you get a load of this one……

 

Let me try to start at the beginning. Christmas Eve I worked a partial day since we were allowed to leave work 3 hours early. I picked up the little ones at the foster home who watched them since the day care was closed, then drove home to get Primero and we set out on our journey to pick up Hermano. It was a yucky, rainy day and our trip felt like it would never end. We met Hermano’s new foster mom (who is completely lovely and a vast improvement from his last resource home, I might add), used the bathroom and got back on the road. The foster mom and I had a rushed exchange when Hermano took Primero upstairs to see his bedroom. Apparently, Hermano told the foster mom that his girlfriend was having his baby and that he wanted to propose to her over Christmas. Oh my! This chickadee is one hot mess and he is stupidly head-over-heels for her. But, there’s no stopping stupid, especially when it’s backed by years of dysfunction. So, when Hermano asked (actually, he had his foster mother call and ask me) to see his girlfriend I suggested he ask her to come to his uncle’s place Christmas night, since we were invited to go there.

We arrived a little after 8 and the party had been underway for most of the day by that point. At first, the boys’ uncle took Hermano out into the hallway to talk him out of the proposal. Apparently bio mom told the family of what Hermano planned to do and the uncle, like any rational adult, thought it wasn’t the greatest idea. According to the foster mom, bio mom agreed to allow Hermano to marry the girl (did I mention she is pregnant with some other kids baby?) because quote “she didn’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him no.” That’s some stellar parenting right there folks. A+ all the way. (If you sense the sarcasm, you will soon find out why I’m feeling so jaded). The uncle suggested Hermano make it a promise ring (the ring is a fake btw – the foster mom told me she helped him pick it out online and insisted he tell her it’s a fake, which he didn’t), but he was undeterred. I cannot tell you just how awkward the moment was. I wanted to hide my face, I wanted to grab the kids and run. His uncle was recording it on his phone and his mom seemed just tickled pink as he mumbled to his girlfriend (with her button-down shirt literally busting at the seams over her giant tummy), asking her how much she loved him. No one heard him actually ask the question but she said yes and he slipped the ring on her finger. It was terrible. The oldest brother ran out of the room because he was so disgusted and distraught. Nearly every other family member followed him, including Primero, yet the brother refused to talk to anyone and sped off in his car. It just made the awkward moment a total buzz-kill.

In addition to the ridiculous proposal, I was feeling especially like a fish-out-of-water because bio mom was there. She, like Primero, seems to think we need to be bff’s. Um, no. And after the stunt a few weeks ago, a big fat NO. I was civil, but not talkative nor very gregarious. I was fairly miserable, in fact. If I can be completely honest here, I despise that I had to share my first Christmas with kids with her. I know, I’m supposed to be the bigger person. I’m supposed to be open to having a working relationship with her, to fostering a relationship between her and Primero. But, the truth is, I don’t want to do that. Luckily, she didn’t try to talk to me too much and only said one rude thing. Primero must have told her my business, that I can’t have any of my own children, because she said, “Look here at [my name]. She can’t have any of her own and now she’s got three.” Meaning the children living in my home. Nice. Thanks for reminding me, I almost forgot I can’t have any biological  children. Good thing you were there to remind me. So, the whole awkward, miserable night came to a close and we all trouped home to bed.

Fast forward  to yesterday. After church we were in Sheetz and Primero said to me he had something he wanted to tell me, but he didn’t know how. Ugh! This always turns into something not great, like the last time when he told me he had seen his bio mom without permission. He said he was feeling unsure about something. I guessed a few things before asking, “getting adopted?” And he nodded his head yes. That’s right, after one brief Christmas encounter with “all his family together” Primero is no longer sure about getting adopted by me. He had such a good time with “all his family” that I guess he thinks they could make a it a permanent thing. And he’s worried about how his family would treat him if he was adopted. I don’t know what bullshit has been slopped into his head, but I’m totally ruined. I cried most of the day yesterday after he told me all of this and now I’m just feeling defeated. With the news from court last week and now this, I feel like my world is crumbling down around me again. And I just don’t think I will be strong enough to lose it all again. I ever so stupidly thought *this* was really happening,  that I was actually lucky enough to be a mother to not just one, but three great kids, and now it seems like I will be a mother without  children once again. I come here to whine and to deal with the pain, so please don’t think I’m not taking care of Primero or not making sure he is getting his needs met regarding this issue. I have already emailed his case worker (who is out on vacation until next Monday) and his therapist so he can work though whatever confusion he is feeling, but this is my space to pour out my heart and how broken it is feeling. No, not just broken, destroyed. I feel hallow inside, like my everything is gone. And, sure, I’m being over-dramatic a bit, but if he had told me he hated me I think it would have hurt less. My greatest fear has always been losing him to the p.o.s. bio mom who couldn’t get her head out of her ass to make an appointment to see him (even when she wasn’t incarcerated). His tie to her it unbreakable, despite all the shit she’s put him through. His loyalty to her is as unbreakable as it is unfathomable. A few months ago Primero had told me he would rather be with me, he would choose me and never wanted to go back with his mother, unless he knew she was totally stable and they wouldn’t have to move around anymore. Was that a lie? Was it just what I wanted to hear? I don’t know anymore. I just don’t know. Friends at work think I should reconsider adopting Primero, since he clearly is having second thoughts and might turn around and disappear after the adoption. I made a promise to Primero that I would not change my mind and I haven’t. But, if he’s unwilling to be adopted, I’m not sure what I will do. I asked Primero’s case worker to have a weekend kid free after the new year to think and regroup. Not once in the last 10 months have I had Primero in respite over-night but now I think I need some time to myself before I totally lose it.

I really should have known better. There’s no way I could be so lucky as to get all these kids and then be able to keep them all. But, I just don’t think I can go on if they all leave. I’ve invested too much of myself, I let myself get too comfortable with the idea that we are all a family, no matter how ragtag we are. This is my breaking point. There’s no coming back from this, no ability to believe that waiting a little longer or trying again would make a difference. This would be the point where I walk away and start a new, child-free chapter. I can’t keep putting myself through this, I can’t keep pretending I’m ok with the pain and the loss because someday, one day soon, it will all be over and I will be giddy with the joys of motherhood. No, I’ve given too much to be able to recuperate from this great loss. I’ve invested too much of myself into these kids, especially Primero, and so if things go sideways I need to bow out and be done. The system will have won because I will be down for the count. There are no winners in foster care, just survivors…….    

Reunification

The little ones finally had court yesterday. I had all three siblings, including the older sister, because they were supposed to have a visit with their grandmother Sunday night. There was a communication issue and the visit didn’t happen and I ended up keeping the older sister from Saturday until court Monday morning. Monday it was the little girl’s birthday and so bio mom brought gifts to court. The girls turned into little gremlins once in their mother’s presence and they were obnoxious during court. A new court date was set in 6 weeks and the bio mom is hoping the children will be returned home at that point. The judge said they were making progress. My heart feels like a lead weight pulling me down. I cried when I put the baby to sleep last night. He’s my little boy. I don’t care that I’m supposed to be gung-ho about reunifying families, this is my baby. I’m the one who’s spent all these sleepless nights with a colicky baby. I’m the one he looks to for comfort when he’s cranky or doesn’t feel good. I can’t bear the thought of losing him. Even Primero acknowledges it would be heartbreaking if the little ones left. The case worker called me this morning to explain what happened in court because I was preoccupied with keeping three children quiet. She said the county case worker said the kids would only be sent home after the next court date if all the reports on bio mom are stellar. Just talking about sending the kids home makes me feel faint.

Small solace, but we heard that Hermano will be allowed to visit for both Christmas and New Year’s. I supposed the silver lining in the babies going home would be that space would open up for Hermano. But, last night Hermano put this long spcheal on his Facebook page about how awful it was that the county wouldn’t let him see his family for Christmas. Um, what? I guess we know where we rank.

I was so looking forward to my first Christmas with children and now I’m so over it. I’m tired and unsure, I’m scared and worried and I’m a little bitter and angry. I really, truly thought this was my time, these were my kids, this was my family. Never before yesterday has there been talk about the kids going home. It’s always been questionable, it’s always been an “if” – if they go home. Now, all of a sudden, we are talking about the actual possibility that if the bio mom can be on her best behavior for the next 6 weeks, the kids could be returned to her. There are no winners in foster care. There is no happily ever after.  

Unforseen Consequences

So, when Primero and I talked about this whole snafu with him seeing his mom without permission, I warned him that there would be consequences. We found out last night that one of those consequences is that Hermano might not be allowed to spend Christmas with us due to this little stunt. It’s a real shame that Hermano has to be punished for something Primero did, but he has brought more scrutiny onto our family and the powers that be now question my ability and authority in my home. Yes, that is the second consequence – the county now has reason to question my parenting abilities, since I obviously have no control over Primero (or so their thinking goes). Still, these unforeseen consequences are quite serious and I can only hope that the players involved in making decisions will be in a Christmas spirit to allow Hermano to visit. Primero asked about New Year’s, to have Hermano with us again to ring in 2015. I don’t know what will be decided, but I did get Hermano Christmas presents and so I asked, if he isn’t allowed to come, that there be some way for me to get his gifts to him. Primero’s case worker said she will push for the visit to happen because she knows both boys will be with me the entire time. I joked about going to the farm and that there’s really nowhere to run from there (it’s quite a distance out of town). And I explained what we had planned for New Year’s Eve – just something quiet at home, some movies and finger foods and sparkling cider to toast the New Year.

For me, the greater damage is how the county perceives our home situation. Clearly, if I cannot handle one teenager, there’s no way I could handle a second teenager. If Primero was able to go behind my back twice in one week, it does seem to point to an authority problem and his lack of respect for me and for my rules. Sure, the simple fact is most teenagers rebel in some small way or another, but foster families lives under an especially sharp microscope that swiftly condemns any errant act as indicative of massive systematic issues. Never mind that this is the first time Primero disobeyed in the 10 months he has lived with me. And don’t consider that he eventually did confess and did not totally conceal the truth. I have always known I was on thin ice with BCCYS and I have warned Primero about adding fodder to their arsenal. I know it would not take much to rekindle the old fire and I hope and pray we can escape this incident unscathed beyond the potential punishment meted out upon innocent Hermano. Primero’s adoption case seems to have stalled and I hope his little exploit does not further halt the process. As a friend put it, there are worse things Primero could be doing than seeing his mother. By all accounts, he is a model child. For so long, I joked with his case worker about making up some awful thing about him because things were going so well with us, we never had any issues beyond very minor things, like missing the bus. I have trusted Primero implicitly since the get-go because he always showed himself to be trustworthy. I warned him way back when he first moved in and was allowed to spend time in the house by himself before I got home from work, that trust is a special thing and that once it’s broken it is very hard to get back. I warned him, even back then, there are major consequences for breaking trust. Unfortunately, so many of our important lessons are learned the hard way.

I truly believe the punishments should fit the crimes. In this case I didn’t really punish Primero as much as asked for more contact between he and I when he moves from school to his after school program. I did deny him spending time with his friend, but not entirely, just not as long as he would have liked. As it turns out the penalties doled out by the county are far more severe than anything I would have conceived. The punishments seem too harsh to me, since Primero is ordinarily a kid with such little trouble. And, he was clearly manipulated by his mother to act out the way he did, simply by her refusal to set up a visit through a case worker or me or any other adult. Clearly, she let Primero believe or even told him straight out, that the only way he could see her was by deceitfully going behind my back. I worry that Primero’s blatant disregard for my rules (and I have so few rules!) is indicative of a strong underlying current of disrespect or perhaps even disdain. Maybe he thinks I’m a push-over because I’ve never been hard on him because I never had a reason. I believe these are things that we need to discuss in length at his therapy session and I hope I have the wherewithal to remember that I want to bring it up (it’s hard to do with the two little ones).

So, it appears that this will be the court date that sticks for the little ones. Unfortunately, it’s the little girl’s birthday. But, the plan is for them to be in court that morning and then have a visit after. I know from past experience the bio mom isn’t always up to having a visit, so we will see how it plays out. The older sister is supposed to be moved the following day, to a new foster home with a new foster agency. It is expected she will still be attending the visits with her younger siblings, which is good for the little girl. She looks so forward to seeing her sister at their visits. I’m not looking forward to court, but I am anxious to see what is said about this case and get an idea of where things are at and where things are going. Court with Primero is drama free and over quickly because his mother never shows up (or hasn’t since I’ve been going to court with him). This will be interesting and not in a good way. I pray it is over quickly so I can get back to work and not miss the entire day, but we shall see.           

Underlying Tensions

We had a busy weekend, spending nearly the entire day Saturday at an audition for Primero and Sunday baking Christmas cookies with my family after church. Things were so-so between me and me and Primero, but there was (and still is) and underlying tension, something that quickly bubbles to the surface if the wrong words are spoken. Primero is of a mind that things should just be back to normal, that I should be over the whole incident and life should continue as it was. But, wounds don’t heal that quickly and trust is not repaired with a simple “I’m sorry.”

Last night Primero had a special holiday event for his after school Glee and Pride programs. During the day I had spoken to his therapist and told her my version of what happened last week. She wanted to see Primero last night to help guide him and us through this issue. So, we went after the holiday presentation. But, the tensions were already elevated because Primero wanted me to meet his friend’s mom so that I would approve of him sleeping over at this friend’s house. Honestly, I don’t know if I would ever be comfortable with him sleeping over at this friend’s house just because of the things he tells me this friend says and does. I’m not comfortable with it and meeting the mother once does not really give me a sense of how much adult supervision there would be if he slept over. So, on our short drive to the therapist’s office at CHOR, I told Primero that there was consideration for him to have therapy weekly again and that agitated him even more. When I asked if he has his Glee and Pride programs next week, since there isn’t school, he said he did. I asked him how he would get there and he said, “You. Or I could walk” and I responded, “No, there’s no way you’re walking because I don’t trust you.” And he blew up. When we pulled into the parking lot he stormed off into the office, leaving me and the two little ones to stumble along in his wake.

Primero met with his therapist alone for roughly 45 minutes while I sat in a different room with the little ones. His therapist came back to talk to me afterwards and during our discussion she mentioned that therapy sessions could only resume a weekly schedule if Primero was on board with that decision. That kind of pissed me off because Primero doesn’t think he should be in therapy at all. And, the most important thing to him, above school, above family, above therapy is his after school programs and the friends he has there. Of course he would never consent to additional counseling, even if we are going through a rough patch and need help to get through it. Way to give the reigns to a teenager who already thinks he runs things. Yes, that’s what I think about Primero. I’ve been entirely too lenient with him, which is evident in how he acted last week. I thought he could be trusted to have some freedom to do things on his own, but clearly I was mistaken. To let the ultimate decision regarding therapy fall to him at this juncture, is a mistake in my mind. He has no compelling reason to refuse, his session are only 45 minutes and would only affect his attendance minimally for a few weeks. But, like so many things, I have to just let go of what I think and believe to be best to acquiesce to the decision made by powers that be. The plans are for Primero and I to have our very first conjoined session next Monday.

Primero had calmed down a little after the therapy session but didn’t really speak to me while we went grocery shopping and returned home to put the little ones to bed. He only talked to me after he took a shower. I contemplated asking for him to be in respite for a night over the weekend, thinking perhaps we needed some time apart to get some perspective. I don’t know, I still might ask about it. Primero’s case worker is trying get a meeting set up between the county case worker, the therapist, Primero, his bio mom, and me to make sure everyone is on the same page regarding contact between Primero and his bio mom. I think it would be a good thing to have everyone understand the expectations and to hear them all together – it would hopefully get everyone on the same page.

 
While the issue with Primero has been sucking up most of my time and energy, there are things happening with the other children as well. As far as I know, Hermano has court tomorrow. He thinks he will be moving back home with his mother soon because he was told that his case was unfounded and he insists his county case worker lied (she said he had been on the run for two weeks when it was only 8 days or something trivial like that). I don’t t know what will happen. I don’t know if he will be sent home or kept in care. And I still haven’t heard about his visiting us for Christmas. I’m really hoping the other foster family is willing to help with the transportation, since it’s even father for me to go now. We shall see. The baby’s older sister is moving foster homes again; her 4^th home this year. And it seems like she might be leaving CHOR, so I’m not sure what that means for her visits and whatnot. The children are supposed to have a visit with their grandmother this Sunday and I asked if I was going to be taking the older girl as I have done in the past. Her case worker said she’s not sure, since she might be moved by then. It’s a shame that this poor kid has to keep bouncing around, but I know it’s hard to stop the moves once they start. Hopefully things will work out for her. When I picked her up last Tuesday for her visit she was asking me if she could come stay with me and her sister. I told her I didn’t have space and she said, “How about just 10 days?” Oy vey! All the kids in my house have been transferred to Primero’s case worker, rather than have three different case workers traipsing through the house. This Thursday the “new” case worker is coming out to meet the children and bringing the county case worker for a planning meeting. We’ll see how things go and if they actually plan to have court next week, as is scheduled. There is certainly a lot going on, plenty to try to keep track of! And I still have to finish my Christmas shopping! Yikes bikes!

Broken Trust

Being a parent is not an easy task. Being a parent to a teenager is difficult and can be a very trying. Being a parent to a foster-to-adopt teenager is a whole new level of challenging. It is rife with pitfalls of hauntings from the past and eager expectations that shatter as they don’t come to fruition. It is certainly not for someone who isn’t strong willed or emotionally stalwart. As a parent of any child, you must be prepared to love deeply at the risk of heart break and despair ravaging your insides and disappointment cutting you to the core. Then, you have to scoop up what’s left of your humanity and dump it back into the child who just stomped all over your heart. I say again, being a parent isn’t easy.

Yesterday was my annual evaluation. It didn’t go as planned. I didn’t come right out and ask about Hermano moving in, but there was talk around it. My family worker questioned if I had plans to move into a bigger place as I had mentioned before (um, what? I don’t remember saying anything like that….) and I explained how difficult that would be. I then said if I did somehow pull that off then Hermano could come stay with us permanently. To which my family worker replied, “well, there’s another sibling to consider as well.” What?! She meant the baby’s older sister who just turned 8 last weekend and had spent the night with us due to transportation issues. Her current foster parent (this is her third home since she moved out of the foster home who baby-sat the baby just 2 short months ago) refuses to interact with the bio mom. So, that leaves me. It’s fine, I’m ok with helping out, I know how things are sometimes. But, this was kind of a shock to me, this idea of getting a bigger place for the sister. And it scares me. It scares me because if the kids don’t go home and they are to be adopted and the county decides they want all three of them together and I can’t accommodate the sister, they could and would take the little ones from me no matter if I wanted to adopt them or not. So, I contemplated renting out my house (my mortgage is under water so I can’t really sell the house) and finding a bigger place to rent where there are extra bedrooms. It’s total madness. I’m beginning to feel like the old lady who swallowed a fly and then needs to further digest larger and larger predators in an attempt to exterminate the fly, which no one knows why or how she swallowed in the first place. Between the three kids I have in my home right now there are an additional 12 siblings floating around. Primero has Hermano, plus another older brother, an older sister and two younger sisters for a grand total of 5 siblings. The other two are the youngest in a family of 9, so there are 7 older siblings including the one I know. Not all the children are in foster care and some (like Primero’s oldest brother) are old enough to live on their own. Still, it’s insane to think that I can just keep adding siblings to my roster. But, now that the idea has been introduced to my brain, I won’t be able to rest while thinking about it. Until I’m told otherwise, I will worry about the county taking the babies away to have all three siblings reside together. It’s just another example of how fickle the system can be. 

In addition to the evaluation and my inability to be direct, Primero dropped a bombshell on me while I was putting the little girl to bed last night. He made me promise not to get mad and then he told me he had seen his bio mom. Twice. He went to an AA meeting with her on Wednesday and yesterday they spent two hours together. He never asked, he never mentioned anything to me until it was already over and I could do nothing about it. I didn’t keep my promise to not get mad. But, I wasn’t so much mad as I was hurt. Deeply, deeply hurt. I trusted him to walk from his cyber school center to his after school program. And now I cannot trust him because he was out traipsing about town with his bio mom behind my back. And worse still, when we talked about things Tuesday when she was paroled, he said if he was adopted he could see her. I said that he could see her but with supervision. And the very next day he sees her with no supervision without me knowing about it. And he thought I shouldn’t get made because he told me about it, when he could have kept it to himself and never told me. When I confronted him he got belligerent, defiant and cocky stating I had no reason to get mad, I should be ok with it and if I lost my trust in him it meant he would need to revert to how he was in his previous foster home. He would do nothing, he would not participate in family life, he would just lock himself away in his bedroom and drop out of all activities. I had never seen him act this way. He was just rubbing salt in the wounds of my heart with his terrible attitude. He was cruel and vindictive in a way that reminded me of my teenage brother. My heart shattered. This wasn’t my sweet boy acting this way. This was some monster who had taken over my son. I was so exhausted and so drained I couldn’t even cry. I am still feeling a profound ache from the whole ordeal. Primero thinks I should be over it. He thinks he should be allowed to spend time with his friend tonight. Initially I had said yes, but then I changed my mind. I told him he could be there for a little bit but not as late as I had mentioned. I’m picking him up after the little girl finishes therapy. I drive past his friends place on my way home, so I will get him then and when I get home I just want to crash. I don’t want to leave the house again to pick him up like I do all the other nights of the week. I feel like something has changed. Is it me, is it him, I don’t know. Maybe it’s just the broken trust. Maybe it’s just me being overwhelmed by all the issues that I can do nothing about. Maybe I’m just too tired to figure it all out right now. I don’t know if I’m hurting more from the deceit and loss of trust or the nastiness of his reaction to my displeasure. I try to do my best. I try to set aside my feelings to be sure I’m doing what I can to promote a welcoming environment for Primero’s family. I let him spend time with his aunt (who was his aunt by marriage) and with his older siblings. I took him to see his uncle on Thanksgiving and I’ve had his brother stay with us twice now and hopefully again for Christmas. I’ve never said no to him hanging out with his siblings. I don’t know why he did what he did because I would not have denied him seeing his mother. I did believe that she needed to initiate contact through the case workers, but it turns out I would have been allowed to let him see her. My only stipulation was that it be supervised. So, it’s a big pile of stinking mess. I wish it had never happened. My brother turned from a sweet kid to an unrecognizable alien at age 15. My greatest fear since then was that I would have a son who would do the same thing; become a young adult and eschew all family activities forevermore. I sincerely hope this is not the case.

So, for now I am tending to my internal wounds, trying to piece back together my heart. Maybe if I get a good night’s sleep I will feel better. I pray that Primero and I can weather this storm and come out stronger on the other side. I pray this is a lone incident and not indicative of what’s in store for the next several years.  

Coming Apart

And just like that, it all comes apart…… I got a message yesterday that bio mom was released on parole. Later in the day she contacted Primero, Hermano, and a younger sister. Primero won’t really talk to me about it, other than to say she said she was sorry for everything, because he was dealing with a whole different issue that occurred at his after school program. Really, it’s an internal issue that he’s struggling with that has nothing to do with his biological mother and upset him more than the drama surrounding her release from prison. When I got the message (I signed up for a notification regarding her status, so I will know when she is in or out of jail) I contacted Primero because he wants to know when I hear anything. I asked him about telling his brother and we decided not to tell him based on the conversation we had when he was visiting for Thanksgiving. But, bio mom called Hermano later in the day, so our little secret wasn’t secret for long.

I was at Wal-Mart shopping when my phone rang. The little ones were at their visit and Primero was at his after school program. It was nice to shop without the kids, honestly. But, my phone rang and it was Primero’s older sister. She was upset because she heard their bio mom was out of jail and contacting her brothers. She told me she didn’t want anything to do with her bio mom and didn’t want anyone to give her number to their mom. But, she was also really upset because she called Primero and he got angry with her (this came just as he was dealing with his personal issue) and she wanted to know what was going on. We talked for a bit and I promised to keep her in the loop of what was going on. I finished my shopping and began driving back to pick up the little ones. My phone rang again. It was the oldest brother. He wanted to know what was going on, so I explained things to him and he asked me to let him know what happens.

I looked on Facebook and noticed that Hermano had made a comment that he would be coming home in 2-3 weeks. I text him to ask what he meant and he said he would be back home with his bio mom very soon. I asked him who told him this and he stopped responding. I asked to call him, to talk over the phone and he ignored me. I sent him a message this morning, basically saying good-bye, have a great life and he told me he fell asleep last night and was still sleeping this morning. When he contacted me later in the day he said he wanted me to still try to get him to move in “just in case” he couldn’t return to his mother soon enough. We were relegated to the back-up plan.

I wanted to talk to Primero about this all last night, but he was too wrapped up in his issue to care about anything else. I won’t say his issue is inconsequential, but on the grand scale of things, it hovers just under what is happening to his brother. Basically, I’m bowing out at this point. We came so close to making it all work out, but if Hermano is hell-bent on getting back with his bio mom and back into the less-than stellar life-style he had I can’t stop him. You cannot help someone who will not help themselves. So, end scene. I don’t know what else to do. I know that there’s no way under the sun the county plans to send Hermano home at all, let alone in 2-3 weeks. So, he must have an exit plan. I won’t be a part of it. I had already asked about having him for Christmas, but now I’m not so sure.

Here I am, thrust into this family via a kid that came to me initially as a respite case, trying my hardest to do the best thing, to do what I can to help and now I feel like all hell is breaking loose. Things were going fine, in fact I really felt like things were falling into place for Hermano to come stay with us. But, it’s over now. Yes, I suppose I could be over reacting, but I can’t compete with the hold his bio mom has over him. His siblings can’t compete either. I think I’ve proven by my actions that I’m not the type of person who gives up easily. But, I am also not the type of person who sticks her nose in where it’s not wanted. If Hermano has made up his mind to return to the life he had and not take the opportunity to change his life, I’m the last person who will change his mind. I’ve become too involved, which was my mistake. I care too much and it only ends up hurting me. I won’t stand by and watch him ruin his life. Since I can do nothing, I will need to walk away. The sad part is I need to find a way to take Primero with me because he wants to remain in contact with his bio mom and siblings (I’m not saying I don’t want him to maintain contact, I just wish he could keep things at arm’s length until he’s a bit older). I guess he’s getting to the age where I just have to let him figure it out. But I’ll be damned if I will let their poison ruin my son and my family. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I feel like my efforts are always in vain and there’s no point in trying as hard as I do. I wish I could turn it off, to care less, be less involved, keep my heart out of the equation – but I don’t know how to do that, I only know how to be 100%. Anything I do I do with all my heart and soul or it’s not worth my time doing it. But this foster care thing, it takes all that earnestness and eats it for breakfast, sucking me dry until I’m just a husk, a shell of the woman I used to be.

I’m being very negative right now, I know that. Honestly, I’m hurt that my endeavors for Hermano to have a better life have been rebuffed. Stupid to say, but I feel threatened by the bio mom and her resurgence into the situation. I never asked for this. I never wanted to have this kind of mess in my already messy life. But, there seems to be no way to extract myself without alienating Primero. I didn’t ask for it, but I’m sure in it and so I need to learn the best way to deal with what is. I have multiple siblings calling and texting me about other siblings and none of them were the one who is my son. I guess I just need to get this all out of my system on here so I can turn around and deal with it at home. Why am I so hurt by it all? I don’t really know. Maybe I feel rejected or useless or used. I don’t know. This too shall pass and life does and will go on……        

The License Hurdle

I feel like we are finally getting somewhere with all this up-in-the-air business. Last Wednesday Hermano’s foster mother called me and basically lectured me for 20 minutes about how Hermano had changed since returning from the visit and all but called me naïve for letting the brothers get together. She was so negative about Hermano and I was so upset by the call that I contacted Primero’s case worker and told her all about it. She forwarded my email to the county case worker because she too felt the concerns where enough to warrant a change for Hermano. Friday he moved into a different foster home. He  begged me to contact his county case worker. I hemmed and hawed about it – I don’t want it to seem like I’m trying to go behind CHOR’s back, they’ve been good to me. And, I don’t want to jeopardize things for Primero’s placement or the babies. Friday I had lost my voice due to a cold I’m still battling. Today I contacted a friend who is a case worker for the county and asked her for advice on contacting the county case worker. She suggested I talk to the CHOR case worker first and I said the CHOR case worker knew how I felt.

So, I got up the nerve and I called the county case worker. She was nice, very nice in fact. She described Hermano as a “really great kid” stating she “loves that kid.” When I asked her to consider me a resource for Hermano she said, “I would love to! I would love nothing more than to move him in with you, but your agency won’t let you.” It seems the hang up is my licensing. I’m licensed for three kids and that is what I have right now. She suggested when it’s time for my re-evaluation that I talk to my agency about changing my licensing. Well, whatta ‘ya know, my re-evaluation is scheduled for this Thursday. It was supposed to be last week but I wasn’t feeling up to is and so I changed it to this week. I don’t know why the CHOR case worker didn’t just tell me this straight up, I feel like I was made to believe the county had something against it or thought the other program was more fitting for Hermano. To hear that my own agency was the stumbling block was a little unnerving. I mean, I understand why, I do. A single woman taking on three kids is fairly insane let alone throwing a fourth into the mix. But. But, we aren’t about some insignificant thing here. I plan to talk to my family worker about it when she comes out to do my evaluation. I don’t want to be pushy or try to make something happen that makes everyone uncomfortable, but I’ve gone this far for this kid – in for a penny, in for a pound. Doesn’t this kid, or any kid, deserve one adult out there who will fight for them, who cares enough to get uncomfortable for that kid? Like I told Primero, Hermano deserves someone who gives a damn about him and for whatever reason I get to be that someone.

I’m glad I got over my fear and contacted the county worker because I learned more in that two minute phone call than I did these past two months. I’m sure the reasons that CHOR gave me (it’s better that he not be in the city, they would feel uncomfortable and I should feel uncomfortable having him around the babies, the other program is better for him) are all valid and so even if I convince my family worker to increase my licensure to 4 kids, CHOR might still balk at allowing the move to happen. Still, I won’t know until I try and the answer will always be 'no' unless I ask. I mean, what would you do? If you were in my position, looking at a kid that needs a home, the brother to your beloved son, who calls you and trusts you to do what’s best for him, what would you do? I can’t uninvolve myself, I can’t turn off my compassion and stop caring, I can’t turn my back and do nothing. Listen, God directed Primero to my door and ushered him into my heart. I don’t doubt that for one second. Before Primero I had zero interest in adopting an older child of 8, 9, 10 years let alone a teenager. Last year this time if you asked me to adopt a teenager I would have flat out and emphatically said, “NO!” But, here I am today loving a teenage boy with every fiber of my being and thanking God every day for making him my son. If I was not the compassionate person I am this boy would never have been in my home beyond a few weekends in respite. I went out on a limb when I took him in temporarily. I was hanging on by my fingertips when I agreed to let him stay permanently. But, in the end it was so worth it. Now, I’m creeping back out to the edge of the branch for Hermano because my heart is big enough to fit just one more hurting child in it. If that makes me crazy, then so be it.     

Legacy of Brokenness

I spoke with Hermano more than a few times on Monday. His case worker never called him. He tried to call and talk to her or her supervisor but was put through to her voicemail and she never returned the call. I know they are busy, but if a kid is calling with a problem, I think they should make it a priority to call the kids back. Hermano felt like his only option was to run away from his foster home, which I encouraged him not to do. He stopped responding to my text yesterday and today, but Primero was in touch with him and his girlfriend, so I know he’s still with the foster family.

 

Ah, the girlfriend. There was a whole big to-do on Facebook because Primero and I commented on a post of Hermano kissing her pregnant belly and asking people to like it if they thought it was cute. Primero admonished Hermano to grow up a little first before taking on the role of “daddy” and I said I didn’t think babies having babies was cute. This resulted in Hermano being hurt and upset with us (how couldn’t we understand that this flavor-of-the-week chick made him so, so happy?) and the girls older sister sending me a message through Facebook saying I hurt her sisters feelings with what I said. The girlfriend contacted Primero last night stating she doesn’t know why we don’t like her, she makes his brother happy and she was nothing but nice to us. Please! She didn’t say two words to me the whole time she was in my house and no “thank you” for the ride to and from my place either. I didn’t really have much of an opinion of her before but now I don’t like her and she is not welcome back at my house.

 

How on earth do you stop this mentality? This kid can’t just be by himself to get himself healthy, he keeps seeking out a girlfriend and not always the nice girls, either. Sure, some of it is just teenage angst. But, he goes way overboard with it (in my opinion) and posts too freely to Facebook. I surmise that he is trying to fill the hole in his life where his mother and family should be, but how do I convince him of that? I encouraged him to think of his future, to think before he acts and to take care of himself first. But, I’m just some random adult blah-blah-blahing in his ears. I wish I could reach him and teach him how to have a more healthy life-style regarding his love life. I call it the ghetto mentality, but I don’t mean that to be derogatory, although I suppose that’s how it sounds. I just see this bouncing from one chick to another indicative of the broken relationships that feed the impoverished status of so many people in our city and can lead to other ills, such as addiction, crime and domestic abuse. I’m not saying I believe a teenager should have a long term relationship but he’s not just cutesy dating like Primero (kisses, hugs, long text’s over the phone), he’s having a sexual relationship with these girls. There’s already been a pregnancy scare and yet he seems hell-bent on being a baby daddy and flitting from one girl/woman to the next. And I’m sure he sees nothing wrong with it, since his mother was one of those chicas – multiple babies with different baby daddies. It’s a legacy of brokenness and how can I undo it? I guess the answer is that I can’t. I can only pray that God will touch his heart and use me to provide guidance to show him how to change. Mostly, it will up to Hermano to make healthier decisions for his life and for his future.   

 

In other news, Primero informed me last night that his girlfriend was still pregnant. She did not have the abortion yet and she hasn’t told her parents she is pregnant. By my rough calculations she is about three quarters of the way through her first trimester so the clock is ticking for her to make a decision before the decision will be made for her. Primero’s friend at the CFA (Center for the Arts) is contemplating writing a letter to the girl’s parents letting them know she’s knocked up and Primero said if she decides to keep the baby he’s going to break up with her. I won’t say I’m sorry to hear that because really, I’m not. I didn’t like him being with her ever since I heard about her accidental pregnancy from her previous boyfriend. These teenagers have got my head spinning with all this baby drama! Teen pregnancy is supposedly on the decline and has been for years, yet in my personal experience, it’s all I see! Maybe it’s just this town and the screwed up morals that pervade the family unit here. All of the foster children I have had in my care have come from single mothers with multiple baby daddies. There is no family cohesion, no sense of responsibility, no moral code whatsoever. I want so much for these boys to break the cycle of brokenness in their family. Every time the subject comes up I ask them to assess their family life growing up and if they would want the same thing for their own children – do they want to be the kind of father they had in their lives? I truly hope they can see things differently, that they can find one special woman and settle down with her and raise children together, as a family. I don’t want them to be the hit-it-and-quit-it kind of young men that are prevalent in this town. But, I’m at a loss on how to instill these values to children whom I have only known for a very short period of time. What kind of difference can I make when they will be grown in a few short years? I can only hope and pray my words don’t fall on deaf ears and that I can have some minimal impact to instill a healthier family life for their future.    

 

 

Thanksgiving Visit

I ended up leaving work earlier than my given dismissal time on Wednesday because I feared the snow would begin obscuring the roads. As it turned out, if I had waited until my release time of 2:30, the roads would have been more clear. Oh well, I had to make a judgment call on the information I had. Regardless, Primero and I made the trek to pick up Hermano and then turned right around and came home. We picked up the little ones, visited the grave of the boy’s uncle and headed home. Hermano has his panties in a wad trying to see his “bestie” who is now his girlfriend – a pregnant 16 year old. We did end up picking her up on Friday for a brief visit. But, Wednesday night we went home and had dinner. It was a long day for me, so I was anxious to get home and unwind. Wednesday night I slept for nearly 2 hours before the baby woke me up. Hermano was still awake, so he chatted with me as I fed the baby and put him back to bed. We then stayed up and talked most of the night.

 

So, needless to say, I was pretty exhausted Thursday. We watched the parade for a bit and had a leisure breakfast. Then we got dressed for Thanksgiving dinner at my aunts. It was chaotic, as it always is but it was nice. My cousin held the baby so I could eat in peace (this next to never happens as he usually fusses to be held at dinner time). After spending several hours with my family, we left to go to the boy’s uncles place in town. Their oldest brother met us at our place and we then went to the apartment building where their uncle lives. A few other family members were there, like their older sister, and another uncle. After we were there for a little while another man and his wife showed up  - their aunt’s brother. Primero later revealed to me that this man was the man his mother suspected was his father, rather than the man whose name is on his birth certificate. Wow. We stayed until the little girl passed out and I was dead on my feet.

 

Friday we went to pick out our Christmas tree (with the new girlfriend, I might add – why can’t these boys find a nice girl?). Primero chaperoned the love birds visit while I moved my winter shoes from the basement into my upstairs closet. I was upset that there was no interest in setting up our Christmas tree. Hermano was solely interested in this chica and I found it revolting quite frankly. He was rubbing her tummy like he’s the daddy, kissing her belly and they even managed to take pictures and put them on Facebook. I told Hermano that I didn’t appreciate them glorifying teen pregnancy and I was less-than pleased with the whole push to see the girlfriend. I felt like this was his whole focus for the visit and I know Primero expressed the same sentiments. We eventually had a conversation about it, but the whole thing still bothers me. I guess my moral standards are too high? Or something like that, I’m not sure. I just don’t think this young man has any business being with a girl about to pop out someone else’s kid. It’s not like he hasn’t got enough of his own issues to deal with.

 

Late Friday afternoon we dropped off the girlfriend then went to buy a new tire for my car because I didn’t want to make the trip on the old tire that was about to disintegrate. I wished I had had the new tire before Wednesday. We had dinner and then headed on the long drive to take Hermano home, this time with two little kids in tow. When we got to the foster home no one was there. Hermano tried calling all the numbers he had but no one answered, it went straight to voicemail. We sat outside in the car for over an hour before I called CHOR on-call for permission to head home with Hermano. We got Primero’s case worker, which was good because she knew what was going on. She called CYS to let the county make the call on whether to take him back home with us or not. As the phone calls were happening, the adult daughter of the foster parents showed up. She scared us by tapping on the window of the car then walking away. We didn’t feel comfortable leaving Hermano alone with her because the other foster agency doesn’t even know she lives there. So, a few more phone calls with the on-call case worker and then the foster dad showed up. I walked Hermano to the door, intending on speaking to the foster father but he was in the bathroom and wouldn’t come out to talk to me. So, I left and reported this to the case worker. At this point we had been waiting for over 2 hours. It was a very long night.

 

The drama with Hermano continued over the weekend. He text me Sunday morning threatening to run away from his foster home. He claimed no one spoke to him from the time he got home Friday night until Sunday morning when the foster dad banged on his bedroom door to wake him up for church. He refused to go. He got angry and took a walk, then called me. We talked for a bit and then he called the on-call case worker for CYS to tell them what happened. They promised to have his case worker call him on Monday to talk about potentially being moved. I just hope these visits are not being blamed for his malaise in his current foster home. Hopefully they can find a more suitable home for him, perhaps a little closer to town so he feels more connected. We shall see.    

It's Complicated

So we received word that we can have Hermano visit for Thanksgiving. The only dilemma now is the impending snow storm on the day I planned to pick him up. Non-essential state employees (that’s me) are allowed to leave work 2 hours early Wednesday, so this means I could start my journey to get Hermano at that time. But, the snow is supposed to start sometime late morning and so things could be very messy by 2:30. Not only that, but I would need to be back to town a little before 5 in order to pick up the children and take them to their visit by 5 pm. Even without snow, this would be pushing it because it’s a little over an hour to get there and then another hour back, which means we would only be back to town by 4:30 at the earliest. I could take the little ones with me, but I would still need to be back to town by 5 to get them to their visit. Add a dash of fear that my car won’t make this trip up and back and you have a recipe for some serious anxiety. Just the complications of life……

 

So, I’m kind of ambivalent about Hermano’s visit right now. I don’t mean about him coming, but about how his stay will go. First of all, the little ones will be around so that will make a difference. Second, it will be for a longer time, so more time for things to go sideways. Also, after a few discussions with Primero and the things  I see Hermano posting on Facebook, I just don’t know what to think about the whole scenario. Primero spent some time with his oldest brother and sister last week. He said he asked them the question I asked him about Hermano being manipulative towards me to get what he wants and they believed he would do that. I get the sense that the older siblings don’t trust Hermano, perhaps because he got mixed up in the wrong activities and they, like Primero, blame him for their mother getting involved in those things as well. Maybe they just project their anger towards their mother onto Hermano, since he was the last one to be taken from her. I don’t know, I’m no psychiatrist. I just get the sense that things have changed since his first visit. Maybe it’s me who’s changed or maybe it’s just the natural way things go – big hype, lots of emotions at the onset and then things settle down as the situation is accepted for what it is. Or maybe it’s just the dread of the drive that is making me wish it was the weekend already. I simply don’t know.

 

In all honesty, my ambivalence might be more due to my severe lack of sleep than anything else. The baby is teething and so neither of us are sleeping well right now. It’s starting to drag on me as I clocked my fourth sleepless night last night. Not only is the baby waking up 4,5,6 times but he does not want to fall back asleep. He wants to be held and when I think he is asleep and lay him back down he waits until I’m back in bed and then begins wailing once again. My nerves are a bit frazzled at this point and I’m looking forward to the distraction of the holiday where at least I’ll have more hands to help in soothing a crabby baby.

 

Last week the little girl started therapy. It might sound silly, a toddler in therapy, but so often these little ones have been through so much trauma they just need a little professional help to sort it out. The therapist sat and talked with me about the types of behaviors and issues I felt the little girl was displaying and that could be addressed in therapy. I think it will be helpful for her, but it means more running for me.

 

Running kids here and there pretty much defines my weekday evenings. Primero is involved in two programs at the Center for the Arts on Monday’s, Tuesday’s and Thursday’s until 8:30 in the evening. Every other Tuesday I have training at CHOR from 6-7:30 pm. The little ones have visits on Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s which have just changed from 4-6 to 5-7. Ugh! The only night that no one has to go anywhere is Friday (except when Primero has therapy on Fridays – it waffles between Monday’s and Friday’s) and by that point I’m just pooped! It won’t be like this forever. Right???    

The Road Thus Far...

Maybe because this year is drawing to a close or maybe I just needed some time for reflection, but I have been thinking about my journey to motherhood a lot lately. I was re-reading some of the older posts, the painful ones from when my life turned upside down right up to the more recent ones. I felt anew the poignant punch of joy and loss, reliving the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I guess I was looking to the past to get an explanation of how I got where I am today, but I also wanted to be sure to embrace my current situation as the epitome of what I have been striving for all along.

If you watch the TV show Supernatural, you will catch my drift, but here it is, the road thus far:

 

It’s actually hard to remember my life when I was married. I have to force myself to remember how happy I was when Flaco first came home in October of 2006. Our time together was rife with struggle, both personally and as a couple. Flaco struggled to fit into a new culture and society and I struggled to get everyone to like him. Together we battled financial ups and downs and learned how to get along as a couple living under one roof. We had many happy times, although they all seem tarnished by the end of our tale together. Infertility did a number on us, especially me because I felt like it was all my fault – after all, I was the one with the problem.

 

We eventually found a way to become parents through adoption. I can never and I don’t ever want to forget the surreal feeling when we drove home with the baby boy in our car. After the crushing realization that we wouldn’t have a biological child, it felt unreal to have a baby in our lives. But, I cannot remember that joy without the memory of his loss tying knots in the pit of my stomach. I remember how awkward I was with the baby, how everything seemed so strange and foreign. I clearly remember one afternoon when I had the baby out running errands with me after Flaco left us and I wanted to take him to the play land at Chick-Fil-A but I was so unsure of myself. He started having a temper tantrum as we walked across the parking lot, so I turned back and went home. I felt inadequate a his care taker, like everyone was watching me make the novice mistakes. I noted in my blog that the darkest time for me also left a hole in my posts. I was going through the motions of life at the time and had nothing more to contribute.

 

But, I did manage to pull myself from that pit of despair and I began fostering alone. That was a big leap for me too. I really wasn’t sure I could do it alone. I had a very difficult placement that eventually led me to ask for her removal, but it taught me the important lesson that I could parent a child alone. Not only could I be a single mother, but I discovered that I still really wanted to be a mother, even if it meant doing it alone.

 

Not long after my second placement left I was contacted for a third placement, my most challenging thus far. I went from an empty house to one full of three little girls in one fell swoop. I was a little overwhelmed but found that with a routine we were able to get along. With that placement I had my first experience with a newborn and I loved every minute. Too quickly I was mourning the loss of these girls and contemplating taking in a new placement - my longest foster care placement. (Actually, Primero just surpassed the length of time those kids were with me – I had them 262 days and today is Primero’s 264^th day with me).

 

My parents were the most attached to these two little ones, especially the little boy. I know initially my mom held back because she was so hurt after the little girls left, but it was impossible to not be charmed by the little boy and his sweet little face. We loved him to pieces and it was so hard to watch them go when they returned home on my birthday last year.

 

For reasons I don’t think I will ever understand, the greatest moment of joy followed by the most horrific disappointment occurred last year right before Christmas. The Friday before Christmas it seemed like all my prayers had been answered because I was called about a baby boy that was about a month old and I would be picking him up on Monday. The weekend of elation turned into deep sorrow Monday morning when I was told an aunt had surfaced. I was crushed and broken, my heart and my hope had deflated.

 

The next twist in the tale brings us up to present day. It’s hard to believe it was not quite a year ago when I first met my son. He came to stay with me one cold rainy night in January as a respite case for the weekend. He enjoyed his stay so much that from that weekend on, he was with me until he moved in full-time the end of February. God certainly moved in mysterious ways to get me and Primero together. My initial hesitancy to take Primero as a foster care placement blossomed into the desire to be his permanent home; to adopt him and call him my son.

 

But, God wasn’t done there. The middle of June I was contacted about two potential placements for babies soon-to-be born. A little over a week later I was contacted because the county wanted me to take a baby sibling to the little girl I had in respite for several weeks. I was contacted Friday and Monday morning I found myself being escorted through the hospital with a brand new baby in my car seat. I was on cloud nine, loving the boys in my home and re-learning how to live on little sleep. It seemed like all my dreams were coming true.

 

I had the baby for less than a month when I was asked to consider taking the sister who had been with me in respite. Initially I demurred, pushing the decision off until the last possible moment. But, again God was moving things in the direction He felt was best and so I had the space in my basement turned into an extra room and welcomed home a third child.

 

So, here I am. Three children in the course of eight months. Primero will soon be my son legally and the little ones are considered legal risk, so there is a possibility that this is my forever family. Until we heard about Primero’s older brother, Hermano. I had met him a few times, I knew who he was, but I had no idea we would be where we are now, trying to finagle a way to get this boy into our home as well. I told God I wanted a big family, I always had, but I figured, when I was plagued with infertility and then numerous non-adoptive placements, it was God’s way of telling me I was not destined to have the big family I desired in my heart. Maybe I was wrong?

 

After the Christmas Miracle Baby debacle, I prayed that God would make it a smooth process when I was finally getting my “baby.” I also prayed that my next placement would be *mine*, my child to keep. God answered those prayers for me. The next placement after the Christmas Miracle Baby was Primero. His case seemed to move effortlessly from foster care to adoption and even having his mother agree to sign the termination paperwork was with little drama or effort. To me, it seems like God just tied it all up with a neat little bow and placed this blessing in my lap. But, it also seems like, in accepting Primero, the floodgate has opened and God just keeps pouring these precious little blessings into my life. He waited for Primero and I to get settled before the baby came home and then, once I had a handle on mothering an infant and teenager, He threw the little girl into the mix. Now, I feel prompted by God to take in a second teen because he needs a home just as much as that tiny baby did in the hospital.

 

This road has been long and painful, rife with intense loss and near-total devastation. But, out of the ashes, my family has formed. Things have been tough lately with costly repairs and monetary issues, but when I keep my focus on these three (four) kids I know I can make it through anything for them. For the first time since I began this journey to motherhood, I feel like I have a cohesive family. I feel like the four (five) of us are a complete unit and I need to pinch myself at the wonderful blessings I have been gifted. I’m thankful I never gave up, even when it all seemed impossible. I’m thankful I listened to the gentle whispers of God to open my heart to Primero. I’m thankful my children have found me and they are more beautiful and amazing than I had imagined possible. I’m glad my journey brought me here, with these precious children I love more than words can express.    

Lost and Disconnected

“…research suggests kids who don’t use contraception tend to be kids who are feeling lost and disconnected and not doing well.” (http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/27/health/27well.html?_r=0)

 

I don’t even remember what I was looking for when I found this article. The line I have copied above sums up what I believe about Hermano and that chickie he’s sort-of seeing. Despite my best attempt to intervene, he is still talking to this girl, as Primero reported to me last night. The girl came to the after school program where Primero hangs out and she told Primero all about his brother and their conversations. Apparently the pregnancy ended in a miscarriage – the latest lie in my opinion. When Primero told me this I said, “Well of course it did because it’s not like she can keep that lie going for very long, eventually people are going to want to see the baby!” So, as I surmised, Hermano is engaging in risky sex (not using protection) because of the pain on the inside. He’s lost and not doing well. Luckily, he is also many miles from this little tart, so they are unable to get into trouble at the moment. But, it did make me pause last night and think about Hermano’s motives for trying to get here. I would say it’s a mixed bag. Mostly, he wants to have a family, to fit in and be loved, but I think it might partially be to get “back” to his “old” life too. Primero admitted he didn’t know his brother well enough to determine his true motives. Showing wisdom beyond his years, Primero suggested we just hold on and see where things take us. Good idea, only I’m a little too type A for that (I don’t consider myself a textbook Type A like my sister, but I do have some of those tendencies…..). Still, worrying about things that might never happen is my specialty. I like to plan for the what if’s in life as best as I can. You would think that after all I’ve been through these last three years I would have gotten over that need to control all possible outcomes. After all, I never believed I would be getting divorced. But, old habits die hard. And, this is also where the Type A slips into the equation – I don’t want to make a mistake, I want to be perfect. It’s not like I actually believe I am perfect, because I know I am not, it’s more like I have a very stringent ideal I want to live up to and I’m hard on myself to make that happen. But, I’m miles off topic now. Back to the subject. I know, intellectually and cognitively, that Hermano is the only one who can make changes in the way he makes decisions and in the way he behaves. I know that I’m nothing more than a chirping little Jiminy Cricket doggedly begging him to “let his conscience be his guide” And I know one lecture about making wise decisions for his future does not undo the past umpteen years of misguided and corrupt morals. Still, I hold out hope. I pray my words do not fall on deaf ears and that something inside of him awakens to the new possibilities afforded to him, despite his distaste of his current situation. I pray that God sends angels to watch over him and that He reaches down to fill that empty void in this kids life. Parenting any teenager is a challenge, ask anyone living with such a creature, but parenting a teen from foster care takes an extra-special level of dedication and determination. In my moments of doubt I panic and think, “My God, I’m not equipped to do this!” but then I realize that biological children do not come with an instruction manual, so it is very likely that many parents feel inadequate when dealing with a teenager. I can only do what I can, the rest is up to the kid and God. But, in dealing with Hermano I am more and more grateful for the wonderful young gentleman I have already living with me. I know Primero isn’t a saint, but he’s pretty darn perfect in my eyes…..        

Foolish

I had my first opportunity to “mother” Hermano over the weekend. The girl who said she was pregnant with his baby called Primero Saturday afternoon. She is cousin’s with Primero’s girlfriend and they were hanging out together and decided to call Primero. The lying about being preggo chickie told Primero that his brother called her and wanted to know if they were still dating and she said they were. She then babbled on about different stupid stuff before asking Primero if he knew what every girls dream was with her best friend. When he said he didn’t know she proceeded to tell him it was for two best friends to get pregnant together by brothers. In other words, she wanted him and his girlfriend to get pregnant (which, um, she already is by someone else…..) and then she and Hermano would do the same. Unfortunately for Primero he had the phone on speaker when this announcement was made and I flipped out, stating he needed to get off the phone with these screwed up girls. A conversation ensued in which he denied hearing the comment and insisted he would not be interested in pursuing the plan as prescribed. I pleaded with him to not throw his future away on a girl like this, who thinks it’s cute to be a pregnant teenager. These girls are nothing but trouble with a capital T. So, since I gave Primero the lecture (and he’s really the most innocent of the bunch) I had to give Hermano my spcheal. But, with Hermano I launched into how this girl seems hell bent on getting knocked up and if he’s foolish enough to continue carrying on with her, he had better consider what type of father he wants to be. Does he want to be the absent father he had or would he want something better for his child? How would he support a child right now? I admonished him to worry about himself, to take care of himself right now before getting that involved with some girl. And, I told him he will have to live with the consequences of whatever decisions he makes. I also assured him that making a mistake does not mean he would not be permitted to live in my home, but I hope he will make a wise choice in whatever he decides to do. He took the speech rather well and even thanked me for it afterwards, stating I had given him a lot to think about and no one ever had the conversation with him in the past. I can only hope some of what I said sticks in his gray matter…..

 

 

Saturday night my clothes washer broke. The motor just up and died right after it filled with soapy water and baby blankets. Sunday I took my laundry to my friend’s apartment building because it was slightly cheaper than the Laundromat. While visiting my friend we told her about Primero’s birthday and his brother visiting. My friend was adamant about me not taking Hermano in. As we discussed this Primero, who I know has been holding this in, burst out how he felt it weird that Hermano calls me “Mom” when he doesn’t and he worries that we (Hermano and I) are closer than he is to me and it makes him feel some type of way. He also confirmed what my friend said, that it’s too much for him to have the little ones around, especially the little girl whom he is not very fond of despite her intense attachment to him. I spoke with Primero as we did the laundry and I said if he felt this way he should have told me before I made all kinds of promises to Hermano. He said he wants Hermano to move in but he also feels selfish about it and wants me all to himself. I get that. But I told him that I thought that what he has is what his brother wants, that there is a hole in his heart right now and he so desperately wants to fill it. I knew something had been bothering Primero and I tried to get him to tell me but he wouldn’t. I’m glad he finally let it out and we could talk about it. I assured him that, while my heart has always been to have a big family, it doesn’t mean he would be neglected or that he is any less special to me. I told him, at this point, he is my only son and regardless of the other children in my life, he is my priority. He assured me he did want his brother to live with him but I have my doubts. I guess we will see how things go on Thanksgiving and take it from there. And I know my friend is only thinking of me and worried about me, but her warnings do not deter me from the decision that has already been made. I suppose that’s foolish. I’m just not willing to go back on my word at this point. So, call me foolish.     

I Promise You

Yesterday I had the day off due to Veteran’s Day. We had Primero’s case worker come to see us first thing in the morning and Primero spent most of the time telling her all about his brothers visit. Primero had a plan to prove to his case worker that his brother should be allowed to move in with us. He showed her his room and she agreed the room was plenty big enough for two. Primero told her about a dozen times that Hermano started calling me “Mom” because he felt so happy with us and so comfortable. She agreed it was wonderful to see Primero getting to visit with his siblings and spend time with them. And she actually asked us how often we would be seeing Hermano. So, I asked about Thanksgiving. We would love to have him spend Thanksgiving with us and the case worker concurred, stating she would ask if I could get him Wednesday night and return him Friday so that I won’t have to worry about the holiday traffic on a very congested interstate highway. I explained how I was put-off by the GAL’s last minute decision to cut the first visit short and she said it was most likely due more to everyone being unsure of how it would go, since Hermano is new to the system. But, since things went so well and we had such a lovely time, she didn’t see a reason why the visits couldn’t continue. I was happy to hear this because I feared the visit was only granted for Primero’s birthday and therefore would only be granted in the future for equally as important dates to celebrate.

 

When I relayed the good news to Hermano, he was happy but again expressed his desire to make our home his permanent residence. He told me he had never felt loved before like he does now; to have someone care about him, be interested in his life, to fight to have him – this is what I imagine he means. Last night I posted on Facebook “Be patient. Sometimes you have to go through the worst to get the best” and “I feel like you are the reward for everything I did right in life.” I tagged both the boys in these posts and Hermano posted a beautiful poem in response.

 

I Promise You

 I can't promise you that dark clouds will never hover over our lives or that the future will bring us many rainbows.

 I can't promise you that tomorrow will be perfect or that life will be easy.

 I can promise you my everlasting devotion, my loyalty, my respect, and my unconditional

 love for a lifetime.

 I can promise that I'll always be there for you, to listen and to hold your hand, and I'll always do

 my best to make you happy, and make you feel loved.

 I can promise that I'll see you through any crisis, and hope with you, dream with you, build with you, and always cheer you on and encourage you.

 I can promise that I'll share my dreams my world, and every aspect of my life with you.

 I'll willingly be your protector, your advisor, your counselor, your friend, your family, your everything.

 And I believe that's what love is truly all about.

 

It pretty much sums up exactly what I want to say.  I keep encouraging him to be sure to follow the rules and be respectful when he talks to his case worker and GAL because that will go a long way in showing he is trying to make a sound and mature decision for himself. I tell him to keep up the good work in school, to be involved in the extracurricular activities to keep himself occupied and again, to show he is turning his life around and not looking to get back into the things he had been doing. When he was with us you could hear happiness and hope in his voice. Now that he’s back in his foster home, his voice is sad again, lacking the same merriment it had before. I know I am absolutely insane. I am. As a young single woman, I have no business trying to raise three kids let alone four. But, this isn’t some picture of a kid I see on the state listing for children seeking adoptive homes, this is a live, living, breathing child desperate for attention and affection and love. He wants a home, not just a house. I guess I’m a fixer and I can hear my mom saying to me, “You can’t help everyone. You can’t take away the pain from their past.” But, how can I not try? It’s not like there are hundreds of other families clamoring to take in and love hurting teenagers. If I don’t try to give Hermano a home he will age out of the system and most likely get right back into the life everyone is trying to get him out of. He is a young man who needs someone stable in his life, to guide him into adulthood with love and patience. He is still impressionable, more so than Primero even though he is younger. It’s gotta be someone’s responsibility to see that he gets a positive role model and an opportunity to succeed. My heart gets me in a lot of trouble. My heart pushes me out of my comfort zone, it pushes me to have sympathy for hurting children and to do what little I can to help. I don’t know how to turn it off. I don’t know how to stop being me, to stop myself from caring when no one else would. How do I make my heart stop aching for a child who is so hungry, so desperate for love that even the tiniest kind gesture is huge to him? I can’t help but look at my sweet Primero and think, what if I had said no, what if I refused to let myself care about him where would he be now? Primero was meant to be my son, he was meant to steal my heart one weekend at a time until it felt like I would lose a part of myself if he were to leave. And now, because I opened my heart to a sweet, gentle, kind, amazing teenage boy, I have been given the honor of another sweet teenage boy clamoring for my love and affection. I guess I would rather be called crazy than turn my back on a child who needs a mother. I let myself get pulled into these situations because I put myself in the shoes of these children and I feel their pain and their need for comfort and for someone to genuinely want them, not as an obligation but for who they are as a human being. I want this young man to do well in life and, like Mahatma Ghandi said, I need to be the change I wish to see in the world. I can’t promise this kid he will be able to move in with me, but I can promise to stick by his side and be available to him whenever he needs me, to pray for him, to worry about him, and to help him succeed in life. I can promise my unconditional love that will not fade or break due to distance or location. I will mother him from afar until we can live under the same roof. And I pray to God it will be enough.

Hermano and Our Great Weekend

It was a whirlwind weekend. At the last minute Friday morning Primero’s case worker sent me a text stating his brother’s Guardian ad Litem was not in agreement that he stay the whole weekend. The GAL wanted him to just stay the afternoon or, at the most, one night. Primero was bummed out about this and I felt like it was a trust issue, like I wasn’t being trusted. I mean, here’s the thing. This GAL does not know me, has never met me and only met Primero’s brother once. Yet, they can dictate and ruin the plans that we had for this weekend. Sounds insane, doesn’t it? I mean, the GAL is supposed to be representing the kid, looking out for the best interest of the kid. How can you do that without having a relationship with the child? How can you choose what is best if you don’t have the full picture? I have been here before and I know I can huff and puff all I want but in the end the only change I will create is negative in my favor. So, I bite my lip and keep my opinions to my blog.

 

So, we trekked an hour one way to get Primero’s brother (let’s call him Hermano, it means “brother” in Spanish). His foster mother was nicer in person than over the phone, but it was not an overly gregarious household. We drove an hour home, hitting some rush hour traffic and then picked up the boys’ older sister. The four of us went to the restaurant where the eldest brother works to see him as well. After dinner we went to the mall for a little and then to see the movie Ouija. We took the sister home and then went to our place to crash. It was pretty late by that point. I stayed up with the boys until 1 am and then crashed. I’m not sure how late they stayed up, but they were quiet so I can’t complain. The next day we had to go grocery shopping, which we did after a lazy morning just hanging out around the house. The sister came over with their aunt and visited for a little while and before we knew it, it was time to take Hermano back to his foster family an hour away. We stopped and got some pizza for dinner and then began our journey with heavy hearts. No one wanted the weekend to end. We visited with Hermano’s foster family for a little bit when we dropped him off. It was hard separating the boys again. Hermano gave me a big bear hug (he’s a big kid, over 6 feet tall) and then asked if he could call me, wait for it.......... “Mom.” Yikes!

 

And that’s the thing. Hermano so desperately wants to be part of a family, a real functioning family. He saw how affectionate Primero and I are with one another and he ached for that connection too. His current foster home is very experienced, they’ve been fostering for nearly as long as I’ve been alive, but they are not family to him. He says he feels like a guest there. They can meet his physical needs for shelter and sustenance but they cannot fill his emotional needs. In a brief 24 hours with me, this kid is asking to call me mom, he’s texting me and messaging me constantly to maintain the connection. After we left he sent me the following message, “Had so much fun today all I wish is that I can be with you. I feel loved in your house like I never did before. Like you’re the best and I wish God is with us and lets me come to you. I love you Mom.” I cried. Primero read this to me as we were driving home and I bawled my eyes out. I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. I was kind to him, I encouraged him, I treated him just like I treat Primero – like he matters, like he is important to me. I know it’s crazy, I know that he’s got some skeletons in his closet, I know there is a big possibility for failure, but I cannot turn my back on this kid. We are all praying he can come home to us, because we are his home. Am I being manipulated here? Is it all a ploy just to get himself back to the city where he can run wild again? If it is then he’s pulling the wool over Primero’s eyes too. I think he is sincere. I think one of the reasons he got caught up in the junk he was in is because there is a hole in his heart. Their mother loved them the best way she knew how, but it was not a healthy motherly love. The foster home he is in now treats him well but they do not love him. I love him. And not just by extension of being my son’s brother. After spending time with him, I love him for who he is.

 

But, there’s things of the heart and then there is reality. The reality is constraints on space and finances, the emotional side is a desire to build a life-altering relationship as a cohesive family. My house is small, that’s a reality. But, the room we created for Primero is the largest in the house, plenty big enough for two boys. I found out yesterday that God answered my prayers in relation to paying for childcare, I was approved for financial assistance that will take my monthly payments from $1000 to $20. That’s huge! The little ones also get WIC which helps a great deal, especially with formula, and then there’s the stipend for having foster kids. This would all make the finances possible. Hermano told me he wants to be adopted but was told he would just stay with his foster family until he is 18. So, the powers that be would rather that he age out of the system, alone and cut off from everyone he knows, than make some minor concessions to let him join his brother and be adopted into a family. It’s hard not to feel bitter about that. I need to be careful. I told both the boys this – I cannot and will not do anything to jeopardize or disrupt Primero’s adoption. This is a fight I must sit out. But, I will be sure to let everyone know I am open to dialogue about the situation and I am more than happy to open my home to Hermano and even adopt him as my son, should such a thing be allowed. I’m not saying it would be easy and I’m fairly certain Hermano will break my heart by making me a grandmother before my time, but he deserves a shot at happiness. No, love does not cure all ills, but it does go a long way to mend broken hearts. Hermano is really just a little boy trapped in a man’s body. At one point he said to me, “I’m not a bad kid.” And he’s not, he’s actually very sweet. He’s made mistakes, haven’t we all? But, the price he is being asked to pay for his mistakes is too steep. I know, I know, I’m just a bleeding heart. I guess that is my weakness as a foster parent – I care too much. We all have to live with the decisions the system makes for us, even if we don’t agree with them. But, if given the chance, we will argue our point and explain our desires.

 

I guess all I can say in conclusion is that I feel like God brought Primero to me to be my son. He orchestrated our whole meeting and took us baby steps from respite care to adopted son. Now, through Primero, God is moving to expand our family with Hermano. As I explained it to Hermano, I think God is using the resistance of the county and CHOR to help us be sure this is the step we want to take and so that when we are all together we will be mindful of the time when we were not. Maybe it’s just me being crazy, but I feel deep down like this is going to happen, Hermano will come home and be a part of our family. We just need to be respectful and follow the rules to make it happen. And pray. Every time I think of Hermano I say a little prayer that God will produce another miracle and move Hermano home.        

 

 

http://www.fosteringperspectives.org/fpv13n2/minds.htm (This brief article mentions some of the same things I say about teens in foster care)