Coming Apart

And just like that, it all comes apart…… I got a message yesterday that bio mom was released on parole. Later in the day she contacted Primero, Hermano, and a younger sister. Primero won’t really talk to me about it, other than to say she said she was sorry for everything, because he was dealing with a whole different issue that occurred at his after school program. Really, it’s an internal issue that he’s struggling with that has nothing to do with his biological mother and upset him more than the drama surrounding her release from prison. When I got the message (I signed up for a notification regarding her status, so I will know when she is in or out of jail) I contacted Primero because he wants to know when I hear anything. I asked him about telling his brother and we decided not to tell him based on the conversation we had when he was visiting for Thanksgiving. But, bio mom called Hermano later in the day, so our little secret wasn’t secret for long.

I was at Wal-Mart shopping when my phone rang. The little ones were at their visit and Primero was at his after school program. It was nice to shop without the kids, honestly. But, my phone rang and it was Primero’s older sister. She was upset because she heard their bio mom was out of jail and contacting her brothers. She told me she didn’t want anything to do with her bio mom and didn’t want anyone to give her number to their mom. But, she was also really upset because she called Primero and he got angry with her (this came just as he was dealing with his personal issue) and she wanted to know what was going on. We talked for a bit and I promised to keep her in the loop of what was going on. I finished my shopping and began driving back to pick up the little ones. My phone rang again. It was the oldest brother. He wanted to know what was going on, so I explained things to him and he asked me to let him know what happens.

I looked on Facebook and noticed that Hermano had made a comment that he would be coming home in 2-3 weeks. I text him to ask what he meant and he said he would be back home with his bio mom very soon. I asked him who told him this and he stopped responding. I asked to call him, to talk over the phone and he ignored me. I sent him a message this morning, basically saying good-bye, have a great life and he told me he fell asleep last night and was still sleeping this morning. When he contacted me later in the day he said he wanted me to still try to get him to move in “just in case” he couldn’t return to his mother soon enough. We were relegated to the back-up plan.

I wanted to talk to Primero about this all last night, but he was too wrapped up in his issue to care about anything else. I won’t say his issue is inconsequential, but on the grand scale of things, it hovers just under what is happening to his brother. Basically, I’m bowing out at this point. We came so close to making it all work out, but if Hermano is hell-bent on getting back with his bio mom and back into the less-than stellar life-style he had I can’t stop him. You cannot help someone who will not help themselves. So, end scene. I don’t know what else to do. I know that there’s no way under the sun the county plans to send Hermano home at all, let alone in 2-3 weeks. So, he must have an exit plan. I won’t be a part of it. I had already asked about having him for Christmas, but now I’m not so sure.

Here I am, thrust into this family via a kid that came to me initially as a respite case, trying my hardest to do the best thing, to do what I can to help and now I feel like all hell is breaking loose. Things were going fine, in fact I really felt like things were falling into place for Hermano to come stay with us. But, it’s over now. Yes, I suppose I could be over reacting, but I can’t compete with the hold his bio mom has over him. His siblings can’t compete either. I think I’ve proven by my actions that I’m not the type of person who gives up easily. But, I am also not the type of person who sticks her nose in where it’s not wanted. If Hermano has made up his mind to return to the life he had and not take the opportunity to change his life, I’m the last person who will change his mind. I’ve become too involved, which was my mistake. I care too much and it only ends up hurting me. I won’t stand by and watch him ruin his life. Since I can do nothing, I will need to walk away. The sad part is I need to find a way to take Primero with me because he wants to remain in contact with his bio mom and siblings (I’m not saying I don’t want him to maintain contact, I just wish he could keep things at arm’s length until he’s a bit older). I guess he’s getting to the age where I just have to let him figure it out. But I’ll be damned if I will let their poison ruin my son and my family. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I feel like my efforts are always in vain and there’s no point in trying as hard as I do. I wish I could turn it off, to care less, be less involved, keep my heart out of the equation – but I don’t know how to do that, I only know how to be 100%. Anything I do I do with all my heart and soul or it’s not worth my time doing it. But this foster care thing, it takes all that earnestness and eats it for breakfast, sucking me dry until I’m just a husk, a shell of the woman I used to be.

I’m being very negative right now, I know that. Honestly, I’m hurt that my endeavors for Hermano to have a better life have been rebuffed. Stupid to say, but I feel threatened by the bio mom and her resurgence into the situation. I never asked for this. I never wanted to have this kind of mess in my already messy life. But, there seems to be no way to extract myself without alienating Primero. I didn’t ask for it, but I’m sure in it and so I need to learn the best way to deal with what is. I have multiple siblings calling and texting me about other siblings and none of them were the one who is my son. I guess I just need to get this all out of my system on here so I can turn around and deal with it at home. Why am I so hurt by it all? I don’t really know. Maybe I feel rejected or useless or used. I don’t know. This too shall pass and life does and will go on……