My Breaking Point

If you thought my before Christmas post was a downer, wait until you get a load of this one……

 

Let me try to start at the beginning. Christmas Eve I worked a partial day since we were allowed to leave work 3 hours early. I picked up the little ones at the foster home who watched them since the day care was closed, then drove home to get Primero and we set out on our journey to pick up Hermano. It was a yucky, rainy day and our trip felt like it would never end. We met Hermano’s new foster mom (who is completely lovely and a vast improvement from his last resource home, I might add), used the bathroom and got back on the road. The foster mom and I had a rushed exchange when Hermano took Primero upstairs to see his bedroom. Apparently, Hermano told the foster mom that his girlfriend was having his baby and that he wanted to propose to her over Christmas. Oh my! This chickadee is one hot mess and he is stupidly head-over-heels for her. But, there’s no stopping stupid, especially when it’s backed by years of dysfunction. So, when Hermano asked (actually, he had his foster mother call and ask me) to see his girlfriend I suggested he ask her to come to his uncle’s place Christmas night, since we were invited to go there.

We arrived a little after 8 and the party had been underway for most of the day by that point. At first, the boys’ uncle took Hermano out into the hallway to talk him out of the proposal. Apparently bio mom told the family of what Hermano planned to do and the uncle, like any rational adult, thought it wasn’t the greatest idea. According to the foster mom, bio mom agreed to allow Hermano to marry the girl (did I mention she is pregnant with some other kids baby?) because quote “she didn’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him no.” That’s some stellar parenting right there folks. A+ all the way. (If you sense the sarcasm, you will soon find out why I’m feeling so jaded). The uncle suggested Hermano make it a promise ring (the ring is a fake btw – the foster mom told me she helped him pick it out online and insisted he tell her it’s a fake, which he didn’t), but he was undeterred. I cannot tell you just how awkward the moment was. I wanted to hide my face, I wanted to grab the kids and run. His uncle was recording it on his phone and his mom seemed just tickled pink as he mumbled to his girlfriend (with her button-down shirt literally busting at the seams over her giant tummy), asking her how much she loved him. No one heard him actually ask the question but she said yes and he slipped the ring on her finger. It was terrible. The oldest brother ran out of the room because he was so disgusted and distraught. Nearly every other family member followed him, including Primero, yet the brother refused to talk to anyone and sped off in his car. It just made the awkward moment a total buzz-kill.

In addition to the ridiculous proposal, I was feeling especially like a fish-out-of-water because bio mom was there. She, like Primero, seems to think we need to be bff’s. Um, no. And after the stunt a few weeks ago, a big fat NO. I was civil, but not talkative nor very gregarious. I was fairly miserable, in fact. If I can be completely honest here, I despise that I had to share my first Christmas with kids with her. I know, I’m supposed to be the bigger person. I’m supposed to be open to having a working relationship with her, to fostering a relationship between her and Primero. But, the truth is, I don’t want to do that. Luckily, she didn’t try to talk to me too much and only said one rude thing. Primero must have told her my business, that I can’t have any of my own children, because she said, “Look here at [my name]. She can’t have any of her own and now she’s got three.” Meaning the children living in my home. Nice. Thanks for reminding me, I almost forgot I can’t have any biological  children. Good thing you were there to remind me. So, the whole awkward, miserable night came to a close and we all trouped home to bed.

Fast forward  to yesterday. After church we were in Sheetz and Primero said to me he had something he wanted to tell me, but he didn’t know how. Ugh! This always turns into something not great, like the last time when he told me he had seen his bio mom without permission. He said he was feeling unsure about something. I guessed a few things before asking, “getting adopted?” And he nodded his head yes. That’s right, after one brief Christmas encounter with “all his family together” Primero is no longer sure about getting adopted by me. He had such a good time with “all his family” that I guess he thinks they could make a it a permanent thing. And he’s worried about how his family would treat him if he was adopted. I don’t know what bullshit has been slopped into his head, but I’m totally ruined. I cried most of the day yesterday after he told me all of this and now I’m just feeling defeated. With the news from court last week and now this, I feel like my world is crumbling down around me again. And I just don’t think I will be strong enough to lose it all again. I ever so stupidly thought *this* was really happening,  that I was actually lucky enough to be a mother to not just one, but three great kids, and now it seems like I will be a mother without  children once again. I come here to whine and to deal with the pain, so please don’t think I’m not taking care of Primero or not making sure he is getting his needs met regarding this issue. I have already emailed his case worker (who is out on vacation until next Monday) and his therapist so he can work though whatever confusion he is feeling, but this is my space to pour out my heart and how broken it is feeling. No, not just broken, destroyed. I feel hallow inside, like my everything is gone. And, sure, I’m being over-dramatic a bit, but if he had told me he hated me I think it would have hurt less. My greatest fear has always been losing him to the p.o.s. bio mom who couldn’t get her head out of her ass to make an appointment to see him (even when she wasn’t incarcerated). His tie to her it unbreakable, despite all the shit she’s put him through. His loyalty to her is as unbreakable as it is unfathomable. A few months ago Primero had told me he would rather be with me, he would choose me and never wanted to go back with his mother, unless he knew she was totally stable and they wouldn’t have to move around anymore. Was that a lie? Was it just what I wanted to hear? I don’t know anymore. I just don’t know. Friends at work think I should reconsider adopting Primero, since he clearly is having second thoughts and might turn around and disappear after the adoption. I made a promise to Primero that I would not change my mind and I haven’t. But, if he’s unwilling to be adopted, I’m not sure what I will do. I asked Primero’s case worker to have a weekend kid free after the new year to think and regroup. Not once in the last 10 months have I had Primero in respite over-night but now I think I need some time to myself before I totally lose it.

I really should have known better. There’s no way I could be so lucky as to get all these kids and then be able to keep them all. But, I just don’t think I can go on if they all leave. I’ve invested too much of myself, I let myself get too comfortable with the idea that we are all a family, no matter how ragtag we are. This is my breaking point. There’s no coming back from this, no ability to believe that waiting a little longer or trying again would make a difference. This would be the point where I walk away and start a new, child-free chapter. I can’t keep putting myself through this, I can’t keep pretending I’m ok with the pain and the loss because someday, one day soon, it will all be over and I will be giddy with the joys of motherhood. No, I’ve given too much to be able to recuperate from this great loss. I’ve invested too much of myself into these kids, especially Primero, and so if things go sideways I need to bow out and be done. The system will have won because I will be down for the count. There are no winners in foster care, just survivors…….