Unforseen Consequences

So, when Primero and I talked about this whole snafu with him seeing his mom without permission, I warned him that there would be consequences. We found out last night that one of those consequences is that Hermano might not be allowed to spend Christmas with us due to this little stunt. It’s a real shame that Hermano has to be punished for something Primero did, but he has brought more scrutiny onto our family and the powers that be now question my ability and authority in my home. Yes, that is the second consequence – the county now has reason to question my parenting abilities, since I obviously have no control over Primero (or so their thinking goes). Still, these unforeseen consequences are quite serious and I can only hope that the players involved in making decisions will be in a Christmas spirit to allow Hermano to visit. Primero asked about New Year’s, to have Hermano with us again to ring in 2015. I don’t know what will be decided, but I did get Hermano Christmas presents and so I asked, if he isn’t allowed to come, that there be some way for me to get his gifts to him. Primero’s case worker said she will push for the visit to happen because she knows both boys will be with me the entire time. I joked about going to the farm and that there’s really nowhere to run from there (it’s quite a distance out of town). And I explained what we had planned for New Year’s Eve – just something quiet at home, some movies and finger foods and sparkling cider to toast the New Year.

For me, the greater damage is how the county perceives our home situation. Clearly, if I cannot handle one teenager, there’s no way I could handle a second teenager. If Primero was able to go behind my back twice in one week, it does seem to point to an authority problem and his lack of respect for me and for my rules. Sure, the simple fact is most teenagers rebel in some small way or another, but foster families lives under an especially sharp microscope that swiftly condemns any errant act as indicative of massive systematic issues. Never mind that this is the first time Primero disobeyed in the 10 months he has lived with me. And don’t consider that he eventually did confess and did not totally conceal the truth. I have always known I was on thin ice with BCCYS and I have warned Primero about adding fodder to their arsenal. I know it would not take much to rekindle the old fire and I hope and pray we can escape this incident unscathed beyond the potential punishment meted out upon innocent Hermano. Primero’s adoption case seems to have stalled and I hope his little exploit does not further halt the process. As a friend put it, there are worse things Primero could be doing than seeing his mother. By all accounts, he is a model child. For so long, I joked with his case worker about making up some awful thing about him because things were going so well with us, we never had any issues beyond very minor things, like missing the bus. I have trusted Primero implicitly since the get-go because he always showed himself to be trustworthy. I warned him way back when he first moved in and was allowed to spend time in the house by himself before I got home from work, that trust is a special thing and that once it’s broken it is very hard to get back. I warned him, even back then, there are major consequences for breaking trust. Unfortunately, so many of our important lessons are learned the hard way.

I truly believe the punishments should fit the crimes. In this case I didn’t really punish Primero as much as asked for more contact between he and I when he moves from school to his after school program. I did deny him spending time with his friend, but not entirely, just not as long as he would have liked. As it turns out the penalties doled out by the county are far more severe than anything I would have conceived. The punishments seem too harsh to me, since Primero is ordinarily a kid with such little trouble. And, he was clearly manipulated by his mother to act out the way he did, simply by her refusal to set up a visit through a case worker or me or any other adult. Clearly, she let Primero believe or even told him straight out, that the only way he could see her was by deceitfully going behind my back. I worry that Primero’s blatant disregard for my rules (and I have so few rules!) is indicative of a strong underlying current of disrespect or perhaps even disdain. Maybe he thinks I’m a push-over because I’ve never been hard on him because I never had a reason. I believe these are things that we need to discuss in length at his therapy session and I hope I have the wherewithal to remember that I want to bring it up (it’s hard to do with the two little ones).

So, it appears that this will be the court date that sticks for the little ones. Unfortunately, it’s the little girl’s birthday. But, the plan is for them to be in court that morning and then have a visit after. I know from past experience the bio mom isn’t always up to having a visit, so we will see how it plays out. The older sister is supposed to be moved the following day, to a new foster home with a new foster agency. It is expected she will still be attending the visits with her younger siblings, which is good for the little girl. She looks so forward to seeing her sister at their visits. I’m not looking forward to court, but I am anxious to see what is said about this case and get an idea of where things are at and where things are going. Court with Primero is drama free and over quickly because his mother never shows up (or hasn’t since I’ve been going to court with him). This will be interesting and not in a good way. I pray it is over quickly so I can get back to work and not miss the entire day, but we shall see.