A Year of Blessings

Today is one of those days that I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing on this same date a year ago. That’s because last year on June 30^th, I picked baby Love Bug up from the hospital. I remember waking up and taking Primero to his summer camp. I was so nervous because I had not heard anything from CHOR all weekend long. This situation was so similar to what I experienced with the Christmas Miracle baby that it had my stomach in knots. I spent the weekend doubting my decision to not attend the girls weekend with my sister, mom and aunt. I reluctantly dug out the bassinet, the car seat and the newborn baby clothes as I had done before. I tried to relax and not think about it too much like I had in the previous failed placement. I had been unable to sleep that weekend, my mind kept floating off to cloud nine in blissful ignorance of what was to come. This time, I was a little more grounded and a lot more nervous. I began pacing after I folded the second load of baby clothes and receiving blankets. I had decided I would wait until noon and then call CHOR for an up-date. Luckily, I didn’t have to wait that long. My first call came around 10:30. It was from a new social worker calling to introduce herself to me and explain she would be the baby’s case worker. I asked her for an update and she said she didn’t know but would ask the in-day supervisor to call me. A flurry of phone calls later and I was instructed to go to the hospital alone and to keep my presence on the down-low since the mom was still there.

It took me a while to find the maternity ward, but when I finally arrived, the nursing staff was expecting me. They quietly ushered me into an empty room to watch videos about SIDS, shaken baby syndrome, car seat safety, and what type of testing the hospital performed on babies before they were released. I didn’t want to sit and wait, I wanted to see the baby. I managed to keep mostly still as the nurses forgot about me between videos. Alone in the quiet room, I thought about what it might be like being a patient, a new mom trying to recuperate from giving birth. I thought about the anguish the baby’s mom would feel, leaving the hospital without her baby. After what felt like an eternity, the county case worker came into the room with her supervisor. They let me know the baby was expected in court in two days and said they were going to tell the mom they were taking her baby. Not long after they left the room a nice older nurse came in pushing a plastic baby bassinet in front of her. “Here he is,” she announced quietly. She gave me some information about the baby and then watched me dress him. My hands were shaking as I nervously and gently pushed his arms and legs into the outfit I carefully chose for him. He was so tiny with a head of dark hair. He didn’t open his eyes as I dressed him, but squawked in protest as I tried to thread his tiny hand through the sleeve. After he was dressed the nurse helped me adjust the car seat straps and then said she would come back with an escort for me. The staff and case workers were nervous his mom would get aggressive if she saw me leaving with him. Again, my heart ached for her, but the overwhelming joy I felt washed away those feelings.

I remember how surreal everything felt that morning. I was jittery, like I was on a caffeine high, unable to sit still at home or waiting in the hospital. Walking into the hospital with an empty car seat, I felt so conspicuous and rather odd. Most people go to the hospital to have a baby, not get a baby. But, this distinction was not on my mind as much as the thought that it was really happening this time. I was actually on the maternity ward waiting for a baby to be placed in my arms. Watching the videos and just sitting around made the wait nearly unbearable. At one point a nurse brought in a goodie bag with formula a t-shirt from the hospital, a blanket, comb, samples of lotion and baby shampoo and tons of coupons. Knowing the situation, she even snuck an extra formula into the bag for me. I remember texting some friends that I was anxiously waiting and how impatient I was to actually see the baby. I wished they had brought him in so I could snuggle him while I watched the videos. Until the baby was in the room, it all felt so unreal. I paced the room, peeked out the window and tried to contain my nervous energy. Then things happened all at once. The case workers arrived and talked to be briefly. The doctor came in to review a few things about caring for the baby and to tell me about his first doctor’s appointment. And then finally, the nurse brought him in the room. I held my breath as she wheeled him over to me. He was wrapped tightly in two blankets, just his little face and head peeking out. His eyes were shut tightly. The nurse began emptying the contents of the drawers beneath the bassinet into my diaper bag. She handed me his hat and said I should dress him. I was almost dumbstruck, staring in awe at this tiny little life they were entrusting to my care. I didn’t want to dress him I wanted to embrace him, to sweep him into my arms and snuggle him into my heart. But, I dutifully followed directions. I was awkward with the baby and afraid the nurse would sense my unease and tell the case workers to change their minds. I talked softly to the baby explaining I was getting him dressed and we would soon leave. The nurse left the room once I had him dressed and I had a brief moment to kiss his cheek before she returned and helped me bundle him into the car seat. Then we were off. It was a long walk with the security guard because I parked on the wrong side of the hospital. And I was thankful for the escort because I don’t think I would have found my way back out of the hospital. I was almost dizzy with emotions. I couldn’t believe this was actually happening.  

I thought how odd it was that I was leaving the hospital with an escort for the second time in two months (the baby I had for a weekend I also picked up at a different hospital and there were concerns about his parents being aggressive). I strapped the sleeping baby in the back of the car and then sat still for a moment to really take in what was happening. “It’s just you and me now, buddy,” I said as I put the car in gear and drove the short distance home. I couldn’t wait to get home and hold the baby. I struggled with myself about waking him, but my arms were nearly twitching to hold him so I carefully slipped him out of the car seat and nuzzled him under my chin. He was so tiny! And so perfect. I spent the afternoon just holding him and staring at his beautiful features. I literally pinched myself twice to be sure I wasn’t dreaming. I let my family and close friends know he was home with me. I remember how slow I was at everything with him, my movements methodical and careful like I was dealing with a doll made of tissue paper. Eventually I became more comfortable with manipulating the baby, but at first I was overly cautious. I probably did hold him too much, as a friend accused me, and spoiled him a little bit, but I simply couldn’t help myself. I had dreamed so long of having a baby, of holding such a precious gift, that it was hard to put him down. I also found that at first, he wouldn’t sleep unless I was holding him. I often think back to the very beginning and still can’t believe it happened. And I can’t believe Love Bug has been with me for his entire first year of life.

I was home from work for two weeks with Love Bug before I had to return to the daily grind. I was exhausted and struggled to stay awake most of the time because he was (and still is) such a terrible sleeper. I feel like the first 3-4 months were just a fuzzy blur because I was getting such little sleep. It’s really hard to believe that it was a year ago that I met Love Bug. It’s even harder to believe that he’s still here, still the sweet baby boy that I’ve been so blessed to be raising and loving. I’m the only woman he’s really known as his mom, I’m his primary care giver, the one he seeks when he needs comfort. He is the most adorable baby, with big bright eyes, soft messy curls, and a smile that makes me grin from ear to ear. His giggle is pure joy, his baby babble melodic and sweet. He loves being the center of attention at home, with Primero and Chica Marie fawning over him. I try very hard not to call him mine but he is – he’s my baby. He’s a momma’s boy through and through. And I love him with every fiber of my being. My sweet baby Love Bug.