Package Deal

Monday I had my annual reevaluation for my foster care license. My family worker is changing again. I’m fine with that, not that I won’t miss my current family worker, but I know the new family worker and we get along fine, so it won’t be a big deal. We have also been assigned a new case worker. Her very first day on the job and the very first thing she did was attend Primero’s adoption. I’m glad she got a good first impression of us! Both Primero and I were startled when we saw her in the court room because her facial features match those of our previous case worker. She seems equally as nice so I’m hopeful it will be a good match. As much as I dislike educating a new worker, especially this late in the game, thus far she seems to be very eager and I hope her enthusiasm lasts. I spent a good deal of time talking to both CHOR case workers regarding Chica Marie and the struggles I have with her behaviors. The house inspection was brief and we passed easily. We had recently moved Love Bug’s crib into Primero’s room because Chica Marie turned 5 and those were the rules – siblings of a different gender could not be in the same room once one of them turned 5. Why 5 is a mystery to me, but who am I to question the rules? The move has been one no one is happy with, not me (especially not me because running downstairs for the baby is so inconvenient!), not Chica Marie (she actually liked sharing a room with her brother), not Primero, and although he has not voiced an opinion, I don’t think Love Bug likes it either. Right now he is in the pack-n-play in my room, but we’ll get to that. The family worker indicated there was something she wanted to say to me away from the little and not so little ears in the house. So, I “walked” her to her car. Really we just talked on the front porch. She said that no matter what I decided regarding Chica Marie, CHOR would support my decision. If I decided I could not adopt her because her behaviors were too overwhelming for me, they would understand and I shouldn’t think I would never get another foster-to-adopt placement because I would. Giving how negative I was in discussing her and her behaviors it shouldn’t have surprised me, but I was totally floored by this declaration of support for my decision. What decision? Didn’t I already decide? I’m lost! I stuttered something about her and Love Bug and that’s when the family worker said what I’ve suspected all along – Love Bug and Chica Marie are a package deal. I almost stopped breathing. Do I love Chica Marie? Yes, I do. Would I be heartbroken if she left? Yes, I would. But, the mere thought of Love Bug not being mine makes my stomach clench into knots and my heart stop beating. He’s my baby. They would have to pry him from my cold dead hands, there’s no way I would willingly give him up (unless, of course his mother was getting him back, and then I would probably die from grief). Up until my family worker made this comment, we were just skating along and I guess I was making a decision about Chica Marie by not making a decision. And now all of a sudden, I’m staring into the abyss with an impossible choice set before me, one I fear, that has no completely happy ending. Somehow I gathered my wits enough to ask about Esperanza. She has been staying with us a lot and I didn’t want to end up getting in trouble about it, so I mentioned to my family worker how I’ve been helping her, taking her to medical appointments and letting her stay with us. The family worker said she wanted me to get clearances for the girl and she then said she would feel better if Love Bug didn’t sleep in the same room as her and suggested I move him to my room for the time being. Thus, the pack-n-play in my room and the crib downstairs. Love Bug has not been sleeping well in the pack-n-play but I don’t want to move the crib until the family worker lets me know if he can be in my room on a more permanent basis (just what I want – the baby back in my room!).  In the meantime, I have some serious heart-checking to do about this whole adoption thing and I’m sure I’ll be writing about it again!