Different Adoption Journeys

Last night when I was giving Chica Marie a bath, after finally having an evening where we weren’t horns locked in a dual to the death, I sensed it was an ok time to broach a difficult subject with Chica Marie. Ever since she found out, from her sister, that her grandmother had petitioned to adopt her, Chica Marie has been very out-of-sorts. On the one hand, she doesn’t want to leave the comfort and stability she has come to rely on yet, on the other hand she very much loves her grandmother and sister and would love to live with them. It’s not a position I would want to be in as an adult, so imagine how much harder it must be for a child. But, the real driving force behind so many of the outbursts and negative behaviors has been fear. She is fearful of being shoved out, pushed along, unwanted. So, she has been lashing out at me, not me but me the mother figure. She was calm last night as I rinsed the soap from her hair. I waited until I was done and she could look at me and I told her, “Can I tell you a secret?” she’s big into hearing secrets, so I knew this would get her attention. “Chica Marie, I never said I didn’t want to adopt you. I never wanted you to go anywhere, I never wanted you to leave. I love you and I very much want you to stay a part of our family.” She mentioned the conundrum, of wanting to be adopted by both me and Grandma. “The good thing is, there are so many people who love you and none of us are going anywhere,” was my response. Chica Marie seemed more settled after her bath and cooperated while I did her hair. This is such a hard time and the behaviors have been grinding me down as the weeks drag by. I feel like I do so many things wrong, but last night I felt like I made some small progress and that felt good.

 

Bolstered by my conversation with Chica Marie, I thought I would try chatting with Love Bug. It’s not that adoption isn’t discussed so he’s unaware of it, but I’ve never had a direct conversation with him about it. I know a three year old won’t understand, but I wanted to give it a try. “Love Bug, do you know you have another mommy? A first mommy who grew you in her tummy?” I tried broaching the subject while tucking Love Bug in bed. He took my hand and held it to his cheek, “You my mommy, Mommy. Because you am.” Bless his little heart! Love Bug and Chica Marie have such different adoption experiences I get whiplash trying to meet each one where they are at in the whole scenario. I feel like I fumble around a lot, but my heart is in the right place and I hope that will mean something as they get older.