Me vs. Them

We had court this morning. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t great. Basically, nothing happened, but all the options were suggested. I managed to speak privately with the county case worker before the hearing, which was good but not terribly productive. At least I understand a little better what happened. The county case worker heard someone say during the meeting in August that she needed to look for a therapeutic foster home that was willing to be an adoption resource. In plain English that meant I was no longer willing to be a resource (adoptive home) for Chica Marie. She felt my comment about how upset my mom was and that she was adverse to the adoption, due to the destruction of her car, was compounding my inability to adopt Chica Marie. She was still stuck on my loss of support from my mom, citing it as a potential issue in the future. I’m going to try to talk to my mom to see if she would be willing to write me an email offering her support. I don’t know if she would be willing to do so or not, but it’s worth a try. We are having a meeting this Friday afternoon to hash everything out and I’m not looking forward to it.

 

The hardest thing during court this morning was the visible tension between me and the grandmothers. We didn’t speak. We hardly acknowledged one another’s presence. It was hard and painful. The grandmothers brought along an outfit for Chica Marie that matched Mini Momma’s and the girls were wearing matching jackets. Grandma mentioned how big Love bug is and I said he grew a lot this summer. That was our only exchange. The grandmothers were praised for how wonderfully Mini Momma has been doing and I’m sure they are doing a good job with her, but I also wonder how much under-reporting they are doing? I don’t see how this girl could go from mega-behaviors to nothing in a year’s time. It was touted in front of the judge how many after-school and extra-curricular activities Mini Momma is involved in and nothing was mentioned for Chica Marie or Love Bug. The county is pushing for weekly weekend visits. They want me to use the grandmothers as respite resources. Um, they live an hour away, that’s not terribly convenient. Every weekend is excessive to me, unless they are moving her. I felt I was put down at every turn, less-than and mediocre as a parent.

 

So, we have this meeting, which I am dreading, and it is supposed to help clarify where things are going for Chica Marie. The magistrate called it an “evolving case” for Chica Marie and admonished both sides to work together as the best possible option. How can I work with someone who won’t talk to me? And who knows, maybe they feel the same way other their side. I can’t help but feel like we have been pitted against one another and that makes it hard to work together. The bad blood I mentioned before feels even more true now. We left without saying good-bye. The county was pushing for a visit this weekend, but we have plans. We have plans next weekend too. I had already said to my CHOR case worker the weekend of the 21^st works best for us. I don’t know if I will be getting such an option. I hate to have my weekends dictated to me, it is my free time to what I like and not answer to anyone. And, given how our interaction was today, there is no way I want to have a visit without us talking first. I want to understand Grandmom and I want her to understand me. I don’t like this tension and I don’t think it’s right that we have been put into this situation by the county. I am also still hurt by what I view as Grandmom going behind my back when I was honest with her. I told her about the therapeutic foster care recommendation and that I would do everything in my power to get Chica Marie back in my home. Did she not think of this when the county called and asked her to take Chica Marie? Why didn’t she call me or reach out to me in some way? It certainly would have caused a lot less animosity. I feel like my trust has been broken and that’s a hard thing to rebuild, especially without communication.

 

As this drags on and the murky water gets more cloudy, I have begun thinking, “Am I doing the right thing?” Isn’t biological family always best? Only, they are no more biological than I am, really. And each of us has a sibling who is not being tossed into the mix at the moment. Am I fighting the right fight? Should I just give up and let her grandmother have her and hope and pray she doesn’t move onto Love Bug next? Is it wrong for me to want to keep her and adopt her? I guess the county really has me doubting myself because despite my doggedness, my unwavering desire to keep on keeping on, the county thinks someone else can do better, without help. Am I wrong? Are they right? Is there any such thing as wrong and right in foster care? I’m tired. My everything hurts. I don’t know how much longer my body can withstand the physical and emotional weight of all of this. Everyone tells me I am strong and I am, but right now it is taking its toll on me.